The Mock Dock

Last night, I sat at a restaurant called Cheddar’s. I ordered a cheeseburger and asked for cheddar because I had recently been reminded of this fine cheese product. “We don’t have cheddar,” says Gabe, the overly friendly server.

“What?!” I queried.

He said, “I know it may sound crazy because our name is Cheddar’s.”

“No, it’s not crazy. It’s unacceptable.”
It seems like none of these chain restaurants live up to their names. Applebee’s doesn’t serve apples. Chili’s doesn’t serve chili peppers. And Denny’s doesn’t serve black people.

So there I sat awaiting my non-cheddar Cheddar’s burger listening to a rap song called “This is Why I’m Hot.“

 The song boasts lyrics like, “This is why I’m hot” and, “This why I’m Hot” and, “this is why, this is why, this is why I’m hot.” This of course is the anthem of someone who must not be hot. If you have to say it it’s probably not true. 

As I sat in Cheddars, I started jotting down lyrics to my own rap song. It goes:

“This is why I’m pudgy, this is why I’m awkward…

This is why This is why This is why I’m p’awkward”

Blurting out my lyrical genius, I gazed upon the TV set in the corner of the bar and saw that Castro had resigned as leader of Cuba.  

As I spit mad rhymes and sesame seeds from my pursed lips, I was acutely aware of my desire to run that island nation.  And so it is that I, Holmes Caymen, from a booth on the outer wall of a Cheddar’s restaurant, dining on American cheese and loudly rapping to an audience of 3 nuclear families and a high-school couple on a date, that I proudly announced my candidacy for Supreme Leader of Cuba.  And that ladies and gentleman is exactly why I am p’awkward.