The Mock Dock

No one said life would be easy.
Well my parents kind of implied it when they told me about an Easter Bunny, a Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. I mean that is not exactly a warning of things to come.
So you’re mad at your parents because they didn’t tell you how messed up life can get?
No. I just thought it would be easier.
You’re a dummy.
I know. And that’s because I ignored what smart people were telling me when I was a kid. I thought it would be more fun to drink beer and masturbate and sulk. And it was! Sometimes I would do all three in one night. It’s been downhill ever since.
But still…
Yeah. I pretty much screwed up.
But you’re doing okay. Right?
I just wish I were smarter and more confident in my beliefs.
Which beliefs are those?
It doesn’t matter.
What is the best advice you ever got?
Always wear a condom.
What do you think is the most common mistake that people make?
They don’t wear a condom.
But if your dad wore a condom, you wouldn’t be here right now.
Exactly. And I wouldn’t be suffering through the worst blog I ever wrote.
It is pretty bad.
I’m in a bad place with my writing. Constipated. Stuck. All Blocked up…like a colon after eating a wheel of Edam. You get the point.
I do and it is exceedingly unfunny.
Penis. Vagina. Crap.
What are you doing?
Sometimes people find dirty words funny. Ass. Balls. Weiner. Doody.
It’s not working.
Fart. Beaver. Testicles.
This is pathetic.
Plus, I’m running out of dirty words. Uterus. Dick. Bottom.
I’m leaving.
Scrotum. Nipple. Vulva. Schlong.