The Mock Dock

I am pretty sure that this evening’s edition of American Idol was created specifically to see how much Mariah Carey I could withstand before taking my own life.  And I’m happy to report that I’m still here.  BUT BARELY.  Jump in to read about the show.

First of all, I was so immediately furious at Pariah’s shoes AND her dog.  I just HATE her so much.  And she was all, “Don’t look at me like a judge - just look at me like a friend you just met who sings and writes songs.”  GAG.  Translation:  “Don’t look at me like a judge - in fact, just don’t look at me.  I’m too awesome for you to look at.  But if you’re going to look at me, please assume an appropriate expression of awe, or I’ll have my dog hump your leg.”  You know what?  She looks like a muppet when she smiles.  Which is mean to muppets, but it’s true.  I hate her.

David Archuleta - When You Believe:  I have never heard this song, but I thought it was nice.  You can’t deny that David has a very listenable voice.  And he’s so smiley it’s hard not to like him.  But you know what - the fact that every single person on this show is going to be singing Mariah Carey songs put me in an instantaneous bitter and foul mood, and I’m sure that will cloud my judgment for everyone’s performance.  So maybe this was utterly awesome.  I just can’t be sure.

Carly Smithson - Without You: Carly called Mariah a RAY OF SUNSHINE.  And yet, somehow, I managed NOT to puke all over my couch.  Anyway, I thought this was was fine.  As much as I hate to say it, Mariah happens to do a really great version of this song, and it’s kinda hard to replicate.  I HATE that Mariah has a good voice.  You have no idea the pain it causes me to admit it.

Syesha - Vanishing:  Again, it pains me to say this, but this is probably my favorite Mariah song.  And I don’t even like to admit that I HAVE a favorite.  And as much as I usually enjoy Syesha, I thought her rendition of this was practically unrecognizable.  I have to say, overall…..meh.

Brooke - Hero:  Not to be Paula or anything, but Brooke looked really pretty tonight.  Which is good because this was TERRIBLE.  Painfully awfully terrible.  And I am SICK AND TIRED of her making that puzzled underbite face.  Seriously - I am to the point where I kind of want to break her jaw.

Kristy McStupidStance - Forever: I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but this was good.  At first I was ready to be all hateful to her because it’s absurd that she is still on the show and aussie boy is not.  And it still is - but this was really as good as I’ve ever heard her be.

David Cook - Always Be a Part of Me:  I loved this arrangement. He totally ROCKED IT OUT at the end.  What I loved most about this was that it couldn’t have seemed LESS like a Mariah Carey song.  They just need to give him the contract already. I want to have his album RIGHT NOW.  And I am just so completely sapped out that he cried.  And you know why?  Because his cancer-ridden brother was like medi-coptered to the show tonight to be with him, even though he is at death’s door.  And there is nothing like a family cancer story to make me sob like a baby.

Jason Castro - I Don’t Wanna Cry: Somehow in covering a Mariah Carey song, he ended up sounding like George Michael.   I kinda liked it.

I really think it’s time for Brooke to go.  Or Kristy.  Either one.