So I am now in St Louis, on account of business, which as you may recall from a previous post, makes me extremely important. I drove here, and it’s by the sheer grace of God that I actually made it to my hotel, because listen to how my trip went.
First of all, my rental car is a Dodge Avenger. For those of you who own, have owned, ever plan to own, or are fond of Dodges in any way, you may want to skip this paragraph. I happen to be of the opinion that DODGES SUCK ASS. To name a car an Avenger is just silly. It sounds like a comic book car name. And the Avenger that they gave me is WHITE. So it’s like a pure and innocent comic book car. This car, which only had 30k miles on it, SHOOK any time another car passed it in the other lane. It’s like it was scared to be around other cars. Which it probably ought to be, given that other cars probably make fun of its name all the time.
Side note: Shortly before I got to the Illinois border, I passed a TURKEY walking down the shoulder of the highway. The kind with the red gobbly thing on its neck. A TURKEY. It was just moseying down the road, pecking at things, seemingly oblivious to the fact that there were trucks and cars cruising past it at 80mph.
Turkeys are dumb.
Anyway, I made ok time until I saw signs that one of the interstates that I needed to be on was going to be closed at about the place I needed to get on it, and because I am utterly useless in cars without navigation, I took an exit that seemed to indicate it was a detour route, but which was actually a route straight into the hell that is East St Louis. East St Louis looks a lot like the picture above.
So imagine me, in a virginal Avenger, driving aimlessly through drug-infested neighborhoods trying to find anyone who didn’t look like a potential murdering rapist to give me directions. This took awhile, which meant I got more and more lost.
Finally, I found a relatively safe looking BP, and stopped to get directions. There was an older guy filling his tank, looking leeringly at me, as I approached the station. Which, I quickly realized, was one of those box stations where you can’t actually go IN, because the attendant is so scared for his life that the whole thing is just a big cage, and you can only handle gas or snack transactions through a small slot in one of the bullet proof windows. So I go back to the leering older guy and say, “Hi there. Can you please tell me how I might find my way back to 64West?” And do you know what he said to me?
“Sure sweetheart…but I’ll have to take you there myself.”
Yyyyyyyyyyyeah. That clearly wasn’t going to work. Happily, at that precise moment, the caged BP worker emerged from his cage to adjust one of the pumps. I ran to him, tapped him on the shoulder, and found myself face to face with a tall skinny black young man with eyes which pointed in TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. I am not making this up. And it wasn’t like one eye was pointing straight and one was off to the side. They were literally BOTH off to either side. So, I decided the best course of action was to just talk to his nose.
This made the conversation awkward for both of us, I think.
He was, as it turned out, the sweetest boy ever, and he gave me directions which brought me, fortunately, right to my hotel. He even wrote out the directions so there wouldn’t be any confusion. Sooo sweet. He didn’t try to kill me or ANYTHING!!!
Anyway, I’ll be busy with my important business meetings over the next couple days. Am hoping for a less eventful ride back.
Awww Mock, you didn’t wanna go back and see his shack with the cutest little basement adorned with all his cute lil saws and stuff? That’s not very neighborly of you
but we are glad you made it, we would’ve missed you had you decided to “live” with the sweet old man.
My mother has an Avenger. It wasn’t her choice, my Dad works at a Dodge dealership, and when she needed a new car he picked out the best deal. This is what happens when the husband picks out the car without getting the wife’s opinion.
It’s supposed to be a super sleek, super awesome car, and I REFUSE to drive it. It has blind spots I could EASILY lose a semi in. I’ll keep to my cheap, adorable little neon with its normal sized windows, thank y’all very much.
She just likes it because it has a butt warmer on the seats.
Totally sharing your hate of this car.
This is why I carry a gun. You know, to intimidate any Dodge Avengers I’m passing on the highway.
I have a Dodge, and I love it… BUT it’s a full-sized monster of a van. I hate the Avenger, too. And yes, every time I hear the name, the da-da-da-DAAAAA!!! trumpet sounds play in my head. Totally a comic book character car.
Sounds like you had a blast in the midwest, come back soon. HAHAHAHA
One of my boyfriend’s employee’s actually got a gun flashed a him last night for flashing his brights. St. Louis is full of friendly folk.
Oh, Mock, your tale has kicked up PTSD flashbacks from the last time I patronized a BP station. I’m glad your odd-eyed clerk was nice. The one I encountered was looking at me with one eye like he was thinking I might taste good with cornbread and turnip greens, while his other eye was focused on Larry, his brother Darryl and his other brother Darryl across the store. They all looked really, reeeeally hopeful that I was going to say I was lost. I was, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell them that! My self-preservation instincts (which I make a point of listening to, given that the one time I didn’t listen resulted in my being robbed!) were howling at me to get the **** outta there. It creeped me out so badly that I haven’t stopped at a BP for any reason in over a decade! And I don’t creep out easily.
Wow, Didn’t anyone tell you not to get off the freeway on the east side of the Mississippi. White woman in a white Dodge! Now there’s something you don’t see a lot of in East St. Louis.
(Oh No, Roxy will be back now)
Dodges DO suck ass. I will never ever EVER own another Dodge. NEVER.
Mock I love your blog. It’s one of the first sites I visit every morning, because, well, mocking IS one of my favorite activities. You have such a keen eye for the oddities of life.
And while St. Louis has never been one of my favorite cities to drive through…I can’t help but wonder why you didn’t notice how racist your last rant is. Please read again, and reconsider some of your statements, k?
Don’t mean to spark a rant here…and I’m sure thousands of other commenters will…but since Mock is tied up today in work stuff…I must address.
Racist?
Really?
The only MENTION of race was the word “black” which was used to describe a human being with which Mock had a pleasant exchange.
Never getting lost in St. Lou…I had no idea if this was a white or black “bad” part of town. And Mock never indicated such. So. The “racist” slant that YOU chose to give the post is from ideals and perspective that you yourself have made.
Sorry. Couldn’t let that go. Keep reading…just please make your comments make more sense.
Fortunately or unfortunately (I haven’t really figured out which yet) I am obsessed enough with keeping plugged into what’s going on that I have brought my laptop to my important business meeting, and am hiding out in the back row of an auditorium and I am reading this NONSENSICAL ACCUSATION that I am racist?!?!? What in the Freaketing Frack!??!?
Thanks for responding pretty much EXACTLY as I would have, Dame.
I have no idea what the predominant race is in East St Louis. I just know it is a scary looking area which had scary and mean looking people in it OF ALL COLORS. The older guy leering at me? White. The sweet googly eyed guy who came to my rescue? Black. How much any of that had anything to do with my post? NOTHING.
Treeshaker, I think you’re trying to put words in my mouth. Unless of course you’re upset over me calling my white Avenger “virginal” - is that what you meant? If that’s the case, you’re right. If I would have had a black Avenger I would have felt totally BADASS in it.
I guess that must mean I’m racist.
TreeShaker… what statements, Exactly, would you have Mock ‘reconsider’? Cuz I’m as stumped as Dame and Mock when I say “whu??? racist? Where’d that come from?” So perhaps you can tell us. ThanksEverSo.
Mockarena, I do hope you don’t have to wear pantyhose at your meetings! I’d have to quit then and there!
As for the “racist” remarks, I didn’t get that at all from your original post. I think someone felt the need to feel important, as in, “Look at all the posts I caused from my remark!” I was actually waiting for Zed and the Gimp to show up in your post, from your description of the BP!
Dear TreeShaker,
It is with great aplomb that I must address your previous comments. My friend, Mockarena is in no way a racist. As she and I skipped through the park yesterday, arm in arm, calf-muscles firing, she happened to espy a young, brown boy leaning against a tree. As we approached, she simply said, “Hola.” She smiled. We skipped.
As that boy looked up, he blurted out, “My naime is Rhamajaban Ndubipriya. I am Indian.”
Mockarena turned on her heal, causing me to fall down. Her heart broken at her insensitivity, she dropped her head. As her gaze fell to the bright green grass of Stony Falls Park, she saw the lone tail feather of a Canadian goose. She bent down, picked it up, muttered something about socialized health-care, and found the inexplicable, exuberant joy that draws us together.
With that feather in her hand, she walked over to Rhamajaban Ndubipriya and placed that goose feather in his hair. She proudly raised her non-racist hand and with a single tear littering her cheek, shudderingly said, “How.” She then slapped the malt liquor from his hand and handed him a poker chip.
I mean how can this woman, this Modern-day Mother Theresa be considered racist? For that inane belief, Treeshaker, I ask you to check yo’self, before you wreck yo’self.
G’day to you,
Holmes
Holmes@themockdock.com
First, Dodges suck @ss. I had a neon. HAD…HATED. Second, wow, the racist accusations fly around here. This is a mocking sight in which everyone is mocked equally. Portland, Maine is a mostly white city, with a moderately low crime rate, except for drugs. I have driven through neighborhoods after getting lost leaving the civic center only to find myself in a “sketchy zone”. And yes, all WHITE people. Sketchiness has no color boundries nor financial ones. Some people are just that way.
Color has nothing at all to do with scary! My husband and I became totally totally lost somewhere in West Virgina, out in the boondocks somewhere and happened upon a delapitated old gas station. It had a pay phone (obviously this was wayyyy before cell phones, yes I’m old!) and so, my husband walks over to the phone and I notice this youngish WHITE guy walk up behind him with a sharp looking knife, yes a knife…and so being stupid I jumped out of the car and ran over to him to warn him…the guy put the knife down (I think he was actually picking dirt from under his nails, ha) but the 3 or 4 people milling around actually scared the crap out of me. Had nothing to do with color (has anyone ever seen the movie Deliverance by any chance?) Mock was not being racist…
Cracks me up how race always finds it’s way into this blog from no where!LOL