The Mock Dock

Anger. We all have it. Most of the time it makes sense. Somebody insults you, dangerously cuts you off in traffic, blatantly hits on your chick in front of you – who wouldn’t get angry? But why do I want to slap somebody for sneezing too many times? Or knock a drink out of someone’s hand for chewing their ice? These are the questions I want answers to. I have way too much irrational, inappropriate anger. Or do I?

I often become infuriated where inanimate objects are concerned. Recently, the printer at the public library broke, so I slammed the ink carriage on the table and these hard pieces shot off. Then I punched it for good measure. This allowed me a sense of satisfaction, as if I joined Mike Bolton and the boys as they gave a beat-down to that wretched fax machine. (I’m not going to describe this scene for those of you who haven’t seen Office Space. Just for not watching this brilliant gold nugget of comedy, I now want to punch YOU in the face.) Now it is dead. Good. Oh, and I should also confess to getting into a fight with a light fixture not to long ago. I ended up breaking a chair, cutting up my leg, punching the light, and calling it a “stupid flangdoogler.” (The Dr. Suess section is near the computers) Nothing brings out the sailor talk out in me more than trying to fix something. I’m not your handyman.

Remember when I brought up sneezing and ice-chewing? Let’s discuss. Everybody has to sneeze sometimes – but only a couple sneezes. That does the trick 99% of the time. When I hear somebody sneeze over, and over, and over – it makes feel like they’re just trying to get attention. “Oooh, look at me (sniffle, sniffle), I’m so sick (sneeze, sneeze), pity me (sniffle, sneeze), if only there was something I could do (sneeze, sniffle, sneeze). There is something you son of a blinwuzzler!! It’s called tissue – BLOW INTO IT WITH YOUR NOSE!! This gets rid of the little itch that causes you to sneeze. I learned that when I was five moron. And ice chewing?? I cannot stand the noises people make when they chew, but I understand it’s necessary. (Necessary or not, if you eat crunchy cereal next to me in a quiet room, I just may try to kill you). Well, with ice, noise isn’t necessary. Nobody needs to chew ice. You’re spreading that horrible sound to all the ears around you, and for what? No nutritional need is being met. No thirst is being quenched faster. Go to hell ice chewer. Go to hell and burn.