I happen to be of the opinion that pretty much whatever Seth Rogen touches turns to gold. And if you throw in Darryl from The Office, then it’s not even just gold - it’s like diamond-encrusted platinum gold with ruby frosting and emerald sprinkles.
Must see.
Rumors abound that Pamela Anderson, who has aged like 15 years in the past 6 months alone, is dating MICHAEL JACKSON. What in the hell?
I mean, there’s the matter of him not having sex with women. We know this. And she seems to enjoy relations of a sexual nature quite a bit, based on the video evidence that the entire world has seen. So there’s that hurdle. Also, she is a PETAphile, which, even though it’s just two letters off, is quite different from the category he falls into. Plus, he looks like a younger woman than she does.
I just see a lot of strikes against them, is all.
Ok. I am about to take down a post where, in the comments section, we are accused of showing MEDIA BIAS ABOUT LANDBEASTS. If you didn’t get a chance to see it, let me just assure you, we had a commenter, a regular even, accuse this site of showing media bias because of the use of the word “landbeast.” We’re not even real media, for crying out loud.
This was the wake-up call I needed. No more politics. It may kill me, and I might slip in an opinion here and there BECAUSE I AM CO-OWNER OF THIS BLOG AND I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT, but I am going to attempt not to post anything political for the forseeable future.
Notice I said “ATTEMPT” because Ashley Judd is SURE to say something political between now and November and there is no way I won’t post about it.
So. There it is. Regular mocking will now continue, and if you’re a landbeast, you’re just going to have to deal with it.
I love that in the past 24 hours, I’ve received URGENT MESSAGES from mockdockers who have alerted me about two mockworthy photos. I love that there are actually people out there who see a photo, like the one of Cristina Skankulera above, and think, “You know who needs to know about this IMMEDIATELY?? Mockarena. That’s who.” I LOVE THAT. Now granted, it puts ALL SORTS OF PRESSURE on me to come up with something witty and creative, but it’s the kind of pressure that I like. The kind where I say, “Oh yeah, Pressure? You think you can get to me? You wanna take this outside?” And I go outside, and realize it’s far too humid out to have a fight with an invisible force, and I end up back here at my desk, writing snark about Skankulera’s breastular area.
Because LOOK at it, you guys. Look at the veritable VALLEY that exists between her boobs. I mean, there’s no question these were bolted on, but she can afford more realistic bolt-ons. This is unacceptable. And she’s a MOTHER for crying out loud. Wouldn’t it behoove her to wear a dress she can actually sit down in?
Anyway. I told you that there were TWO photos I’ve been presented with. The one below is the 2nd.
Some completely adorable mockdocker saw this landbeast in her local Wal-mart and took it upon herself to take a photo. FOR US. She thought, “Oooo - this is JUST the kind of thing that those crazy mockdockers like to write about” and she whipped out her camera, took this photo, and sent it on to us. This is the kind of dedication we are looking for out of our audience. Step it up, people.
KIDDING! You can just passively read - that’s fine too. We’re just happy you like us. You really really like us!!!
It was announced today that Dario Franchitti is going back to the Indycar series, after his miserably pathetic attempt to drive in the NASCAR series for Chip Ganassi. Chip has taken pity on him, and decided to get rid of Huge-Toothed Dan Wheldon, and now Dario is set to return to Indy Cars.
You know what’s just totally RICH about this whole thing? The fact that Dario is trying to act like this is EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED all along. He says, “Part of the reason that I signed with Ganassi last year was because of how many options that Chip has at his disposal for a driver. You can do almost any form of racing that you want. With unification and the new schedule having more road and street courses it made me think about this more and more. I have really enjoyed this last season in stock cars and have not completely closed that chapter of my professional career, but the opportunity that arose was just something I could not pass up.”
Translation: I sucked at Nascar, and have totally embarrassed myself, and this is really my only option.
The thing is, I can’t deny he was great at driving the indycars, because he was. But since he already won the Indy 500 and the championship last year, there’s pretty much no where to go but down.
The Indy Racing League, unfortunately and as opposed to NASCAR, EATS ASHLEY JUDD UP - they hang on her every word to the point that you kind of want to punch your tv in the face. But it’ll make good sound bites for mocking. Which, rest assured, will be plentiful.
HATE HATE HATE HATE.
…but they already MADE the movie Castaway, and Tom Hanks was great in it. You can cut your fur now.
(This is Jason Priestly and Tiffani Amber Thiessen from the 90210 of yore, as opposed to the 90210 of today. You know, I always thought Tiffani Amber Thiessen was really pretty as far as enormous-faced-girls go.)
…or lack any sort of gaydar whatsoever, Kevin Spacey is all kinds of gay. This is a picture of him and some dude’s ass. They make a good couple, don’t you think?
I am incapable of hearing the name “Kevin Spacey” and not immediately visualizing him with those nasty fingertipless fingers yelling, “Detectiiiiiiiiiiive!” in Seven. I loved that movie SO MUCH even though I totally had nightmares about it.
Anyway. Kevin Spacey is gay.
…Katie Holmes has turned into our great Aunt Beatrice.
Seriously -what IS that shirt? It’s like someone found one of Mrs. Roper’s housecoats and regurgitated it into blousal form.
She’s already forced pegged jeans back into the fashion world - can’t she just leave well enough alone?
Don LaFontaine has died at age 68. 
This so totally sucks. No one will ever make previews sound the same ever again ever. I hope that for his funeral, they are somehow able to dub an entire eulogy using clips from all the voice-overs he did, because that would be kind of awesome.
Dollar says he’s got a chopped up body in that duffle bag.
Imaginary bonus points to the mockdocker who can identify who’s on his “shirt.”
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