The Mock Dock

As I traveled toward home tonight, I stopped in to my local market to get groceries for this weekend with my kids, which means I actually had to purchase healthy foods like fruits and vegetables. Now mind you that my normal diet when I am alone consists of all things roll-able - Tootsie Rolls, Fruit Roll-ups and Pizza Rolls.

As I turned form the bakery section, freshly baked baguette in hand, I totally just saw a freaking giant man and a midget woman…together…as a couple. First, let me share that I have an unhealthy fascination with midgets. Second, allow me to tell you that I have an unhealthy disgust brought on by giants. So this totally caught me off guard.

As he lumbered down the main, tiled drag of the store, covered in yards of light-blue denim and some schnazzy brown suspenders, he simply rested his hand at his side while his diminutive partner reached up and placed her sausage-esque phalanges in his palm. I was stricken with an inability to look away.

I was so busy watching - read as “staring” - at them as they very unevenly walked placing various normal-sized perishables in their cart, that I walked straight into the end of a shelf thing covered in women’s products and then had to clean them all up - ironic. Not only that…I was wearing pants and shirt that were near enough to the staff’s garmentry that an elderly man asked me if I could help him find the Ensure.

I could not allow this grandfatherly fellow to go another day without his Daily Recommended Allowance of Calcium and whatever vitamin makes them all smell the same. I simply lead him to aisle 4, perched on my tiptoes, flexing my awesomely developed calf muscles and pointed to the pharmacy zone and went about my business of re-stocking and fronting the shelves in my section.

After all of this hullaballoo, I was so embarrassed that I left without my groceries…the poor basket left idle by and endcap of hygiene stuff.

As I scrambled to my truck to make my “getaway”, I looked in my mirror to see them. He slowly lifted his teeny-weeny bride in to the passenger seat, crumpled his 7+ foot frame into the driver’s seat and glided into a life of fighting for the bed sheet-level… and I trudged home to be alone, dumbfounded by the juxtaposition of life.

Absurdly yours,
Holmes