The Mock Dock

So I have been looking for my first house.  Bunny has been gracious enough to help me look. In the greater Indianapolis area where Mock Dock Central is located, we have a helpful realtor website which allows a viewer to see images specifics about houses on the market. Since the market is the way it is, I am starting to look at houses a bit out of my price range. This afternoon, Bunny and I decided to go WAYYYY outside my price range just for fun. We concluded the following thoughts about each image we saw. Enjoy.

Bunny: Welcome to 1789.  The French called.  They want their revolution back.

 

Dame: Come on in. Please, make yourself at home.

 

Bunny: Yes.  At home.  In this gargantuan hole of an abode.

Bunny: Hungry, you say?  Why…put on this loincloth and let’s eat lunch.  Here.  Under this plastic jungle.  (Remember:  this is the INSIDE of someone’s home.) 

 

Dame: Nothing like a causal breakfast nook for those late night snacks.

 

Bunny: Where do you even BUY something like this?  Like a special zoo habitat store???

 

Dame: It seems as though the tree is the seventh party guest. Like he has pulled up a seat to eat with the family.

Bunny: This table has hooves.

 

Dame: I don’t know where to begin. Let’s start with the walls. The shnozberries taste like shnozberries.

 

Bunny: Remember the dinner scene in Beetlejuice?  Yeahh…….  These chairs…..I……And the wall panels look like ironing board covers.

 

Bunny: Featuring the Big and Tall chair collection…for rich people with gigantic asses!

 

Dame: Inviting the starting line up for the Lakers? PERFECT!

 

 

Bunny: A harpsichord?  WTF?  I didn’t even think these existed anymore!  And I like that the coffee table has a footstool, in case its feet get tired.  Even rich people’s FURNITURE is treated better than I am.

 

Dame: Dollar says Liberace looks at this room and says “God, what a gay room.”

 

Bunny: Where exactly does one purchase a gilded ceiling?  And golden crown moulding?  

 

Dame: I really appreciate the sensible lamp in the corner. Like the owners were out shopping and said, “You know, these lamps are a little gaudy. Let’s go with something simple.”

 

Bunny: Nice urn on the harpsichord.  Are those Mozart’s ashes?

READER’S NOTE:  This is the original caption that accompanied this photo:

This Room Could Be Used as an Ice Skating Rink as There is a Teflon Type Flooring. When Covered with Carpet, the Room Is Also Used as a Ballroom. The Walls & Ceiling Are Covered with Fabric.

Bunny: Come and stay at the Sybaris….at the Sybaris…

Dame: Nothing says “Class” like the colors MAUVE and TEAL. Together. On a ceiling. Nothing.

Bunny: I see Mockarena’s ghost on the ceiling…and what is the print on that horrid wallpaper?  Are those dragons?  Hey…have you ever gone on the Gravitron at the State Fair?

Bunny: I’ve never done acid, but I imagine this is the basic experience.

 

Bunny: What’s that you got in the jar there, Louis Pasteur?  Doin’ the ol’ flies out of rotten meat experiment? 

 

Dame: The antique motif REALLY goes well with the Linens N’ Things 9.99 special white seat covers.

 

 

The dog pillow is so mockable that we can’t even begin to mock it.  We are simply sitting here, giggling at it.  Woof, woof!

 

 

Bunny: Hark! This house will not sell in a fortnight!

 

Dame: That double entrance in the back looks like a butt.

 

Bunny: This is a great room for entertaining when the Montagues and the Capulets drop by.

 

 

Bunny: Hark again!  I say unto thee…this house will not sell in a fortnight!

 

Dame: I appreciate that the knight’s carpet matches the drapes.

 

Bunny: No home is complete without those special, cozy touches.  Like a creepy knight in armor to stand in the corner. Watching your every move.  Welcome home!

 

Dame: Explain to me what artist around town comes into these homes and paints murals of French country sides and are able to still call themselves artists.

 

Bunny: For real. How did this artist keep a straight face when the homeowner said “…and then I want the dining room to have a mural of the countryside….”

 

 

 

Bunny: I really love the oil painting of Prince, over by the doorway. 

 

Dame: I’m glad they went all out with the bedroom TV. Did you get a deal at Big Lots which also comes with scrambled porn?

 

Bunny: There are so many patterns in this photo that my brain is seizing. 

 

Dame: Where do you get such a thing as twin cat ottomans?

 

Bunny: You get them at Big Lots as part of the TV deal. 

 

Conclusions -

1.  Do not equate wealth with good taste.

2.  Rich designers have taken the world’s supply of patterns… and they aren’t afraid to use them. A LOT.

3.  Signature rich a-hole color palette:  red, gold, hunter green. Best used as much as possible in every room.