This article says the dude pictured above has had sex with over 1000 cars. And I know what you’re thinking, “What’s the big deal about having sex in over 1000 cars?” Well, I tell you the big deal. The big deal is that he hasn’t had sex IN over 1000 cars. He’s had sex WITH over 1000 cars. And even as I type that, I have no idea what it really means.
He says, “I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love. Maybe I’m a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it’s just wonderful. I’m a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what’s in my heart and I have no desire to change. I’m not sick and I don’t want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference.”
Well, all that is fine and crazy, but I still don’t get how he actually has sex with them. I mean, does he just have sex AGAINST them or is there some sort of automotive cavity that he is actually penetrating here?
All guesses are welcome.
Oh c’mon I’m sure you know… (EW!)
Let’s just say he won’t be paying the mark up gas prices this summer the rest of us will be paying.
And if he went near my car, I would cut a bitch.
Wait, isn’t Holmes gonna enlighten us with his infinite well of knowledge & words of wisdom?
He probably will after he finishes working on his awesomely developed calf muscles. Usually that takes the whole weekend.
Knowing him he could probably quote from 1st hand experience…
Can’t say this ****tail of feelings (awe mixed with shock and bafflement–plus occasional disgust) that I feel for our dear Holmes is not only because of them universally famous awesomely developed calf muscles… (which by the way, whenever I hear mentioned, I picture a reversed version of Popeye)
HAHAHA had to laugh out loud when the script version of the TV BEEEP censored the c-o-c-k out of my c-o-c-ktail of feelings….
And then they put my last comment as “anonymous”…. o_O
I apologize for my tardiness to this conversation…but as Mockerena, Bunny, Dame, their husbands and this lonely bastard finished our Friday together, I could only watch their taillights fade into the pitch of night, as I glanced at my Jeep with a certain amount of love, nay lust in my eyes.
As I slowly ran my finger tips over its sheet metal, I could swear I could feel a slight quiver, a charge of excitement run through her door dings and rock chips. She was wet. (Though it had been raining all day as previously reported…”What color would you say this is?”) As my truck sat their, glistening and obviously anticipating my every touch, I knew that it was finally our time to be one.
And so it was to be… I took out my fob and pushed the unlock button, slowly, gently…and I pushed it again…and again…I then took my key and slowly laid just the tip of the key against the keyhole. (I learned today that I need to replace the batteries in the fob…2 C3016s).
With a knowing beep and a blinking of her lights, I knew it was okay to put the key in… with the full length of the shaft drawing tightly in the tumbler. Upon climbing in the warmth of the cab, I knew I was home…had found a place that only I was to know in that moment. There may have been others before…but right then, there was only me.
I turned my key again and felt her rev. I pushed gently on the accelerator and felt her charge with anticipation again and again and again. As my desire to come home was rising, I continued to press her pedal and make her moan as the oil and other fluids poured through her motor.
And then all at once I gazed in to her dashboard and we were one. All sensation was overthrown, sight was taken away and sound was stripped by the passion.
I had blown the engine. So, I had to walk home.
So I really don’t know much about cars at all…I wish I had more to say about this creep who finds his car bootylicious, desiring to make love to an auto…I think that is disgusting….
Anyway, gotta go try to meet someone..anyone…I am lonely….Does anyone have directions to the nearest Chrysler dealership?
Much love,
Holmes
And Pris, I take your mixed feelings as a true compliment… as for your mental image…do tell more…
oh
Maybe another time…
And I did mean it as a compliment (I think) Mockdock without cringing after a Holmes post/comment is like… uh… Caipirinha without lime… (gotta get me a refil…)
Well good luck @ Chrysler
He likes to stick it in the tailpipe. heheheh. YEAH, I WENT THERE.( Oh, you were all thinking it, c’mon!)
Watch it. That tail pipe gets HOT. It might leave a mark.
My first guess would also be the tail pipe. But I seriously doubt he’s THAT lucky, if you know what I mean.
My first thought about this article is that the gas tank is an unfortunate victim. It’s probably just the right height for the short, lonely man.
I know this comment is extremely late, but I’ve just discovered MockDock and cannot keep myself from reading the pages and pages of your archives. The company that I work for has lost a good three hours of my time on their dime. I hope I don’t get fired… but it seems worth it. Thanks MockDock!