The Mock Dock

I was recently sent an email about the new diet pill Alli. If you haven’t heard about this, it is the first FDA-approved, over-the-counter diet pill. Here is the forwarded email:

Public Service Announcement

Warning: This is graphic but someone has to tell it like it is. The news companies and pharmacies are too afraid.

After hearing some non-pharmacist friends talking recently, I decided to write this blog to help everyone out.

Alli is a great new diet pill that is proven to work and is available over the counter. You can lose up to 50% more weight using Alli than just by diet and exercise alone. Great, huh?

No.

Alli makes you poop your pants. Alli’s marketers hide this by using the term “fecal urgency.” You will have “oily discharge” throughout the day. When you fart, you will shoot out oil. When you start taking Alli, you have to bring an extra change of clothes. When you take Alli, according to the patient information brochure, you may recognize what’s in your poop as “the oil that is often on the top of your pizza.” This statement disturbs me. First it implies that you look at your poop in the toilet and say, “Hey! I recognize that from somewhere!” Second, it implies that all fat people eat pizza and not just pizza, but the greasy, nasty kind. Third, why use the pizza analogy?? A simple “it looks like fat or oil” would have sufficed. Personally, I think Alli’s marketing writers should be fired.

And this still happens when you are following the “rules” and only eating the recommended 15 grams of fat per meal. If you eat more than that, may God be with you.

Here is a scenario of what will happen:

You eat: A turkey sandwich You: Poop your pants

You eat: Low fat chips and salsa You: Poop your pants

You eat: A salad You: Poop your pants

You eat: A salad with ranch You: Poop your pants all day and will probably have to sleep on the toilet

You eat: Taco Bell You: Poop your pants for days, and probably will get fired because you skipped work. You’ll have to quit if you did go because everyone saw you poop your pants. You will also need to buy a new collection of work pants and maybe a new office chair.

So instead of buying Alli, maybe you should buy stock in Depends or the Tide To Go Pen stain remover.

Just a tip from your neighborhood pharmacist.