Monthly Archive for May, 2008Page 2 of 15

Does This Anger You As Much As It Does Me?

Published
by
Mockarena
on May 30, 2008
in Celebrity and Mockery
. 1 Comment

Look at these two.  How much do they need to be punched in the face?

So now, in addition to some fool paying Spencer to write his own advice column, and in addition to allowing these two jokers to receive a salary for being on national TV on a regular basis, and in addition to paying them for various appearances, now Heidi and Spencer have a website that they call “Speidiweb” where they blog and list appearances and post various TOTALLY CANDID AND NOT AT ALL POSED PHOTOS, much like the one above, of themselves.  For which they are probably paid.

Forget war.  Forget global warming.  Forget poverty and disease.  Our next president has a bigger issue at hand - and it’s figuring out a way to eliminate these two from the collective consciousness of the entire nation.  I know I’m partially contributing to their publicity by even writing about them, but you see, this is my anger management outlet, so I feel as though I have a bit of an excuse.  Plus, you’ll notice I WILL NOT link to their site, nor will I even go to it to check it out. I refuse, and you should too. (Unless of course you want to check it out, report back in our comments section how lame it is, and then I can live vicariously through you).

Anyway.

HATE.

Giants and Midgets…and Feminine Hygiene!

Published
by
Holmes
on May 29, 2008
in Holmes Life of Idiocy
. 1 Comment

As I traveled toward home tonight, I stopped in to my local market to get groceries for this weekend with my kids, which means I actually had to purchase healthy foods like fruits and vegetables. Now mind you that my normal diet when I am alone consists of all things roll-able - Tootsie Rolls, Fruit Roll-ups and Pizza Rolls.

As I turned form the bakery section, freshly baked baguette in hand, I totally just saw a freaking giant man and a midget woman…together…as a couple. First, let me share that I have an unhealthy fascination with midgets. Second, allow me to tell you that I have an unhealthy disgust brought on by giants. So this totally caught me off guard.

As he lumbered down the main, tiled drag of the store, covered in yards of light-blue denim and some schnazzy brown suspenders, he simply rested his hand at his side while his diminutive partner reached up and placed her sausage-esque phalanges in his palm. I was stricken with an inability to look away.

I was so busy watching - read as “staring” - at them as they very unevenly walked placing various normal-sized perishables in their cart, that I walked straight into the end of a shelf thing covered in women’s products and then had to clean them all up - ironic. Not only that…I was wearing pants and shirt that were near enough to the staff’s garmentry that an elderly man asked me if I could help him find the Ensure.

I could not allow this grandfatherly fellow to go another day without his Daily Recommended Allowance of Calcium and whatever vitamin makes them all smell the same. I simply lead him to aisle 4, perched on my tiptoes, flexing my awesomely developed calf muscles and pointed to the pharmacy zone and went about my business of re-stocking and fronting the shelves in my section.

After all of this hullaballoo, I was so embarrassed that I left without my groceries…the poor basket left idle by and endcap of hygiene stuff.

As I scrambled to my truck to make my “getaway”, I looked in my mirror to see them. He slowly lifted his teeny-weeny bride in to the passenger seat, crumpled his 7+ foot frame into the driver’s seat and glided into a life of fighting for the bed sheet-level… and I trudged home to be alone, dumbfounded by the juxtaposition of life.

Absurdly yours,
Holmes

This Is The Worst News Ever. And I’m Serious. No Snark Here.

Published
by
Mockarena
on May 29, 2008
in Celebrity
. 2 Comments

 

Harvey Korman died today at age 81.  I cannot TELL you how much this bums me out. I am genuinely totally sad about this because I loved loved LOVED and still love the Carol Burnett show.

I loved so much that Harvey Korman couldn’t help cracking up in front of live audiences at Tim Conway’s antics. This is my favorite clip of the two of them ever.

I will be back to my normal mockingness, my mockerocity, my mockaliciousness, after I take a few moments to grieve the loss of this great great comedian.

RIP, Harvey. :(

What In The Bloody Hell Is Wrong With Marc Jacobs?

Published
by
Mockarena
on May 29, 2008
in Celebrity and Mockery
. 2 Comments

Why does he keep insisting on making Victoria Beckham look completely retarded in all of his ads?   I mean, yes, of COURSE the clothes are ridiculous.  But it’s like he’s purposely got some team of stylists from some reject beauty school doing her makeup and hair for these ads.  And he’s saying, “Hey you guys.  Let’s make Victoria look pale and terrified and splotchy and totally dead in the eyes in every possible shot.  I think that will go over well with the general public.”

Mission accomplished, Marc.  Well done.

Clay Aiken is a Baby Daddy.

Published
by
Dame Aufschneider
on May 29, 2008
in American Idol, Celebrity and Eeeew
. 10 Comments

Didn’t think I would type that today. Want more details? Are you sure?

Continue reading ‘Clay Aiken is a Baby Daddy.’

Dumbest Idea Ever.

Published
by
Mockarena
on May 29, 2008
in Britney and Mockery
. 4 Comments

According to this, Britney Spears is being considered for the Broadway production of Grease.  And I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking, “Aww - it’s nice of them to let Britney play the school cook.”  But you guys - they want her to play SANDY.  As in the lead.  As in the part that Olivia Newton John made famous.

This is completely ridiculous for two reasons.  First, because look what Britney Spears looks like today.  The girl is unable to make herself presentable in public.  Secondly, the last time I went to a Broadway musical, the music was live.  As in not lip synced.  “Live” and “Britney” = Disaster.

If this is true, I sooooo want to go see it.  And I will sneak in a video camera like Jerry Seinfeld did to bootleg those movies for Kramer, so that you can all enjoy the freakshow.

So Cute It Makes My Heart Hurt

Published
by
Mockarena
on May 29, 2008
in Celebrity
. 6 Comments

Actor Kirk Douglas tries-out a playground slide at Lillian Elementary ...

I have a total soft spot for old people.  So does Bunny and so does Dame.  We see old people, especially old couples, walking together hand in hand and before we even can stop ourselves, we all collectively slap a hand over our heart and make that face that you make when you see something so touching that it just  makes your very soul practically explode.

Anyway.  Can you even LOOK at this photo of Kirk Douglas and not want to pick him up and put him directly in your pocket??  I mean, it’s not just Kirk Douglas. It’s Kirk Douglas post-stroke.  And it’s not even just Kirk Douglas post-stroke, it’s Kirk Douglas post-stroke on a playground slide, for crying out loud.  And do you know why?  Because he and his wife just donated, for the 400th time, money to renovate a playground in LA.

You don’t get more precious than that.

Japan - You Can Have Her, Part 2: Now With Video!

Published
by
Mockarena
on May 29, 2008
in I Hate Mariah Carey
. 1 Comment

So there is now video of Mariah Carey throwing out a ceremonial pitch at a Japanese baseball game.

You guys - I sooo want to make fun of her horrible throw, but that would mean I’d have to own up to how bad of a thrower I am. You know how people say, “Oh - you throw like a girl” and it’s meant to be kind of a put-down? Well, if someone said that to me it would be like the compliment ever, because I could only HOPE to throw like a girl. As it happens, I throw like a toddler who hasn’t learned to throw yet. My aim is impossibly bad. I can’t even blow kisses at my husband without some perfect stranger saying, “HEY! Watch where you’re blowing your kisses, jerk!” It’s that bad.

In any case, since I have now owned up to it, I’m delighted to report that Mariah Carey sucks at baseball.

Japan - You Can Have Her

Published
by
Mockarena
on May 28, 2008
in I Hate Mariah Carey
. 5 Comments

This is what Mariah Carey wore to throw out a ceremonial baseball pitch at some Japanese baseball game. 

I hate her so much that I’m at a loss for words.  Except to say that she looks like a conehead with her hair slicked back like that.  A conehead with stupid shoes and overly dry knees.

She’s Available.

Published
by
Mockarena
on May 28, 2008
in Celebrity and Mockery
. 1 Comment

Sarah Larson and George Clooney have apparently called it quits.  But I don’t know if it’s the kind of quits that the tabloids just make up, like Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo, or if it’s for real quits.

George Clooney recently got veneers, so perhaps he’s just feeling really good about himself lately and thought it was time for him to upgrade to someone who hasn’t made out with magazines.