The Mock Dock

Lindsay Lohan appears to have a run in her hosiery, and I understand that nail polish serves as a quick fix.

This isn’t a new fashion trend, is it?  Is Lindsay Lohan going to start selling completely demolished hosiery as part of her leggings line?  Because I could be her top designer for that particular line.  I’m an expert at running hose.

Breathing Update:  I still can’t.  FYI.

I went to work today, even though I couldn’t breathe and felt like the biggest pile of dog poo ever.  I must have looked awful, because several people stopped by to comment on how sick I looked.  One co-worker went so far as to say, “Are you really high on medication right now?  You look really spaced out.”

Grrreeeeat.

So after work, I decided, at the advice of my mom (because moms always know best) to try the CVS Minute Clinic.  I got there at 6.30pm, which was perfect because it closed at 7.  I signed in to this little kiosk thingy, and then this perfectly adorable NP came out of teeny tiny room and said, “Come on in.”  And I wanted to weep, I was so happy to see someone in a white coat.

It turns out I have an “acute upper respiratory infection.”  In layman’s terms, I have a wicked ass cold.  She prescribed me some flonase because my nose is basically sealed shut with gunk.  And then she said I needed Mucinex and either a Nettie pot or the easier substitute – the Neilmed.  It’s basically a squirt bottle that you put some warm water and a packet of salty stuff into, and then you lean over the sink and squirt it into one nostril and then repeat on the other side.

I thought this sounded simple enough.

I got home and read the instructions, which clearly stated in several places that you were NOT TO SWALLOW the solution.  I thought, “how hard can that be?”

I leaned over the sink, started squirting, and immediately decided that this was what waterboarding must feel like.  It was all rushing down my throat, and I was swallowing some and sputtering some and basically having the worst possible time ever.  That was n-n-n-n-nasty.

But then I tried adjusting my position a little, tilting my head to the side a bit, and the solution started coming out the other side of my nose, like it was supposed to.  And after I was all done, I could breathe for like five whole minutes.

I’m back to not being able to breathe, but the sweet NP said it could take several rinses (at a maximum of 3 a day) before it really starts to clear me out.  That and the Mucinex should pretty much have my nose running like a faucet before long.  And I CANNOT WAIT.

I almost wish I would have had Mr. Mock capture the whole Neilmed thing on video, because I’m sure it was hilarious.  But I didn’t.  So you’re just going to have to imagine it.  I think I’ll be lots better at it tomorrow morning.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been up to.  Off to hunt for mockworthy stuff!

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me this photo, of her neighbor’s decorated cactus.  Her neighbor is officially either the most oblivious person ever, or someone I would like to be friends with immediately.

…comes this Sunday afternoon gift for you.

Happy Sunday!

Eva Longoria and her husband Tony Parker remade Summer Nights, from the movie Grease, which starred the infinitely more talented Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta. I don’t know why they did it – I just know they did it. And it’s every bit as stupid as you might expect, and you’ll wish you hadn’t watched it after it’s done.

Enjoy.

…that I realized how painfully uncoordinated Mini-Mock is. Holy crap. This little tike is amazing!

I don’t think I’ve told you guys that Junior Mock is having surgery again! This time, it’s not cutting any bone, which automatically means that it’s not quite as horrific, but it’s surgery and cutting nonetheless, which means it’ll suck.

On the 7th, he’ll be having his hamstrings cut (right behind his knees) and his hip adductors snipped as well. He’s unable to straighten his legs because of how impossibly tight those muscles are. This will be a permanent fix, so he’ll no longer have botox injections in his legs. During the surgery, they WILL put botox in his armpits and inner elbows, because those appear to be the new spots that his spasticity is really out of control. It’s become hard to get shirts on and off of him because of it, so hopefully this will provide some relief. For all of us. Despite how serious all that sounds, he will only have to stay in the hospital overnight!

Here’s a pic of him taken on Christmas eve. Isn’t he like, the most handsome almost 13-year old you’ve ever seen?

And now, for the TMI part. On the 18th, I’m getting my uterus taken out!!! Recovery is going to suck – because even though it’s laparascopic there are three incisions involved. Listen how cool this is – they put a camera into the incision near my belly button, and then they slice a line on either side my pelvis near where my uterus is. And in one slice goes a vacuum thingy, and in the other slice goes like a microscopic machete – which goes in and cuts my uterus away from the ovaries and cervix, and then chops it up in a million pieces so that the vacuum thingy can suck it out. HOW COOL IS THAT???

Apparently, I have fibroids, and so my doc said I should just have the whole thing taken out. Which I am TOTALLY cool with, since it means I will never have periods ever ever ever again. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

There is a guy I work with who is completely freaked out by any HINT of talk of female reproductive organs. I mean, he just wigs out. So you can imagine my glee at informing him about my upcoming surgery. Every time I see him, I try to think of ways I can talk about it. If he says something about the weather, for example, I say, “Yeah – it’s crappy out. Hopefully it won’t be crappy when I HAVE MY UTERUS REMOVED.” And he just shudders and runs away. I love this.

Anyway, it’s going to be a very surgical January. I shall keep you apprised of how it all turns out, since I know it’ll be ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT.

Hope you guys all had a great Christmas. Or at least one better than Charlie Sheen, who was apparently arrested for domestic abuse against his wife, Brooke, who just birthed their twin children back in March. Here’s the thing. If you’re a girl who marries Charlie Sheen VOLUNTARILY, then your intelligence is to be seriously questioned. The dude has a history of being a complete jerk, and if you marry him ANYWAY, well, then you’re either really really stupid, or totally masochistic.

In other news, I am sick as a dog. I have one of those head colds where your head is so full of snot that you can’t hear very well. Everything is muffled. And I can’t breathe through my nose at all. That’s the worst. And there are piles and piles of delicious leftovers, yet I have no appetite. UGH.

But Christmas itself was kind of awesome. Mr. Mock and I had an agreement not to get each other gifts since we just did the Mexico trip, but he had pictures of Mini-Mock’s hand-and-footprints framed for me, which was like the sweetest possible gift EVER. Mr. Mock always knows how to yank on the heartstrings. LOVE.

I want to know what awesome loot you guys got. GO.

Posting is going to be light today, because we are going to be watching A Christmas Story approximately 87 times.

Enjoy your day!

I mean, I could get myself onboard with this, from a tolerance perspective, except that there is an inexplicable chicken.