It was only yesterday, that Mockerena described a necklace as flaccid, creating quite a bit of internet buzz and confusion. So it seems to me that her explanation seems fair. Though I had not intended to share this personal moment with all of you, it seems only right that you should understand how a penis might feel the anguish displayed on that chain. Here is the text of a short letter I had scribed only moments before its picture was taken…
Dear Penis,
I’m terribly sorry I had to do this through a letter. This is not easy for me at all, honestly. This note will be the last memory you’ll ever have of me. I really don’t care for you anymore. That’s the way it is.
Don’t let it get you all upset. We were not a good match. It is because of your history of problems that keep me from being even remotely interested in continuing this relationship with you. You so often take over my thoughts and cause my pants to tighten. And, you have been unwilling to stop, even after we talked about this.
You’d be much better off finding a person that can deal with the annoying way you leave your snot rags on the table. I might miss certain things about you such as the time you flirted with my girlfriend at our family Christmas dinner or that immense weight I have become used to lugging around.
But, I’m glad this is done, and that we’re going separate directions for good. I know you’ll find what you want in this world.
Hope all goes well,
Holmes
Couldn’t you just text message your penis and be done with it instead of penning this long, flowery missive? Oh well, look on the bright side–at least you won’t have lower back pain from lugging around all that weight.
This picture made me really hungry, which was vaguely traumatic, considering the context it was used under…thank you kindly, Holmes.
I am here to satisfy….it seems only appropriate…after all we have been through together…to take the time to write…besides…we made up…so all is good….we are thick as thieves and long on friendship…now just to find a quiet, warm place to relax…while I work on my awesomely developed calf muscles…
I’m glad you’ve reconciled yourself with, um, yourself, Holmes. But you have to be willing to bend a little when it comes to this 2-way relationship. I think it will continue to have a strong will. It will still invade your thoughts and tighten your pants. But you should enjoy this side of your penis now, while you still can. Because it won’t be long before it disappoints you in many, many other ways.