Mr. Mock and I went out to dinner tonight, and shortly after we were seated, we watched a couple walk in who really caught our attention. The man was probably close to 60, distinguished looking, silver-haired, and smiling broadly, because the GIRL who was with him was probably around 25, and dressed like the biggest ho-bag on the planet.
She had that bleached blonde hair that’s the kind of blonde which does not exist in the natural world, and can only be created with man-made products. You know what I’m talking about. Like – if it was on a shelf of colors at the Rite-Aid, it would be called Wild Skank or something similar. This chick was wearing the shortest dress you could wear and still use the term “dress” to describe it. And it was strapless and strappy, all at the same time. And it’s WINTER here, you guys. I was sitting there in a sweater and long sleeved shirt with a scarf around my neck, and I shivered every time the door opened. And she was basically naked. It could not have been less appropriate, unless she was wearing shoes that had mice in them (see post below). Actually, the shoes she had on were short boots with 6 inch stiletto heels, and you could smell her perfume from across the room. Mr. Mock wrinkled his nose at it, and said, “Smells like stripper.”
I opted not to ask him how he knew that. 
Anyway, they were seated near enough to us that we snuck a few glances at them from time to time, and they were most DEFINITELY a couple. There were a lot of hands under the table moments and leery smiles. It was positively disgusting, but it didn’t make me lose my appetite for my seafood tortellini, and it gave me and Mr. Mock something to giggle about.
After dinner, as we were leaving, I told Mr. Mock that I wished I’d have gotten a picture of her for you all, and he said I probably couldn’t have gotten one discreetly, and then he reminded me about HIS discreet photo taking moment from a few months ago, which I TOTALLY FORGOT about until now.
So, you guys know Mr. Mock travels quite a bit. And not long ago, as he boarded his flight and headed to his aisle seat, he noticed that the person in the MIDDLE seat, was a huuuuuuge landbeast. And as he approached his seat, trying to figure out how in the world he’d be able to fit in it considering that the landbeast was taking up a good portion of it, she beamed at him and said, “Yup! You get to sit next to the fat chick!” And since she was so happy and nice about it, Mr. Mock couldn’t help but be nice back, and said, “No problem!”
Anyway, Mr. Mock tried to go for the retractable armrest, but realized that there was absolutely no way it would come down, considering that it was covered by huge heaping piles of back fat. So he resigned himself to his fate, and even as her slick and sweaty skin came in DIRECT CONTACT WITH HIS, he still had the presence of mind to sneak some photos of her on his iphone. I have blurred out her face, because honestly, who cares?
Enjoy:
Not that there aren’t landbeasts in other countries, but
I think the US of A is doomed.
You look at the number of fat kids out there and you really wonder
about our future.
thats awesome
I heart Mr. Mock for taking that pic! I’m impressed with his skilz.
My cell phone is full of pictures of people that have no idea I’m taking them. One way to do it is to act like you are showing Mr. Mock a picture that you took of Mini Mock and then snap away (just make sure your flash is off!) Bless my boyfriend’s heart for getting in the long line at Target the other day, just so I could get a picture of the lady in soccer shorts and furry boots.
Are you sure you blurred the picture or is that what she looked like after Mr Mock was done punching her out. Doesn’t sound like his frequent flyer program is too good either if he is getting stuck like that. When I did a lot of flying, I was almost always upgraded to 1st class and on the planes that didn’t have it I got 1st row or exit row and guaranteed no middle seat ever.
I used to ride the train in WDC and hated the summertime when the train would break down and people were all sweaty and stinky and the fat smokers always wanted to sit their fat butts next to me with their sweaty stinky skin touching me! Makes me grimace just thinking about it.
At least she was pleasant!
Maybe the guy hired a hooker to accompany him to dinner and “dessert.”
I aadmit to stalking and trying to take pictures of people at my local grocery store for you…. but I fail miserablly at being stealthy. I am subtle like a herd of elephants. I have great admiration for your husband!
For the first time ever, I am disappointed- I thought , for sure, Mr. Mock had taken a picture of the couple in the restaurant! Your descriptive skills ARE remarkable, but as the say ‘a picture is worth ….’ Tsk tsk, tsk! Don’t worry, I still love you!
I really don’t like it when fat chicks push me when I’m on the train
I don’t know why, but they are usually very rude and they never even bother saying ‘Excuse me’. Oh, no…instead, they run you over like a tractor.
And yes, they generally smell too, but fat guys are worse that way.
I don’t have anything against fat people, though… I swear.
You know, the way her face is blurred makes her look JUST like the woman who got her face eaten by the chimp.
I thought the same thing, Johnny C! THis is just further evidence of my total incapability of using any photo editing software. I just can’t do it.
You did great. I bet most people couldn’t achieve the “eaten by chimp” effect if they tried!
Man, I wish I could see a picture of that couple! However, I am not remotely stealthy. When it comes to my boyfriend attempting to mock someone I’m usually ‘Huh, what’ all loud and stuff cause he mumbles and I have a hard time understanding him. Or I just am not covert when I’m attempting to look at them. Also–not so stealthy with the camera phone either. Will say, bf’s dad was in taking a picture of my boobs. Well sort of stealthy cause I kind of caught him and pretended to ignore it.
I really hope that when I do fly I won’t be stuck in that situation. I would be so mad! Especially if they were funky–I’d literally get sick. I can’t handle very strong smells at all.