The Mock Dock

Remember how I told you guys about that awesome website called vat19.com and introduced you to their fabulous Screwnicorn product?

Well, an alert and astute mockdocker sent me their latest product advertisement, and it is basically a huge pile of awesome.

Soooo inappropriately awesome. And under $30!! I am so getting this as a gift for SOMEONE. I don’t know who yet, but SOMEONE.

HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP. I had no idea these creatures could do this until I got this video from an alert and astute mockdocker.

I still think they’re kinda gross, don’t get me wrong. But the ability to camouflage into nearby scenery would be kinda handy.

Tell me mockdockers, in what situations might you employ such a skill?

For the tiny print-challenged, behold the text (emphasis is mine):

“For sale is a relatively new and luxuriously comfortable queen size Tempur-Pedic mattress. It was purchased new about one year ago and the memory foam feels amazing. It will conform to your body perfectly and feels like you are sleeping on a cloud without any of the painful pressure points, tossing and turning, etc. Originally purchased for $1500, this bastion of comfort can be yours today for only $500 or the highest offer (starting high due to its sentimental value).

P.S. One cosmetic detail… Although there are some slightly noticeable afterbirth stains on one side of the mattress (see bottom picture), they have been thoroughly sanitized and are also shaped like a heart. This could be a romantic addition for anyone looking to add that extra spark to your love life. Placenta/bloodstains easily covered by your favorite linens. Whether you are looking for a good-luck charm to help with a child of your own or simply recognize the luxurious comfort of a top-quality mattress at a superb value, this mattress is sure to satisfy.”

Now THAT is a salesperson right there. When you spin the stain of PLACENTA BLOOD as a way of creating a romantic spark in your love life, YOU ARE A SALES MASTER.

LOOK AT THAT THING.

Apparently, that is a Gambian pouched rat, which was found (and then promptly pitchforked to death) by a dude in BROOKLYN.  And according to that same dude, there are lots more just like it at this particular housing complex.

I don’t care what sort of fancy name it might have – it’s a huge ass rat and it’s gross.

One tenant said, “They’re here day and night. We don’t dodge bullets. We dodge rats.They’re so big, they should charge them rent.”

Now, I don’t think I could PERSONALLY pitchfork a giant rat to death, because it’s got fur, and I have a rule about personally killing animals with fur.  If it were attacking me in some way, then yes, I could pitchfork it.  But if I just saw it outside, minding its own business, I couldn’t do it.  I would simply have to move to a different residence, is all.

So Mini-Mock finally got his first “real” bicycle the other day, and he was SO TOTALLY PRECIOUS with it. LOOK.

Sweaty, but precious.  He practiced for about 20 minutes and seemed to finally figure out how pedaling backwards would make him stop.  That was a toughie.

But listen!  After about 20 minutes, he said he had to go potty, so he ran inside while Mr. Mock and I stayed out.  A few minutes later, Mr. Mock says, “I think I hear him crying!” and so I ran into the house, and by the time I reached the living room, what I heard wasn’t just crying, it was BLOODCURDLING HYSTERICAL SCREAMS.  Our living room is approximately 20 feet from the bathroom he was in, but getting to that bathroom all of a sudden seemed like it was taking me 4 years.  It was like those horror movies where all of a sudden the hallway gets super long and you feel like you’re running through peanut butter.  In Actual Reality, I reached him in about 2 seconds.  But it FELT like 4 years.

ANYWAY.

I run into the bathroom, expecting to see my boy on the ground bleeding from every orifice and broken bones protruding from him.  This is how hysterical he sounded.  But you know what I found?  I found Mini-Mock standing up perfectly safe and sound, crying his FREAKING HEAD OFF.

So I said, “OMG WHAT IS THE MATTER?!?!?!?”

And do you know what that little stinker had the audacity to say to me, barely even able to speak because he was choking on his own sobs?  He wailed, “I can’t get my shorts buttoned.”

O

M

G

THAT was his big crisis, you guys.  He couldn’t get his shorts buttoned after going potty.

As you can imagine, I promptly gave him something to Actually Cry About, and yelled at him for 5 straight minutes about how much he scared me, how completely idiotic it was to cry over something that stupid, and how the only time he should EVER EVER EVER make those sounds again was if he was bleeding profusely, had bones sticking out of his skin, or something equally disastrous.

Ooooo – Mr. Mock and I were FURIOUS, you guys.  I’m STILL furious just thinking about it.  Especially because Mini-Mock has never ever ever cried like that before EVER, and we would have never expected that kind of nonsense out of him.

But he looked really cute on his new bike.

So there’s that.

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me this video along with the comment that he thought this would be great for product testing, and I TOTALLY AGREE, but they are out of stock everywhere and I can’t find information about pricing. But I NEED the clown fish. I don’t particularly want the shark, because I’m afraid of sharks, but the clown fish looks very friendly.

WANT.

I love a good gag. Bunny sent me this one. I giggled at most of it, EXCEPT the lady at the 1 minute mark, because she looked genuinely frightened and confused and worried and it made me want to smooth her hair and pat her cheek and put her in my pocket.

But everyone else was hilarious. LOVE.

This, and the other hundreds of photos making the rounds on the interwebs mocking the total overreaction of the east coast to the recent earthquakes CRACK. ME. UP.

I know I told you guys about this horrifying couple a few weeks back, but I couldn’t resist bringing them to you again. They are mind-numbingly stupid.

And frankly, I didn’t want to be the only one dumber for having watched this interview. Join me, mockdockers. Join me in becoming dumber.

…but it seems like a lot of this outfit is missing.  Like, KEY PARTS OF IT.