Nicole Richie, setting an example for expectant mothers everywhere, was seen recently giving her unborn infant the life-giving and essential nicotine every growing baby needs.
Archive for October, 2007 Page 2 of 9
Breaking News: Adrian Grenier’s penis has reportedly been wreaking havoc on the streets of Los Angeles, breaking this innocent bystander’s nose and allegedly robbing Richard Simmons of several pairs of vibrant exercise tights.
Developing…
These are those idiots from that gay “reality” show The Hills - Heidi Montag and Spencer someone-or-other. Look at him. There is so much wrong here I don’t even know where to begin. First off - I’m pretty sure Spidey wears a full face mask….and not a hairnet. And secondly, I’m unaware of Spiderman sporting high top tennis shoes. And thirdly……just….Really?
And then of course there’s the…how do I say this delicately….protrusion, if you will. Other than the fact that it’s just OUT there, flailing around for the world to see, I guess the positive way to look at it is that it seems to be slightly more impressive than Danny Bonaduce’s (NSFW).
So, your boy Holmes had himself a date on Saturday night. It didn’t go quite as I had planned. Let me tell you about it.
I pulled up to the young lady’s house and stepped out of my 1987 Datsun hatchback. As I walked up to the front stoop, I felt a twinge of anticipation as I depressed the button to ring the bell. As my date’s father (yeah you heard me….father) opened the door, he told me that the dog’s name was Holmes.
“That’s my name, too.” I said as I walked in to the foyer of this Victorian home.
As my date walked down the stairs, I was stricken by her long, raven tresses and alabaster skin. Her subtle movements and inherent grace were evident in ever step. Each step created more of a reaction… my palms started to sweat… my heart beat faster… I lost my breath… fell on the floor…. and lost all control of my bodily functions.
In her graciousness, my date ran to the kitchen to get some paper towels, but it was far too late. By this time I had emptied my bowels and stopped caring. So, I took off my pants and made love to the sofa cushions.
Her father screamed, “I am going to call the police!”
So, I ripped out the phone cords and closed all the curtains, and yelled, “If you will all behave, we will all get out of here alive!”
So, as I sit here in my jail cell, I have only a vision of my date’s beauty to get me through the night. Each time I think of her, my palms start to sweat… my heart beats faster… and I vomit.
Today’s lesson: How to insult millions of women simultaneously and in the next breath, cover your ass about it in case you change your mind.
Instructor: Ashley Judd
When citing the number of starving children in third world countries, Ashley had this to say: “I find it unconscionable to breed. I know it’s a very strong opinion with which a lot of people won’t agree, and that’s not to say someday I might not feel a different impulse, but I’ve felt that way since college.”
Thanks Ashley - for essentially calling all women who’ve chosen to have children of their own unprincipled simpletons. And way to show conviction by making a huge blanket statement and then reserving the right to flip flop. You should be spayed at once.
HATE.
I feel kinda bad for saying this, but Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a hag. I’m unfamiliar with all the high tech movie magic that is used in filmmaking these days, but I’m thinking that they’re going to need to use 12 extra doses of it in order to make her look like like she even remotely belongs in the upcoming Sex and The City movie.
Who am I kidding. I don’t feel bad for saying any of this.
Wow. This is more of Barbra Streisand than I ever needed to see. How is it that she thought to put a beret on but couldn’t remember a fundamental undergarment? Gross.
Snooty McLemonSucker is not looking good these days. Aside from her pasty shiny puffiness, she now is sporting the Worst. Haircut. Ever. It’s like her hairdresser stopped midway through the cut after deciding that it was hopeless.
Robbie said, about his first meeting with Courtney Love, “I met Courtney Love and she said she’d like to sleep with me, but couldn’t because of my pop star thing. So I said I couldn’t sleep with her either because of the ugly thing.”
Oooooooooooooo - SNAP!
Umm…yeah….so I found this on TMZ.com today…
Kinda disturbing, isn’t it?
Well, maybe he just became a regular at a new kind of bar.
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