The Mock Dock

If you’re planning on watching American Idol with us this season, here is your chance to mock with us. We want to see your comments and we want to compare notes about all of our faves. So sign up for an official account and become a regular mockdock contributor by adding a comment or five. DO IT. If you’re not planning on watching American Idol with us this season, I gotta tell ya, the consequences are severe. Specifically, you’ll be officially deemed less cool than us, and you’re going to miss out on some really cool mockery. So think twice.

Anyway. Tonight, I’ll begin with my assessment of the top 12 boys. Just so you know, I’m typing this live, during the show, which should indicate to you how dedicated I am to you, our 18 faithful readers. Here we go.

Dave Hernandez - Midnight Hour. Broken home boy, lower income housing, Simon hates me, blah blah blah. I was all set to hate him and then he went and sang most of the song well. BUT THEN - the last note. OMG. He was trying to hite a note that isn’t even on the spectrum of musical notes. But he seems like a nice kid. It KILLED Simon to say anything nice. Which is why I love Simon almost all of the time.

Chikezie - Love You More Than Yesterday (or whatever the name of the song is). He’s like Ruben Studdard all over again. Only not as sweaty. And not as good of a singer. And, let’s face it, like 1/4 of the size. I’m pretty sure that Simon called him Jacuzzi, which was completely awesome. And as soon as a contestant starts yelling back at the judges, they are dead in my eyes. So long, Chiquita.

David Cook - So Happy Together. I hate his hair so much it almost detracts from the singing. Which, admittedly is pretty good, in a yelly sort of way. My official decision is this. I sort of like him and I think I could grow to like him more. But he needs to do something with his hair. Perhaps he could get a worthier haircut. (See what I did there? See how I snuck in a true AI reference from David’s original audition? Stay with me, mockdockers.)

Jason Yeager - Moon River. So cute with his son. LOVED all the scenes with his little guy. Moon River is one of my mostest favoritest songests, but I don’t know that it was the right song for the show. It was obviously the right one for Paula’s self-promoting dance recital though. I am totally not making this up, but I was just about to type “cruise ship performance” RIGHT when Simon said it. Which means that if I type it now, it looks like it wasn’t my own original thought. And it really was. So just know that Simon and I are totally mentally connected in some way. Perhaps it’s the result of some new kinoki super powers?

Robbie Carrico (aka Bo Bice II) - One Is the Loneliness Number. I think I like him, except that I would like for him to remove his Rock Of Love Bret Michaels Tribute Bandana. Simon is all suspicious of his authenticity, while I am not, which clearly indicates a temporary malfunction of my mental connection kinoki superpower.

David Archuleta - Shop Around. I love this probably-gay little 17 year old dude. He’s completely so precious that I want to put him in my pocket and feed him some birdseed. His nerves got the best of him, so I don’t think he was as good as he had the potential to be. The fact that Simon liked him so much he practically jumped out of his chair to dry hump him was a little bit excessive, but yes, he’s good. He remains one of my favorites.

Danny Noriega - Jailhouse Rock. I cannot express to you my hatred for this little punk. Listen here punk - Don’t be all gay and effeminate in your pre-performance interview and then sing Elvis Presley. That is NOT ok. To be honest though, I thought he sang it well. You know why? Because the song contains a total of 4 notes. Which means my cat could sing it equally well. And she’s not even ALIVE anymore. Simon and I are back on track. You know what else I hate? The way that punk looked into the camera when his phone number was displayed - he was all, “Vote for me, bitches”, and so I looked right back into the TV and said, “Suck it, punk”. Seriously. I said this OUT LOUD.

Luke Menard - No idea what the name of the song is. I thought this was painfully awfully horribly bad. Even though he’s a sweet little Indiana boy and has a cute wife. Yuck.

Colton Berry - Suspicious Minds. He so DOES look like Ellen Degeneres. And the fact that he himself was the one to point that out made me like him instantly. The gay dudes are well represented this season, aren’t they? Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with that. I love the gays. I thought the Coltonator did a fine job with the Elvis song. He’s probably not my favorite, but I enjoyed him. Simon’s hostility is growing in direct proportion to Paula’s incoherence. FUN!

Garrett Haley - Breaking Up Is Hard To Do. Hate. I hate him and his stupid lion mane hair. This was reminiscent of the way my high school show choir would have done this song. Only we would have at least worn top hats and sequins and performed in front of nursing home residents. This was totally awful and to top it off, he’s a total drip. And he has the facial skin of a toddler, yet he’s trying to grow facial hair. I hate him.

Jason Castro - Daydream. I do not like white boys with dreadlocks. You know who he looks like? That chick who sang What If God Was One Of Us - Joan Osborne. And that’s not really a compliment. But I was intrigued by this performance - kinda folksy, kinda down-home, kinda camp-fire. But also kinda off-pitch. Still - me likey. He’s unique. And I love that he said it was scary on stage - that was cute.

Michael Johns -Light My Fire. I like this Aussie dude. Australians are cool in general, since they are descendants of criminals and all. They’re just badasses. I loved this.

We’ll do this again tomorrow with the top 12 girls. If you think this is way too long and you’re not interested in American Idol, then you can suck it just like Danny Noriega. I say that with all the love in my heart though. Seriously - if you want to skip the AI posts, no one will know. (Except me, when my kinoki superpowers kick into high gear).