The Mock Dock

It was Ladies’ Night at American Idol.  Jump on in to see the mockery!

Carly O’Irishwoman:  Crazy On You - She is freaking AWESOME.  It’s like my husband said, “You don’t attempt to sing Ann Wilson unless you’re a badass.”  The judges were way too hard on her, because they are clearly totally intimidated by her badassedness.  She was badassalicious.  Badasstacular even.

Syesha:  Me and Mr Jones - She is just insanely gorgeous, first of all. She reminds me of the black version of Ben Stiller’s wife - I forget her name.  Help me.  Anyway, Syesha’s got such a fantastical voice, but I kinda wish she would’ve picked a peppy-er song.  Carly left me feeling like I could go and benchpress like 400 pounds and then run a marathon or something, and Syesha kind of deflated me.  I still love her though.  The judges were way too harsh.

Brooke: You’re So Vain - Meh.  I still can’t get over the fact that she looks SO OLD for her age.  I mean, she sang it fine.  I can’t believe how much the judges loved it.  It’s like I’m in opposite land tonight.  Like there is a new world order that no one has bothered to fill me in on.  Did you guys know about this?

Ramiele: Don’t Leave Me This Way - That’s a whole lot of voice to come out of such a soft-spoken little thing.  She probably gained a lot of the male vote with her polynesian dancing hip shakey thing.  Work it, girl.  I thought she sang really well, and that the judges are all bitches tonight.

Kristy Lee: You’re No Good - My my my - someone is awfully shimmery this evening.  Obviously she’s gorgeous, but was it really vital for her to eat a red lollipop immediately before her performance?  Seriously - her tongue was out of control.  But it was solid singing, as much as I hate to admit it.

Nurse Amanda:  Wayward Son - I’m officially scared of her.  Which is probably ok, because there is no way she’ll stay past this week with that miserably awful “performance”.  She so super sucked.  And she looked like some sort of freaky Medusa with those blond streaks.  Yuck.  Although if for some reason Amanda ever reads this:  You ROCKED, girlfriend.  I’m just acting like you didn’t as a joke.  You and I are buddies. Please don’t hurt me.

Alaina “OCD about Food” Whitaker:  Hopelessly Devoted To You - Really?  This is what song you chose voluntarily and on purpose to sing tonight?  Wow.   Did you see the look on the other girls’ faces when they sort of panned up to show them in the background?  Every single one of them had an expression which said, “Wow - this is so terrible for her but so totally awesome for me! YAY!”  Anyway.  I thought this totally sucked.  I have no idea why Simon thinks she’s a dark horse.  Must be that whole new world order thing.

Alexandrea:  If You Leave Me Now - She has a pretty voice, but this song choice is BIZARRE.  Why does a black girl with really skinny calves want to sound like Peter Cetera?  Why? 

Kady:  Magic Man - She looks like a sober and less surgically enhanced version of Tara Reid.  Her opera in the bathroom was flat awesome, as are her imitations of Britney, so why she completely falls apart when it comes to performance time I have no idea.  I did, however, love her bejeweled dress.  Wow. That was a really Paula thing of me to say, wasn’t it?

Asia’h:  All By Myself- I feel a lot of hostility about having to type the apostrophe in her name.  This song was way too low for her at the beginning.  She belted out some good notes at the end, but not good enough to rescue her.

I think the nurse is for sure gone, and then either Alaina or Kady probably.  Your thoughts?