The Mock Dock

Tuesdays and Thursdays are the days each week that my kids spend completely with their mom. It is often a 12-14 hour workday for me followed by a slow drive home, a baker’s dozen ice cold beers and a gentle weeping that ends with sharp in-breaths and spittle as I curl up in the middle of my living room floor holding fast to a teddy bear or pillow or pile of freshly clean clothes that they had worn the weekend prior.

Each of these days, however, my 6-year old son, 4-year old daughter and I share a few stolen moments together thanks to Ma Bell and the amazing telephone wires. Each Tuesday and Thursday, Holmes Jr. and Holmesita recall the exciting times of their mornings. Often I am told of Lego towers built only to be knocked down with marbles. I hear of princess dolls that have been held captive by legions of stuffed animals. I hear of alabaster flesh being trounced by the cold waters pouring from the grommets of the sprinkler. I hear of all the things that make my cold, dead heart try to beat again.

My son likes rules. They make him confident and comfortable in this cockamamie world. They give him, a 6-year-old, a sense of control. They give him power of his angst.

As we chatted on the phone this afternoon, he told me of his trip to a local museum filled with a hundred years of racing memorabilia and actual on-track cars. His spirits soared…his imagination higher. It was then that this conversation took place:

“Daddy, Holmesita, went poop at the museum.”

“In her pants?”

“No, no silly. She told Gramma and they went into the bathroom. Then 10 minutes later, she went pee.”

“In her pants?”

“No, goofy. She went in the bathroom and peed. Because that is how it is for girls. 10 minutes after they poop, they pee.”

This is not a rule of which I have been aware. I was married for 10 years. I have dated women of all ages since my divorce. I have not noticed the practical application of this rule in any of these relationships. However, Holmes Jr. has made this a rule in his world. “That is how it is for girls.”

So ladies, I ask that we at least make every attempt to honor this little boys wishes - nay dreams - of the 10-minute Rule.

Absurdly yours,

Holmes