You know what we need? We need a post created specifically for good old fashioned punch-line jokes. I’m going to tell you guys the joke my sister Bunny sent me today. And then you guys need to tell me your favorites in the comments too. Ok? So here’s mine:
An elderly couple were eating lunch at a crowded diner. The old man leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had relations of a sexual nature together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you. Do you remember that?”
“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it again for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’ his wife replied.
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he decides he’s got to see for himself how this elderly couple manages to relive their youthful escapade. Plus, he wants to make sure to keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by canes. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
They erupt into the most furious relations of a sexual nature that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He feels like he’s just witnessed the secret to a long lasting relationship first hand, and decides he’s got to ask them for their secret. He waits for the couple to compose themselves, struggle up to their feet, and get dressed. As the couple passes he says, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You two must’ve had an amazing love life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, “Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
LOVE.
Your turn!!!
A pirate walks into a bar with his steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender says, “Hey, you have a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper!” And the pirate says, “AAARRGH, and it’s driving me nuts.” (You have to do a pirate voice when you tell it.)
Olivia, they actually used that as a super fast blackout skit, in Robot Chicken (the t.v. progr.)
A trucker pulls into an all-night truck stop after driving for many, many hours. He drops into the booth and the waitress says, “you look terrible. What can I get you?”
The trucker says, “Well, I feel terrible. But a bowl of chili and a kind word would fix me right up.”
A while later she brings him his chili and starts to walk away. “Wait,” the trucker says, “what about the kind word?”
The waitress turns and looks at him. “Don’t eat the chili.”
A woman goes to the pharmacy and tells the pharmacist, “I need arsenic.”
“Why?” he asks.
“To kill my husband. He’s having an affair.”
The pharmacist shakes his head and sighs, then says, “I’m sorry about your husband, but I can’t give you arsenic to kill him.”
So the woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a photograph of her husband with the pharmacist’s wife and slides it across the counter to him.
He looks at the photo and says, “Oh, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”
What do you call a Latina with no legs?
Consuelo
You guys are going to hate me for this, but I truly think it’s the funniest joke ever. I tell it to my students on the last day of school every year, and they always leave speechless (I, on the other hand, can barely get the joke out without erupting in laughter — but I have a really warped sense of humor).
Okay, here goes…
So, a man lives alone with his son. The mother is dead, gone, who cares. Anyway, so the man lives alone with his young son — the light of his life. His son starts school and eventually graduates from kindergarten. He was a great kindergarten student. All the kids and teachers like him, he could write his name, and color in between the lines. His dad said to him, “Son, I am just so proud of you. You are the best kindergarten student ever. Whatever you want, I’m going to buy you.” The son turns to his dad, looks up at him with his big brown eyes and says, “Dad, I don’t really want a lot, just a pink ping pong ball.” So, the dad thinks that a single ping pong ball, pink no less, is a little weird, but he did say he could have whatever he wanted, so he goes to the toy store and buys one pink ping pong ball.
Well, time progresses, and the boy graduates from junior high. He was a great junior high student. He was very popular, took higher level classes, could play multiple instruments, and on and on. Just a great kid. His dad said to him, “Son, I am just so proud of you. You are the best junior high student ever. Whatever you want, I’m going to buy you.” The son turns to his dad, looks up at him with his big brown eyes and says, “Dad, I don’t really want a lot, just 10 pink ping pong balls.” So, again the dad is mystified and thinks it is a little weird, but he did say he could have whatever he wanted, so he goes to the toy store and buys ten pink ping pong balls.
Again the years move on and the boy graduates from high school. He was still a great student — captain of the basketball team, voted most likely to succeed, etc. His dad said to him, “Son, I am just so proud of you. You are the best high school graduate ever. Whatever you want, I’m going to buy you.” The son turns to his dad, looks at him with his big brown eyes and says, “Dad, I really just want 100 pink ping pong balls.” At this point the dad really, really wants to ask what’s up with all the pink ping pong balls, but he did say that he could have whatever he wanted, so he goes to the toy store and buys 100 pink ping pong balls.
Several more years go by and the son graduates from college — again top of his class, well-liked, and so on. His dad says to him, “Son I am SO proud of you. You’ve made it this far; whatever you want is yours.” The son turns to his dad and says, “Dad, I just want 1,000 pink ping pong balls.” Now, the dad is pretty experienced with pink ping pong balls and figures this is going to continue, so he buys some shares in a pink ping pong ball factory and promptly orders 1,000 pink ping pong balls for his son.
Years later, the son is doing really well and has moved across the country for his job. He has bought a house and is getting married, so he flies back home to pick up his dad and fly him back to see his new house and meet his soon-to-be-bride. As they’re in the air, flying across the country (probably over Kansas or Nebraska — one of the square states), the dad turns to the son with pleading eyes and says, “Son, I have always supported you, and I am so proud of you. But you see, I’m getting on in years, and I won’t be here forever. Before I pass on, I’d really like to ask you a question that I’ve been dwelling on for decades.” He takes a deep breath and continues, “Son, why did you want all of those pink ping pong balls?” The son smiles, looks at his dad, and says, “Well, Dad…” Then the plane crashed.
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their
teacher. The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The
teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Is
it wine?” she guessed.
“No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, “Champagne?.
“No,” said the little boy.. “It’s a puppy!”
I have a couple corny jokes, but they crack me up every single time I say them.
What’s green and smells like paint?
Green paint.
Person 1: Knock, knock
Person 2: Who’s there?
Person 1: Interrupting cow.
Person 2: Interru—- <–you have to interrupt before they get their response out
Person 1: MOOOOOOOO!
Courtney Love walks into a bar with a duck under her arm,
Bartender says, Where did you get the pig
She said it’s not a pig, it’s a duck
Bartender say’s, I was talking to the duck.
An old couple is sitting on their porch swing, rocking back and forth. Pretty soon, the wife hauls off and slaps her husband.
“What was that for?” he asks.
“Fifty years of bad sex,” she growls.
So they continue rocking and pretty soon he hauls off and slaps her.
“What was that for?” she asks.
“For knowing the difference.”
Three elderly ladies were sitting on a park bench one afternoon. Suddenly, a flasher came and showed them his bits.
The first old lady immediately had a stroke.
The second old lady, well, she also had a stroke.
The third old lady couldn’t reach.
A German, a Frenchman, and a Jew were lost in the desert. Upon being found, they were asked if they wanted anything to drink.
The German said “Ach! I am German! I am thirsty! I want a beer!”
The Frenchman said “Ooh la la, I am french! I am thirsty! I want some wine!”
The Jew said “I’m thirsty! And schvitzing! I must have diabetes!”
Two guys walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.
For the fellow music geeks:
A C, an Eb, and a G walk into a bar together.
The bartender says, “Hey! We don’t serve minors here.”
So…
The Eb left, and the C & G had a fifth between them.
A young teacher is trying to help the captain of the football team graduate by offering to tutor him after school. She says to him, “let’s work on a story problem. Three birds are sitting on a branch. You throw a rock and hit one of the birds. How many are left?” He answers her with, “None, the other birds are going to fly away when you throw the rock.” She said, “I like your reasoning.”
He turns to her and says to her, “Three women are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is slowly licking the ice cream, one is just holding the cone in her hand and one eats it in one gulp. Which one is married?” The teacher blushes and says “I suppose the one licking the cone.” He looks at her and says “Nope, the one wearing the wedding ring but I like the way you think!”
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?’ asked John.
‘Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,’ said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
‘Son,’ said John, ‘this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.’
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.’ said Tommy.
“What did you watch?’ asked Marsha.
‘The Ten Commandments.’ answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, ‘I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.’
‘I am ashamed of you son,’ said John. ‘When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.’
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, ‘Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!’
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her right off her chair.
A guy shows up for work on Monday morning with a huge black eye. Coworkers ask him what happened. He replies, “I was sitting in church Sunday, behind this huge fat lady, and we stood up to sing and I noticed that her dress was going up the crack of her butt. So I pulled it out, and she hit me!” They all tell him they’re sorry, and head to their offices.
The next Monday the guy shows up for work with two black eyes and all of his coworkers start asking him what happened that left him with two black eyes. He replies, “Well, it’s kind of like last Sunday. I was sitting in church behind the same fat lady and we stood up to sing and once again her skirt was going up the crack of her butt. Well, the guy NEXT to me noticed it too and he reached over and pulled it out. But I knew she wouldn’t like that so I stuffed it back up.”
Forgive me, but these are my favorites!!!
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
He didn’t have no body to go with!
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts!
And last but not least, my husband and his best friend’s favorite joke….
What’s black, white and red and won’t fit through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear thru her head….
I know, I’m sorry. Really sorry.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’ she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?
He replied: ‘It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken!’
A young boy was given a chemistry set by his grandfather. He wanted to show his grandpa what he could do with it. “Watch this!” he said & he put a few drops of a mysterious blue liquid on an earthworm. Boing! Immediately the worm became so stiff that he could hammer it into the ground. His grandpa was suitably impressed. He said, “Timmy, I’d like to test that blue stuff out for myself. If it works out like I hope, I’ll leave a $20 bill under your breakfast plate tomorrow morning.”
The next morning when Timmy sat down to breakfast, he found TWO twenties under his plate. He said, “Grandpa, why are there two twenties here?” Grandad replied, “The second one is from your grandma!”
A little boy lives with his single mother. She hasn’t had a date in quite awhile and is quite “lonely”. One night, the little boy can’t sleep, so he goes to his Mom’s room and opens the door and he sees her, um, handling her own business and moaning, “I need a man. I NEED a man!” He quietly closes the door and goes back to bed. The next night, the same thing happens again. “I need a man!”, and the whole handling of her own business. The next night, the little boy thinks he hears his mother again, so he goes to her door and opens it, and *gasp*! there’s a man in bed with her! He closes the door quietly, runs back to his room and jumps into bed. He then starts handling his own business and moaning, “I need a bike! I NEED a bike!”
If this is one one the many websites being monitored by the government security agencies, I’m fairly certain that they now have an open file on Rachel.
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, ‘Lord, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the ‘beginning’.’
‘Oh, is that so? Tell me…’ replies God.
‘Well’, says the scientist, ‘we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.’
‘Well, that’s interesting Show Me.’
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
‘Oh no, no, no…’ interrupts God,
‘Get your own dirt.’
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in your pool? Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch? Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging out on your wall? Art
What do you call a girl with only one arm and one leg? Illene
Did you hear about the guy that lost both his left leg and left arm?
He was all right.
heehhee
ok just one more…
this is my favorite joke. of.all.time
Why do elephants paint thier toenails all different colors?!
To hide in jelly bean bowl of course!!!
Have you ever SEEN an elephant in a jelly bean bowl?! No?!
Works pretty good, don’t it!!
ah..this post just made my day!
oh i gottanother one…
two woman sitting on a bench, one of them looks exhausted and her friend tells her “Honey, you look worn out, what in the world did you do last night?!
so the other woman blushes and tells her, “well…my husband come home with a dozen roses, so you know, I spent all night with my legs in the air!”
The other woman looks at her appalled and says
“good Lord, Dont you own a vase?!”
Here’s one of my corny dad’s favorites:
Did you hear about the hole in the wall leading into the girl’s bathroom?
The police are looking into it!
what brand of shirts did General Custer wear?
Arrow!
My daughter’s favorite:
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you berry much.
Mikey, I agree, but I also feel a little stupid, because I didn’t get her joke at all…
see! this is why i love the mockdock!
everyone is so great.
i wish i had a joke.
A group of squirrels overran a town. They went into the Methodist church and wreaked all sorts of havoc. The church leaders got together and said, “We cannot harm these creatures, but we should trap them and release them far from our church.” Everyone agreed this was a good idea, but soon the squirrels were back.
There were also squirrels overruning a Catholic church. The priest and his parishioners got together and decided that the only way to really deal with them was to invite them to join the Church and register as parishioners.
Now the squirrels only come back at Christmas and Easter.
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. ‘THAT WAS MY PAGER,’ SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, ‘THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.’
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID………WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT….I’M GETTING A FAX!!
One day, a blonde came home early from work to find her beloved husband engaging in activitys of a sexual nature with her best friend of five years….she was understandably upset. She ran, crying, to the closet, and got the gun he had bought for their protection. She went back into the room, where her husband stood, alone, as her friend had smartly fled the scene.
She couldn’t understand why he had done this to her, so, in her greif, placed the gun against her own temple, and prepared to pull the trigger. Her husband shouted at the last second,”NO! DON’T DO IT! I love you, baby, I don’t know what came over me! Don’t kill yourself!”
She looked him dead in the eye and replied “Don’t waste your breath, you sh**, you’re next!”
*BANG*
Another one;
Another blonde walks in on her boyfriend cheating, but instead of shooting herself, she shoots him 6 times in the head…but he is undamaged.
How did he survive?
…She used a price gun.
number three;
A couple of muffins are put into an oven, one says to the other, “DAMN! We’re screwed!”
To this, the other replies,”AHHH! A talking muffin!”
An Irishman, a Scot, and a Brit walk into a bar and each orders a drink. As the bartender puts their drinks down, a fly lands in each one.
The Brit pushed his drink away, offended.
The Scot simply plucks the fly out, tosses it aside, and downs his brew.
The Irishman angrily grabs the fly and starts shaking it violently over his glass, shouting, “Spit it out or I’ll end you, ya wee bast*rd!”
Hahaha what fun! Why has nobody thought of this before?