The Mock Dock

You are thirty-four.
That is true.
Comment?
I will be thirty-five on November 3 and that sure is something.
Does it bother you?
I suppose but so many things bother me that it gets lost in the pile.
The bother pile?
That’s right, which is right next to my poopoo undie pile.
The good news: I have proclaimed my love for Funyuns.
Funyuns? That’s a fake onion ring snack, right?
Oh yeah. You nailed it. “A fake onion ring snack”. And the Beatles were a “musical band.” And having penis relations with a hot sexy woman is “just pleasant.”
You appledick. Funyuns rule!
I stand corrected.
You stand dumb and bald-fat smelly.
What does that mean?
I don’t know. I lash out when I am angry.
What are you angry about?
Vagina! Penis! Flopsweat!
Let’s change topics. What have you been doing lately?
Same old stuff. Went to the dentist.
And do you have any cavities?
No, I think the dentist molested me. Her lady bits were on my shoulder. I could feel her heat. I love to be near a lady’s bits, but not with a paper apron and metal clip on my chest. I had to think about broccoli being shoved in Dame Judy Dench’s butthole to keep my erection under control.
You are a mess. Thirty four and still fighting erections like an eighth-grader.
I’m just lonely. I need to meet someone who might want to try to love me. Someone who might be willing to open her heart to a depressing, fat idiot who rolls out of bed each morning disappointed that he had to wake up and live another day.
Do you need me to lay next to you so your life and bed don’t feel so empty?
You’re not going to try anything queer are you?
I doubt it. What do you consider queer?
The normal stuff. Two men. Penis in bottom. Penis in mouth. Penis in hand. Hugging. Kissing.
I can’t imagine why I would do any of those things.
You can’t imagine? Or you definitely will not do any of those things?
I definitely will not do any of those things.
Because. Seriously. I am so straight I eat a hot dog from the middle.
So you would never be into those things?
No! No! No!
Just asking. You obviously can’t make a woman dig you. So…
Stop asking. It’s a closed topic.
Anything else?
Regarding?
Anything.
Anything else regarding anything? What kind of interview is this?
A crappy one. Like on Entertainment Tonight. I’m no good at this.
Slow down. What’s wrong? You are always so arrogant and confident.
My aunt caught me masturbating.
You have an aunt? But you’re a voice that lives in my head.
Wrong. I’m a “voice that lives at his aunt’s house because his own parents hate that he was ever born” which is in your head.
Sorry. Get your hand off my thigh.