So, how old are you?
34. Sadly, 34. Why do you keep asking me this? I thought you were a good listener. I mean isn’t that a key to being a detective? Look at that Jessica Fletcher. Her ears were enormous.
You laugh a lot. Like too much. It’s weird. I think most people hate you because of how much you laugh. Why can’t you be more like those kids on One Tree Hill. You know. Sullen and pre-occupied with the seriousness of high school. What makes you laugh so much?
I don’t know. The Office, Family Guy. Celebrities crashing and burning. Humans existing in this Eliotian wasteland.
Why haven’t you been writing recently? Are you too good to let all of these friends in? You are a pompous ass. I want to punch you in your dick.
Well…don’t please. I like mine. It has a gentle bend – with a “d”, not like the bear – and I would hate to have it straightened out. I guess I just don’t want my insignificant existence and pathetic rapport with life to bother people. People are on the go. Wherever they are, they have to go. Not only do they want to go, but they want more. There are people in the front rows of shows, concerts, gallery showings texting some friend, who is two blocks away. Like you can’t have one second of free time on your hands?
So, why all the empathy? I thought apathy was always your greatest weapon. You have always been so proud of yourself for not caring. God, you are awful. I really am going to punch you!
Just not in my pecker, please. So, I was talking to a friend of mine this week and she said, “Holmes, remember, no matter how bad it gets, there’s always someone worse off than you.” So, now I’m depressed and worried about this other poor guy.
So, with all this new “love” in your heart, what are you going to do with your life? I mean, if you weren’t being Holmes, what would you be “being”?
Boy, I have no idea. I’d probably be on disability, trying to write screenplays. Anything to avoid this regular nine-to-five job, because I am a horrific employee. I really don’t have anything to add to the nine-to-five workplace, except naps.
But doesn’t this being a general slacker leave you in an arrested state of development?
I could blame my life and all that has happened to me for keeping me in an arrested state of development, but I think it’s really just my tiny, tiny brain. I could go back to being a teacher. I don’t think I’d be any more mature. My focus is mildly mature, but the rest of my mind is about 19 years old.
What do you mean by that?
Let’s just say that the thing I hate most about losing losing my hair is that I’m afraid other people can see my thoughts. And I don’t know who is running the film projector in my head, but he is really immature. And really likes naked women.
You are disgusting. And the answer is “No.”
I know. Do you have any pictures?
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Oh what a wondrous place would the world be with teachers like Holmes…
And oh how thrilling the movie scene with screenplays written by Him!
(and I’m only partially jokin’)
Now excuse me but I gotta put in my nappin’ contribution here @ my cubicle.
So sammie, why don’t you like Holmes?
I don’t know Holmes, so how can I not like him?
Well, you seem to have some sort of beef.
No, not a beef…just more of an observation.
You’ve never seen him, so it must be an observation about his writing.
Yes. It is always about himself.
But he’s a damn good writer.
Yes, he is. I never said he wasn’t. But his subject matter is redundant.
Aren’t all bloggers like that?
A lot, but not all.
Well, if you don’t like his writing, don’t read it.
Good point. It’s not that easy though. He’s intriguing, and like I said, he’s a good writer, so I usually do read his posts. Sometimes I even find myself nodding along at his bizarre musings. I just think he should point his laser-fine gaze outward sometimes.