The Mock Dock

A friend of mine posted this on FB last night, and if you haven’t seen it before you should see it. But be forewarned, you will BAWL. I was WRECKED by this last night, what with my soft spot for old people and therapy dogs and whatnot.

Baxter died several months ago, which is ALSO heartbreaking, but what a remarkable life he had.

Sobbing.

It’s not that the dude on the left doesn’t have the physique to pull off being basically naked.  He most certainly does.   It’s just that he’s in a PINK G-STRING.  And his buddy has on a teeny tiny pink vest and bottoms based on the movie Contact.

I don’t care how gay these guys are.  There is no excuse for that kind of pink abuse.

I guarantee you this is her facebook profile picture.

Why does she think we WANT to see the pooch?  I can’t tell from here if that’s a belly button piercing or just a reeeeeeally dirty belly button.   In which case eeew.

Snooki, and every single one of her castmates on that trainwreck of a show, Jersey Shore.  She’s a short, trashy looking square-bodied skank.  And that’s me feeling particularly generous talking.

You know else isn’t particularly attractive?  These people:

GLEE.

I swear, I see pictures like this and wonder why in the world I dread bikini shopping.

This has got to be the world’s flattest assular area.  And if it’s not, I hope to hell whoever POSSESSES the world’s flattest assular area refrains from ever dressing like this ever.

So today, as I was making my daily check through my junkmail/spam folder to check for messages which might not actually be junk or spam, I saw an email with the following subject line:

Take her from behind with your pork pistol.

I don’t know if I was just feeling particularly punchy today or what, but that made me laugh SO HARD. I immediately called my CFO in to look at it. The fact that I can call my CFO into my office to look at stuff like that, knowing he’ll find it as hilarious as I do, is probably one of the top ten reasons I love my job.

Anyway, in a semi-related coincidence, Mr. Mock has been known to refer to relations of a sexual nature as “Hiding the Sausage.” It wasn’t until I read that spam title though, that I realized how much pork and penises go together. They’re like peas and carrots. And “Pork Pistol” is officially my new favorite word for penis.

I thought after laughing about that for awhile that I wouldn’t have a need to talk about penises any more today, but as it happens, when I picked Mini-Mock up from school today, his teacher pulled me aside to let me know that Mini has been incessantly playing with his pork pistol. We’ve noticed this too, but haven’t really gotten on his case TOO much about it, except to tell him to stop it when we see it, and that that particular activity should be reserved for his alone time. So on the way home, I had nice long chat with Mini about touching his pork pistol. The teacher had asked him if it was bothering him or if it itched or something, and he said, “No – but it gets bigger and then it feels good.” God bless ‘im – my boy is growing up WAAAAAY too fast. Anyway, I explained on the way home that the reason it got bigger was BECAUSE he touched it, and that I understood it felt good and that it was great that he’d made that discovery, but that it was only something that was allowed in private. He doesn’t really understand WHY, of course, but he seems to understand that that’s just the rule, end of story.

Mr. Mock had a similar discussion with him when we got home, because Mini Mock gleefully told him that “At school I can’t play with my weewee or else I have to go to the potty and wash my hands and I can’t play with it when there are other people around only in my room when I’m alone and by myself can I play with it.” (Mini Mock hasn’t yet learned about run-on sentences).

Mr. Mock then announced that we were having porkchops for dinner.

It’s been a totally porktacular day.

I have a theory that more people intensely dislike Good ‘N Plenty candy than like it.

Personally, I am a fan of it, and any other black licorice-related product.  For example, I can do shots of Jagermeister (sp?) with absolutely no difficulty, whereas most people want to puke their guts out at the very smell of that poison.

Anyway, I was in a Good ‘N Plenty sort of mood, and bought a box at lunch, and have made myself totally sick on them.  Not for real sick, but the kind of sick where you are sort of disgusted with yourself for eating so much of something.  You know.

Anyway, I’d like a chance to test out my theory.  So take this poll!

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Because that is exactly what I looked like when I saw that this dude is wearing lion tights.

Well, almost exactly.  Except for the part where I’m a human, and not an Actual Cat.  But other than that, I looked just like this.

A school bus at the Pleasure Emporium.

Yyyyyyyyeah.