The Mock Dock

If Kim Kardashian and Beyonce embraced, their asses would make a perfect sphere.

Lainey’s Gossip features a new “blind item” about a celebrity who sounds like a complete bitch.  And I don’t know about you all, but to me this sounds very suspiciously like it could be none other than Ashley, who is currently on location filming the movie Helen, about some teacher who’s super depressed but plays off to everyone like she’s super perfect.  (snooze).  Anyway, the report is as follows:

“She’s kept a low profile, with few new projects in recent years preferring to focus on marriage and on her head. Clearly not enough focus on the head. Because while she’s cleaned up the slovenly habits of riddles past, she’s still as loopy as ever. And still a colossal bitch. Who likes to parade around stark naked in front of her window with the blinds wide open.

In a rented house on a well populated street shooting an upcoming movie on location, she can apparently be seen regularly walking around in front of the windows at the front of the house breasts flouncing around freely, oblivious to whoever might be outside.

It’s too bad she’s not as chill about her attitude than she is about her body.

Yet another star who stalks the set like a tyrant, yet another star who won’t deign to speak to the regular folk. Seems she considers conversation with her a privilege but the honour is granted sparingly and only through “Mute Stones”.

Seriously.

She carries around what people on set have taken to calling Mute Stones and when she isn’t in the mood to converse with someone, she will silently hand over the Mute Stone – those in possession of a Mute Stone are not permitted to speak to her until she takes it back.

It’s hard to believe, I get it. You can’t believe people are capable of acting so appallingly. But there are two crews over a hundred strong that can vouch for it, word for word.”

Taking time to focus on her head?  Mute stones?  Walking around nude?  Oh yeah – this is Ashley.  No doubt about it.

HATE

…and she would like her unibrow back.  Ba -dum -BUMP!

It’s not nice to mock children, so I’ll stop.  In just a second.  But first, I would like to point out that Lourdes, Madonna’s daughter, is very very hairy.  I think she’s only like 10ish, and you can already see the beginning of a mustache. 

That said, she’s a lovely girl with gorgeous eyes, and she’s going to make some aesthetician very happy one day.

Remember when these guys were really badass and virile and actually BELONGED in movies like Rambo and Die Hard?  Enough is enough already.  Stop with the sequels and take your Geritol.

If Harrison Ford were in this picture it would be like the Trifecta of Old Age Sequel Makers.

It’s no wonder Lance Armstrong has rushed to announce that he’s “just friends” with this trollop.  Hasn’t anyone ever told her that pink shoes TOTALLY don’t go with dresses made out of gauze bandages?  DUH.

Girl on the left?  A picture of Lindsay Lohan at age 13, fresh-faced and perfectly innocent.  At right, a picture of her sister Ali taken a month ago.  AT AGE 13.  The girl looks like she’s not only old enough to drive, but also vote, drink and possibly run for president already.

At the risk of alienating alert and astute reader Melisa by ripping on her hero and personal savior, Heidi Klum,  I need to just say that I find this dress to be personally offensive.  Not because her asscrack is showing (although…..really, Heidi?).  But because her back is lumpy and bony gross, and because you can see her clear bra strap.  Yuck.

Kirk. Kirky….we ALL feel for you. Seriously…could John Travolta be any MORE of a girl lately?

Jennifer Connolly and her husband, the dude whose name I forget but who co-starred with her in A Beautiful Mind, showed up to some event wearing a piece of a wicker chair as a belt the other night.

On a positive note, I’m sure her posture was really good the entire evening.

The sheer possibility that she could become Commander in Chief has got to be a sign of the apocalypse.