Monthly Archive for July, 2008Page 2 of 19

Let’s Just Imagine For A Moment

Published
by
Mockarena
on July 30, 2008
in General Observation, Mockery and News
. 42 Comments

A new song by Ludacris has been leaked, and it’s like, totally offensive on so many levels.  And you know what I thought when I read it?  What a total and complete freakout people would have if someone white ever uttered anything even remotely similar to this drivel.  Let’s imagine, if you will, someone like Toby Keith writing lyrics saying that Obama is is mentally handicapped or that he is a b*&tard who’s irrelevant or that he doesn’t belong in any chair unless he’s paralyzed.  Do you realize the public WRATH that Toby Keith would have to face? He’d be ostracized and there would be media outrage and it would be the top news on every media outlet for like a year.

Fortunately for Ludacris, he lives in a country that allows him to spew this garbage.  Unfortunately for everyone on The Mock Dock, I’m subjecting you to it.

Lyrics:
I’m back on it like I just signed my record deal
yeah the best is here, the Bentley Coup paint is dripping wet, it got sex appeal
never should have hated
you never should’ve doubted him
with a slot in the president’s iPod Obama shattered ‘em
Said I handled his biz and I’m one of his favorite rappers
Well give Luda a special pardon if I’m ever in the slammer
Better yet put him in office, make me your vice president
Hillary hated on you, so that b^$&%* is irrelevant
Jesse talking slick and apologizing for what?
if you said it then you meant it how you want it have a gut!
and all you other politicians trying to hate on my man,
watch us win a majority vote in every state on my man
you can’t stop what’s bout to happen, we bout to make history
the first black president is destined and it’s meant to be
the threats ain’t fazing us, the nooses or the jokes
so get off your ass, black people, it’s time to get out and vote!
paint the White House black and I’m sure that’s got ‘em terrified
McCain don’t belong in ANY chair unless he’s paralyzed
Yeah I said it cause Bush is mentally handicapped
Ball up all of his speeches and I throw em like candy wrap
cause what you talking I hear nothing even relevant
and you the worst of all 43 presidents
get out and vote or the end will be near
the world is ready for change because Obama is here!
cause Obama is here
The world is ready for change because Obama is here!

 

An Equation for an Ass-kicking

Published
by
Holmes
on July 30, 2008
in Holmes Life of Idiocy
. 3 Comments

Over-dubbed Kung Fu B Movie + Gang of Chollo Thugs + Man and Woman Street Vigilantes - Half of a professional Basketball Player = BEST FIGHT SCENE EVER!!!!

Would they want her back?!?

Published
by
Dame Aufschneider
on July 30, 2008
in I Hate Katherine Heigl
. 4 Comments

Well, Katherine is opening up her big mouth again…and I love it because it is new material for Heigl-Haters. Yesterday, Smokes-a-ton was out and about and said this about RE-joining the Mormon church:

“I’m not as disciplined about it was I once was, but I hope to find my way back as I get older and a little less selfish. I’m ashamed to say that I’ve just got very lazy about it. I satisfy my vices instead of fighting them. If I start going back to church, I’d have to stop the smoking and drinking. And I wouldn’t be able to curse anymore.”

Wow. If this doesn’t make even you “on the border” Heigl fans see her true colors (and priorities)…then you might as well scroll on down to the next post.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.

You Know Who We Don’t Talk About Nearly Enough?

Published
by
Mockarena
on July 29, 2008
in Celebrity and phooooooooooooot
. 9 Comments

The man. The legend. The incomparable Robbie Williams. BEHOLD - his performance of “Let Me Entertain You” at Knebworth a few years back. A concert at which, you will note, there are JILLIONS of people. Whenever I see footage of this or any other concert of his, it literally makes my heart ache with envy that I wasn’t there. I should SO be in the front row of all of them.

Mr. Mock, God bless ‘im, has been trying to figure out a way to arrange for me to be able to see Robbie in concert on or near or within a few years of my next major birthday milestone. The problem with this plan is that Robbie Williams is currently obsessed with UFO’s and is spending all of his waking hours trying to see one and is refusing to record any new music, and therefore has no immediate plans to go on tour. This puts a major dent in Mr. Mock’s plan to get me to a Robbie Williams show. We already know, since Robbie is basically unheard of in the states, that if he DOES tour again, we’ll have to catch him overseas. I’ve made it easy on Mr. Mock such that I have expressed absolutely NO PREFERENCE when it comes to what country I see Robbie IN, provided that I see him perform just once, in person, in my lifetime. This isn’t much to ask, right?

You’ll notice that I chose to post a video in which there are plenty of hot girls, to encourage our heterosexual male readers to give it a chance. Wherever Robbie goes, there is never a shortage of hot girls, because he is NOT AT ALL GAY. So don’t even bother with the gay jokes (THAT MEANS YOU, HOLMES AND BUNNY), because I’ll be forced to post his make-out pictures with Rachel Hunter. DON’T THINK I WON’T.

Notice also, in this video, how just totally and completely almost-as-hot-as-Mr.-Mock Robbie is. He descends upon the stage hanging upside down, for crying out loud. And then he struts his way onto the stage, out of the middle of a bunch of hot girls, and hundreds of thousands of fans, NONE OF WHICH ARE ME, get to see it in person. NOT FAIR.

Anyway, if you’re new here, and you haven’t ever heard of Robbie Williams, or my obsession with him, welcome to how awesome he is.

Tell all your friends.

Dan to Dance?

Published
by
Mockarena
on July 29, 2008
in Celebrity and Mockery
. 3 Comments

So word on the street is that ex-VP Dan Quayle might be joining the cast of the next round of Dancing with the Stars, alongside the likes of Kim Kardashian and Lance Bass.

This totally makes me want to cry.

I kinda had a crush on Dan Quayle when he was Veep.  At least, when he didn’t speak.  He was great at just standing there and looking pretty though.  The thought of him being in the same company as skanky Kim Kardashian and Gay Lance Bass, on a totally ridiculous dance show, is just really sad to me.  Is there no better gig out there for him? Seriously?

Speaking of Dancing with the Stars, if you are one of the zillions of people wasting your time on that nonsense, please watch So You Think You Can Dance this Wednesday so you can see dancers with actual talent.  Dancing With The Stars is dumb, watered down dancing.

The fact that I have an opinion, either way, on either of these shows also makes me want to cry.

The Doggie Paddle Days of Summer

Published
by
Holmes
on July 29, 2008
in Holmes Life of Idiocy
. 5 Comments

This past Saturday, my kids and I packed up our flippers, goggles, and dive-y sticks to enjoy the day at our community pool. Slathered in cocoa butter lotion, glistening in the sun, Holmes Jr. and Holmesita feverishly splished and splashed in the chlorine goodness of man’s attempt to thwart Mother Nature’s heat. I - needing to get my awesomely developed calf muscles in the pool as fast as possible to keep the throngs of horny lower-leg lovin’ ladies at bay - ran quickly, jumped, did a flip, and splooshed beneath the quiet depths of the pool’s surface.

With the freedom and frivolity being felt by me and my seed-bearers, I hadn’t taken time to notice the couple sitting and watching us from the deck chairs. As I taught Holmes, Jr. the best form for his backstroke and caught Holmesita time after time as she leaped to the safety of her daddy’s tattooed arms, a man of 45 years, slowly sat down on the edge of the pool, dangling his pasty feet in the ice-cold blue.

With daring audacity, this man’s wife approached me and in a sweet, tentative hush asked me if I could teach her husband how to swim. I was taken aback but am unwilling to not help another better his or her existence. And so it was that I found myself teaching Steve, a grown man who had almost drowned at age 10, how to float on his back and doggie paddle.

I spent my Saturday afternoon, with Holmes, Jr. on my right side, moving gracefully through the water perfecting multiple strokes that propel him like a tiny Irish dolphin, Sean O’Eeeeeeeeoooo. In front of me, flexing her petite legs and flinging her 4-year-old life into the water, to paddle her way to daddy, was Holmesita. And…on my left, ravenously flailing his middle-aged arms and legs - like Tom Cruise trying to film that hang-down scene from Mission Impossible with an ear ache - was Steve.

After a mere hour, Aquaman and his wife were pleased with his ability to doggie paddle enough to not go a-dyin’ in the water, so I wrangled my children and we left that space of the pool to play as a family again. It was only after this awkward and absurd situation that I knew it was the right thing to pass up the offers to don the red, Baywatch suit. For as a TV lifeguard, I would have been known only for my perfectly pouting breasts, and not my girthy heart.

Absurdly yours,

Holmes

Ryan Seacrest Was Attacked by a Shark Today

Published
by
Dame Aufschneider
on July 29, 2008
in American Idol, Celebrity and phooooooooooooot
. 7 Comments

Didn’t think I would type that sentence today. Hmm…

Anywhoo…that’s right folks…American Idol host Ryan Seacrest was bitten by a (baby) shark today. He said: “I was bitten by a shark… (there were) a thousand people in the ocean, and I get bit by the shark.”

Ohh…ho…hooo….good ironical twist you have there Cresty. I think the more appropriate quote would be from a shark’s perspective. I imagine one saying: “Ryan Seacrest was in the ocean today, and the only shark that could get a bite was a baby.”

Total shark fail.

Fabulosity™ High-Waisted Skinny Jeans…a.k.a…..Pure Evil Manifested in Pants Form

Published
by
Bunny
on July 29, 2008
in General Observation
. 18 Comments

I saw these at JC Penney yesterday and totally cringed.  They were on a mannequin, and I gazed at them for almost two solid minutes with a look of pain and confusion on my face.  This trend must NOT be allowed to take hold!  They flatter NO ONE, despite what their ad says:

Play up your curves in these retro-inspired high-waist jeans! They cinch and flatten your waist so they look fab on all body types from naturally curvy to a more boyish figure.

Fabulosity can say whatever it wants, but I guarantee these would NOT look “fab” on me or anyone else I know.  All they would do is create some serious muffin-top and look like an Adam Ant constume.

The Michelin Man’s Wife Has Been Spotted…

Published
by
Mockarena
on July 28, 2008
in Eeeew and Mockery
. 13 Comments

…and it’s obviously a match made in heaven.

Thanks to mockdocker bob for the find, and for the censoring.  ESPECIALLY FOR THE CENSORING. 

I think we should all pause now, to thank everything that’s holy, that the water is distorting her pubicular area.

Amy Winehouse Went Back To The Hospital

Published
by
Mockarena
on July 28, 2008
in Celebrity, Eeeew and Mockery
. 9 Comments

Reports are surfacing that Amy Winehouse is back in the hospital, and I didn’t bother to read why because LOOK AT AMY WINEHOUSE.  Her cheek looks like it’s starting to produce cocaine all by itself.