(Co-written by Mock and Bunny)
When the mighty fall, and not even just fall….but descend into hell multiple staircases at a time, tumbling down down down into a burning abyss of adulterous fire. And by “mighty” we of course mean the lecherous, despicable, $400-haircut-getting DOUCHEBAG known widely for his tearful pleas for the unborn in our courts of law, John Edwards.
THIS IS SO AWESOME. Today, he has finally confirmed what the NATIONAL ENQUIRER (way to go, AP) broke weeks ago - and that is that he cheated on his cancer-stricken wife in 2006. BUT before you start drinking the John Edwards Hatorade, he had a few TOTALLY LEGITIMATE excuses, including but not limited to:
1. He didn’t love the other woman.
2. His wife’s cancer was in remission at the time.
3. The affair didn’t last all that long.
4. He is ONE THOUSAND PERCENT SURE he is NOT the father of her baby, Maury.
AND, he told his wife about the affair. So see? Really, all should be forgiven.
KIDDING! He should get totally, mercilessly dragged through the mud for YEARS for this, and to all of those who supported him as a presidential candidate? Nice. Nice choice. For Pretty Boy’s entire statement, click through the jump. It’s priceless. He says he’s been “stripped bare”, so if we want to beat him up, we should feel free. I think stripping bare was the whole problem to begin with.
STATEMENT OF SENATOR JOHN EDWARDS
August 8, 2008
Chapel Hill, North Carolina
In 2006, I made a serious error in judgment and conducted myself in a way that was disloyal to my family and to my core beliefs. I recognized my mistake and I told my wife that I had a liaison with another woman, and I asked for her forgiveness. Although I was honest in every painful detail with my family, I did not tell the public. When a supermarket tabloid told a version of the story, I used the fact that the story contained many falsities to deny it. But being 99% honest is no longer enough.
I was and am ashamed of my conduct and choices, and I had hoped that it would never become public. With my family, I took responsibility for my actions in 2006 and today I take full responsibility publicly. But that misconduct took place for a short period in 2006. It ended then. I am and have been willing to take any test necessary to establish the fact that I am not the father of any baby, and I am truly hopeful that a test will be done so this fact can be definitively established. I only know that the apparent father has said publicly that he is the father of the baby. I also have not been engaged in any activity of any description that requested, agreed to or supported payments of any kind to the woman or to the apparent father of the baby.
It is inadequate to say to the people who believed in me that I am sorry, as it is inadequate to say to the people who love me that I am sorry. In the course of several campaigns, I started to believe that I was special and became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic. If you want to beat me up – feel free. You cannot beat me up more than I have already beaten up myself. I have been stripped bare and will now work with everything I have to help my family and others who need my help.
I have given a complete interview on this matter and having done so, will have nothing more to say.
It warms my cold dark heart when politicians fall. As Patton Oswald once said, “It sends me leaping off the couch, clapping my dorito-stained forearms together in glee.”
Seriously, who cares? So what. If his wife doesn’t have a problem with it (and since they are still together I presume she got past it) then why should the rest of us? Ho hum.
Tammy, that’s a mighty big assumption — that because they’re still together, she didn’t have a problem with it. I’ve known several couples where the woman was almost destroyed by her husband’s affair, but stayed with the husband because he expressed remorse and the desire to try to repair the damage. There ARE reasons that people stay married through thick and thin other than indifference.
Edwards, however, is engaging in the kind of prevarication that passes for remorse. He denies the affair, but claims that he was 99% honest?! He used the other woman without loving her and claims that as some sort of moral victory? His wife’s cancer was in remission so anything goes?
If he didn’t love the other woman, the affair was over, and he’s not the father of the child, then what was he doing in a hotel room with them just a few weeks ago? Or has he ended the affair since then precisely so he could claim that it’s “in the past”?
What a piece of work. The only thing his argument “proves” is that he’s an arrogant asshole.
As the Divine Miss M said earlier, choosing the next leader of the free world is not really something to mock (to quote you back to you). I don’t like John Edwards and I wouldn’t have voted for him. And his douchetastic response to the whole situation makes him even less likable. Yes, schadenfreude rocks. So, mock him all you like, but I wish you’d leave his supporters out of it. Sorry to be a mock-blocker, but there you have it…
Mockarena, I’m curious. Would you be so gleeful if this had happened to a former Republican presidential candidate?
I am also confused why the people who supported are being castigated? They somehow should have known?
I don’t find this news gloat-worthy. I just think it’s sad.
The fact that he stayed in the race after learning that his wife was suffering a recurrence of her cancer was shameful. What if his wife would have passed away? What would he say to his young children? “Gee, kids, I know we could have spent some wonderful, quality time with Mommy before she left us, but I felt this overwhelming urge to continue a race I was already losing?” That just turned me off completely. Then to learn that he’d been cheating on her, saying, “I’ve already beaten myself up.” Are you kidding me? Just that comment alone shows what a self-centered a-hole he is, and that he just doesn’t get what he put his family through. God bless his long-suffering wife and family. They must have the patience of Job, and are definitely better people than I am. I’d have kicked his butt to the curb after shaving his head in the night.
Sammie - whenever there are republican candidates as douchey and despicable as Edwards who do mockable things, you can bet I will mock them.
I suppose I can’t really mock his supporters for not knowing about the affair, but the fact that anyone supported him to begin with is mockable to me. He is the quintessential rat of a lawyer who clogged up the legal system with frivolous lawsuits for his own monetary gain, and killed every bill he could which would have set caps on what personal injury lawyers could get in settlement fees. He said he’d ask Americans to give up their SUV’s, although he owns a fleet of them. He’s so shady that yes, I have to question why anyone in their right mind would have supported him - affair or not.
Blah blah blah blah blah…
Let’s get to the real issue here:
How much money would you pay to be in the audience of the Maury episode where the baby’s daddy is revealed?
If I was in charge, not only would the baby’s daddy be revealed by Maury, but it would in a “Very Special” episode… LIVE FROM MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.
I want to see Andrew Young, John Edwards, and Rielle Hunter up on stage when Maury says, “In the case of Francis Quinn Hunter… John Edwards… You ARE the father!”
And, I bet you’d have no problem selling out MSG for that event either. If tickets were $100 each, I wouldn’t even flinch. $250 for good seats sounds like a good deal to me. I can’t even imagine how much tickets would go for on eBay. But, I’d be there. I can even see John Edwards running off the stage now…
I would totally pay for a Pay-per-View show of this event. I want to hear him screaming and crying like a girl!
Ooooh… I totally forgot the PPV angle.
Seriously, why is nobody proposing this? They’d make ZILLIONS!!!!
I can totally see the ad for it - ON THE NEXT MAURY, and then the teaser being Maury saying, “John,” and then cutting directly to where he runs off stage to the green room crying. Then I can hear the baby momma saying, “You got me no milk for that baby, no Pampers, no child support! I had to prostitute myself to pay for that baby!” You get the idea.