This man was just arrested for having sex with a picnic table.
Yes. You read that correctly. According to this article, this 40 year old dude is married with 3 kids. So at one point in time or another, there was actual human sex made available to him. However, for whatever reason, he has been compelled, FOUR TIMES NOW, to have sex with his picnic table.
I know. You’re thinking, “Whaaaa? How does one go about having sexual intercourse with a table?” Well, happily, the article explains that he stood the table on its side, and then stuck his weewee into the part of the table which would normally accommodate an umbrella.
The reason he’s been arrested on felony charges is because he’s been doing this IN THE NUDE out in the open, where any number of helpless children could easily see him. Nice.
You know - every so often, you hear about some freak with some freaky fetish, and you think, “Ok - NOW I’ve heard it all.” And then you get a story about sex with a picnic table. 10 points will be awarded to the first person who can come up with the actual name of this fetish. GO!
I don’t have the name, but I bet I know the pickup line he uses…”Why don’t you let me stick my umbrella in that hole that outdoor tables have for umbrellas.”
Works every time…
So…picnic here often? You know what would would get me all akimbo? Puttin’ it in there. You heard me. So, are your table legs tired, cuz you’ve been running through my dreams all night. So, is your grain all smooth like that for everyone or are you just excited to see me? Your clip-on tablecloth holders look lovely in this light. Can I put it in there? How about just the tip?
That nasty Holmeslice