I love that in the past 24 hours, I’ve received URGENT MESSAGES from mockdockers who have alerted me about two mockworthy photos. I love that there are actually people out there who see a photo, like the one of Cristina Skankulera above, and think, “You know who needs to know about this IMMEDIATELY?? Mockarena. That’s who.” I LOVE THAT. Now granted, it puts ALL SORTS OF PRESSURE on me to come up with something witty and creative, but it’s the kind of pressure that I like. The kind where I say, “Oh yeah, Pressure? You think you can get to me? You wanna take this outside?” And I go outside, and realize it’s far too humid out to have a fight with an invisible force, and I end up back here at my desk, writing snark about Skankulera’s breastular area.
Because LOOK at it, you guys. Look at the veritable VALLEY that exists between her boobs. I mean, there’s no question these were bolted on, but she can afford more realistic bolt-ons. This is unacceptable. And she’s a MOTHER for crying out loud. Wouldn’t it behoove her to wear a dress she can actually sit down in?
Anyway. I told you that there were TWO photos I’ve been presented with. The one below is the 2nd.
Some completely adorable mockdocker saw this landbeast in her local Wal-mart and took it upon herself to take a photo. FOR US. She thought, “Oooo - this is JUST the kind of thing that those crazy mockdockers like to write about” and she whipped out her camera, took this photo, and sent it on to us. This is the kind of dedication we are looking for out of our audience. Step it up, people.
KIDDING! You can just passively read - that’s fine too. We’re just happy you like us. You really really like us!!!
I have to get a camera phone. Spotted male landbeast leaving a Tim Horton’s the other day, face full of powdered sugar, jelly oozing down his hand, while trying to make an illegal left turn onto a crowded Route 1.
Gotta love the landbeast…here in NYC we just call them by their real name - New Jerseyites (I keed, I keed).
Hmmm… by midwest standards, I wouldn’t call her a landbeast. She’s pretty normal lookin’! Maybe a mini landbeast???
Anyway… I still have that photo on my phone but haven’t had time to get down to my cellular phone company’s local store. boo hoo
My cell phone displays a small image of what you are shooting on the outside of the phone. If you are paying attention, the person who’s photo is being taken can see themselves in my phone!! I cover up the small screen with my hand so they don’t see me taking their photo.
Okay, it took me awhile to read the post, because I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the breastular area. Why would she want to show that off? I’d be running for cover.
Maybe it’s the new style? I mean, it’s not like Xtina is the only woman with Grand Canyon Boobs Boobs Boobs.
This woman was spotted in a Wal*Mart? Shocker! Mockarena, you could spend an hour in any Wal*Mart in the country snapping photos and have enough ammo to keep this blog stocked for a year.
Wal*Mart scares me. I look around at the people and think “Jesus! Where do these people come from?”…and then I realize - I AM AMONG THEM! IN A WAL*MART! DOES THIS MAKE ME ONE OF THEM?! And it usually keeps me out of there for awhile. Or at least until I need to get photos developed.
OK. While I’m thinking about Wal*Mart shoppers, I’ll share a bit more.
One day, I walk in there and there are two young girls (no more than 20 years old and not more than a dozen teeth between them) pushing a FILTHY newborn in a shopping cart. Suddenly, they spot the rack of Git R Done boxers and go ape ****. They can’t get over there fast enough.
I start to feel all dirty just being in this place, so I’m trying to take care of business and get out…but it seems like everywhere I turn, I’m surrounded by folks sporting extra chromosomes.
Finally, I’m at the check out and this elderly woman walks by. She’s white, but she’s got the little old lady afro-perm going on, the most narrow, pointy nose I’ve ever seen, NO CHIN WHATSOEVER, and, I swear to God, as she walks she’s moving her head forward and back just like a chicken!
Where do these people come from? What have they been exposed to? I could not get out of there fast enough for fear of contamination. That would be the ultimate Hell for me - to spend all of eternity trapped in “Wally World”.
And why the heck did it make me Anonymous this time? Is your blog haunted by the ghost of Sam Walton?
Probably.
I can’t step foot in a Wal-mart anymore. Holmes has sworn off of it too. It’s just VILE.
I agree with Jennifer (I think that’s who posted it) — the woman in the picture isn’t up to Landbeast standards. Fat, yes, obese, yes, but not Landbeast.
I’m happy to say that I’ve been to Wal-Mart only twice in my life. I have no desire at all to go again. Not only because of the customers — I just don’t like the store.
Anytime I shop there (which isn’t often since we don’t have a Wal-Mart here in NYC), my mother ultimate accuses me of buying bullets for the Chinese army…
It’s interesting, the Wal-Mart we have in my tiny town is about the only store to do any shopping in period, even for groceries. But the people I see there aren’t as crazy as they could be according to these other places. Interesting people definitely do frequent there, but they also frequent a lot of other stores as well. Keep up the good mocking.
Yeah, in my tiny town, where it takes all of 17 minutes to get from one end to the other (unless you’re out in BFE), we have two of the monstrosities and only one semi-good Target where you can get some grocery shopping done. Our mall is dying.
I refuse to go in the back of the store if I do make a trip, because my forearm was covered in someone else’s urine while trying to pick up a piece of bulky merchandise. When I reported it to the nearest ’sales associate,’ she literally gave me the “I don’t know what you’re talking about…” blank stare and just pointed in the vicinity of the bathroom like I was the one that took the leak.
I wish Target were open 24 hours…
OK, back to topic. Isn’t this the second or third person you’ve found with a canyon growing down her sternum? I think this creature and Tori Spelling are neck and neck for the most spacious one though…
Man a few weeks ago we stopped into Wal*Mart to see if they had a cheap kitty litter pan for our new kittens. At the check out counter as we were leaving empty handed there was a woman, no less then 400 lbs, checking out in what appeared to be a cut off tank-top with a black button down shirt tied up like you used to do when you were a kid trying to be sexy and short shorts that covered neither thighs nor hind. I couldn’t stop laughing and wished for my phone while trying to discreetly point her out to my hubby. Anyways we went to the grocery store in the same plaza to do some shopping and who do I see in the ice cream isle? Same horribly underdressed woman, I had to duck into the next isle to keep my sanity. Anyways we wait 5 minutes and then proceed to get ice cream and the store clerks near us as stocking shelves and talking into their walkie talkies about the massive landbeast and what isle she is in so other employees can get an eye full. Priceless.