The Mock Dock

I was in grade school. Once we were taking a test. I was copying this other kid’s paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine. And she said, “Holmes, am I stupid or were you cheating?” I said, “Ah, yes and no.”

She sends me to the principal, and I get to his office and I sit down and he looks at me and says, “Holmes, Holmes, Holmes.” I said, “I’m the one in the middle, you drunken slob.” He said, “How would you like to repeat the fifth grade?” I said, “Well, I don’t know if I could do it exactly, uh, but I’ll try.”

He said, “I could expel you!” I said, “You’ll have to catch and eat me first, you wierdo!” He said, “Holmes, you have to go over to the school psychologist.” I said, “Why do I have to go to the school psychologist?” So he shows me the petition.

And I go over to the psychologist, and he says, “Holmes, what does this inkblot look like to you?” I said, “Oh, it’s kind of embarrassing.” He said, “Holmes, everyone sees something, so don’t be embarrassed. Tell me what the inkblot looks like to you.” I said, “Well, to me it looks like standard pattern #3 in the Rorschach series to test obsessive compulsiveness.” And he gets kind of depressed. I said, “Okay, it’s a butterfly.” And he cheers up.

He said, “What does this inkblot look like?” I said, “It looks like a horrible ugly blob of pure evil that sucks the souls of man into a vortex of sin and degradation.” He said, “No, um, the inkblot’s over there. That’s a photo of my wife you’re looking at.” “Oh,” I said, “was I far off?” He said, “No. That’s the sad part.”

And he gives me a chocolate Easter bunny. And this shows how tricky those guys are. I eat the chocolate and I think, wait a second… this isn’t around Easter. “Was this a test?” He said, “Yes.” “And what does it mean?” He said, “Well, had you eaten the ears first you would have been normal; had you eaten the feet first you would have had an inferiority complex; had you eaten the tail first you would have had latent homosexual tendencies; and had you eaten the breasts first you would have had a latent oedipal complex.” I said, “Well, go on. What does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream, ‘Stop staring at me!’?'” He says, “It shows you’ve a tendency towards self-destruction.” I said, “What do you recommend?” He says, “Go for it!”

Man, I loved grade school!

Absurdly yours,

Holmes