The Mock Dock

I think if you’re going to create a platform shoe that houses a gameboy AND a little toy creature, then you might as well just create a whole line of functionally purposeful shoes.  For example, what about shoes that hold an iPhone or a calculator or a box of cracker jacks? 

If someone creates a pair of shoes that can somehow store a slice of pizza and a donut in them, I will totally buy them.

OK Magazine has an article which describes the feuding going on between Brooke Hogan and her mother, and you guys, it’s getting sooooo ridiculously juicy.

Apparently, ever since Brooke’s mom started dating a guy that is YOUNGER THAN BROOKE, they haven’t really been on the best of terms.  And the relationship has soured even further recently, as Brooke has accused her mother of using drugs.

So naturally, Linda Hogan did what any other reasonable mom who’s dating a dude younger than her daughter would do:  she fired off a letter to Perez Hilton to respond to her daughter publicly.  In the letter, Linda says, essentially, “Oh yeah?? Well Brooke has breast implants!!!”  As if this was going to shock ANYONE.

But it gets better.  The letter also said this:  “[If] Brooke continues to spew lies on behalf of her father’s lame attempt to distance himself from the reality that he is no different from the homicidal OJ Simpson, [Linda's new boyfriend] will be forced to put aside his paramedic/firefighting career path and release an album called ‘Redemption’ which will easily surpass any of Brooke’s records sales.”

Do you realize what’s happening here?  Linda Hogan is threatening to have her boyfriend release an album which is better than Brooke’s, instead of becoming a firefighter.  And she’s using this threat as a way to respond to an accusation that she’s on drugs.  You know, I didn’t think Linda Hogan was a drug user UNTIL I saw that threat.  So I think that kind of backfired on her.

Anyway, Linda’s got no prayer of ever salvaging a relationship with Brooke, because Brooke and her dad are reeeeeeeeally close.  Really, inappropriately close.

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me a link to a story about a recent Elle photo shoot that Britney Spears did. Apparently, she was dressed in all sorts of fabulous and expensive couture clothing, which she proceeded to ruin because she “forgot what time of the month it was.” You may recall that this isn’t the first time Britney has forgotten that women, including herself, have periods.

I think I can safely speak for all of us when I say, “eeew.”

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me this video, and you guys, I have obviously found my new favorite goat.

I’ve been looking around for a favorite goat for a long time, and this one is definitely it.

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me this video of some dude who is probably the closest thing to a primate that I have ever seen. And not because he LOOKS like a monkey, but because he could probably outswing one in a jungle any day of the week.

Watching him has left me completely out of breath and tired. You?

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me an article about a cat who’s sprouting wings.  WINGS.  It’s a Chinese kitty, which means eventually those wings might be extra crispy and served up with some special sauce, but for now, this kitty is enjoying some extra attention being thrown its way.  

This cat was born looking like a plain ole regular kitty cat, but after he turned one, he started growing wings on either side of his spine.  There is some speculation that the cat’s mother may have ingested some weird chemicals during pregnancy, resulting in this bizarre growth. 

I wasn’t even aware there was a cat drug problem in China.

I know this will come as a shock to many of you, but that frightening monster on the right side of the picture is a woman who has had a lot of plastic surgery.

I know.  I was surprised too.

According to this, Margaret King is just 49 years old, but has spent around 70k on cosmetic surgery.  And whatever, right?  I mean, if she wants to spend a ridiculous amount of money on plastic surgery to turn herself into something barely resembling a human, that’s her prerogative.  But here’s the thing.  The girl on the left?  That’s her daughter.  Who just turned 18.  And her mother’s birthday gift to her?  BOTOX for all the horrific wrinkles plaguing her forehead.

I kid you not. Margaret didn’t like the way that her daughter Jodie “gets pronounced lines when she makes facial expressions.”

So now, Jodie has become a bit of an addict herself, and has already spent $1500 on Botox injections.  Margaret thinks this is swell, and wants to buy Jodie a nose job for her 21st birthday.  She’s already gotten her a consultation for a boob job too.  

Jodie says, “My mum’s always looked so glamorous and she uses cosmetic surgery and botox to keep her looking young.  I plan to follow in her footsteps. So what if I’m a teenage botox addict?  I can’t think of anything worse than looking old.  I’ll always find a way to pay for botox.  Now that I’ve started I can’t stop. ”

How completely fracked up is that, you guys? ”Glamorous” is probably on the list of the very last words in the entire English language that I would use to describe Margaret’s appearance.  “Grotesque” and “mutant-like” would rank in the top ten.

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me this video and omg what in the holy hell IS this creature?

It’s like someone took a chipmunk, removed its entire body from its head, and then put the head on top of a baby chicken’s legs.

I don’t know whether to be creeped out or to immediately ask Mr. Mock to buy me one.

I love this so much. Apparently a few weeks ago, Katharine McPhee, who you may remember from a million years ago I have a huuuuuuge crush on, was being harassed by some loser paparazzi from TMZ, and some random old black woman came out of nowhere to rescue her and fight off the paps. And now, Kat and that precious woman have gotten together to make this video.

I totally hope that woman is being handsomely paid for this. It’s always fun when someone random person who just did a nice thing for someone gets a windfall. Plus – she obviously has a great sense of humor. If I were a famous person I would totally hire her.

LOVE.

So, I get here to work this morning, and as I’m walking into my office my CFO tells me, “Nothing is working.  Power outage.  No email.  No internet.  Nothing.”

But see, I have one of those handy dandy aircards, which means I CAN, indeed, access the internet even when the wireless network thingy at work isn’t working.  I can’t get email, but I can still, you know, mock stuff.  

And here’s the thing.  There weren’t really any strong storms here last night.  There were a couple of mild-mannered thunder/lightening strikes, and some light rain, and that’s really about it.  So what I am having trouble understanding is how, when we have technology to send people into space and make advanced weaponry and create a fully functional computer the size of my pinky nail,  we can’t figure out a way to have an entire company network system restart correctly after a brief power outage.  

I’m wondering, now, if this all means that it’s going to be a crappy day.  Although, I suppose it could be worse.  I could have woken up this morning and seen this outside my window:

I don’t think there’d be any clearer evidence that God is advising you to just not even bother with getting out of bed than this.