Archive for the 'Drunk' Category

Win, Lose or Draw….a Way Out of Your Closet

Published
by
Holmes
on May 1, 2008
in Drunk and Holmes Life of Idiocy
. 2 Comments

Last weekend I I got in to a fight with my aunt. As I nestled in to the sagging third cushion of Aunt Debbie’s floral print sofa, I noticed a medium-sized green box strategically placed under the rattan coffee table, obviously purchased at a Pier 1 sidewalk sale. As the night fell and the tiffany-style knock-off lamps gathered control of life’s illumination, I became transfixed on the corner of this box.

Finally, after exhausting all of possible pathways of communication surrounding the election, the papal attack on NYC and whether or not Andy Griffith was the first choice to play Ben Matlock, I shifted in my seat, cleared my throat, looked at my cousin and uttered, “What is that?”

Phil jumped from his seat, gleefully interrupting his mother, “Holmes said he wants to play. We were hoping someone would want to. Our night is perfect now, mother.”

Continue reading ‘Win, Lose or Draw….a Way Out of Your Closet’

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Move over Chris Henry

Published
by
Gabone
on April 26, 2008
in Drunk
. 0 Comments

As seen in the pic, Greg Oden is taking shots with cool guys douche bags in tight red shirts from high school. See more awesome party pics after the jump… Continue reading ‘Move over Chris Henry’

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This is What We Did…Doggie-Style

Published
by
Holmes
on March 13, 2008
in Drunk and Holmes Life of Idiocy
. 0 Comments

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This past weekend, I had the opportunity to enjoy an evening of frivolous activity and general fun with my very best friends.  As I stood looking in my mirror, clipping on my tie and remembering to not zip up my pants, I knew that this night would be magical… Dinner, Drinks, Dancing… all reaching beyond my wildest hallunications.

After a fine evening of masticating perfectly seasoned beef medallions, I found myself engulfed in the good of humanity.  Laughter filled the large ballroom as an 80s cover band lit the candle of exuberance with a stirring rendition of “Jack and Diane”.

As I sat near the bar, I noticed a gentleman approaching who I didn’t recognize but who obviously knew me.  I did my best to recall his name…unable, I quickly filtered through my general greeting list.  “Hey Buddy” presented itself as my best alternative.  I sat perched, prepared, pugnacious.

As “Buddy” came to a halt in front of me (ridiculously close to my cash and prizes) I found myself ruing the fact that I don’t often cross my legs.  This simple, effeminate, berry-pinching posture would have chagned the scope of my evening.

As “Buddy” gathered his drink order and turned to leave, his right butt-cheek found its way to my knee.  As he stumbled to move away, I found myself with a full-grown semi-stranger perched upon my  right knee.

And so… I give you my tribute… to a perfect Saturday night…

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Up To Her Old Tricks. And Some New Ones.

Published
by
Mockarena
on March 7, 2008
in Celebrity, Drunk and Mockery
. 1 Comment

 According to reports, Amy Winehouse is no longer content to snort just your average everyday cocaine up her nose.  She’s now resorted to snorting PURE VODKA up her nostril through a straw.  I am not making this up. 

At this point, I think we should just collectively come up with some self-destructive acts for her to try next.  And we could send a list of them to her, as it’s obvious she is consistently trying to up the ante.  For instance, we could suggest that she snort toothpicks up her nose hole.  Or nails.

This is a great opportunity for some out of the box thinking!

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Ah, The Irony.

Published
by
Mockarena
on February 24, 2008
in Drunk and News
. 0 Comments

So, this is the executive director of The Comprehensive Offender Rehabilitation and Education Agency, which was set up to provide classes to people convicted of driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol.  An honorable position to hold, right?

Yyyyyyyyyeah.  She just got a DUI.

And it’s not like she just got pulled over and breathalzyed.  Nope - she hit a car, proceeded to drive home, and then fought a police officer when he tried to handcuff her, making such a scene that all her neighbors came out to watch. 

This is the stuff of which Alanis Morissette songs are born.

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Buddha Buddha my Pants Size…I mean, Super Bowl XLII

Published
by
Holmes
on February 4, 2008
in Drunk and Holmes Life of Idiocy
. 0 Comments

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Last night, the younger of the two superheroes known as the Mannings, with their perfect teeth and nuclear family and good reasons for invading Irag, was able to defeat the latest version of “The Evil Empire” known as the New England Patriots.  As the New York Giants sluggishly scored 17 points to better the Pats’ 14, Eli Manning was crowned as the next great advertisement horse, outside of the  Budweiser Clydesdales.

There is not much to report about the game.  As I sat in my living room, listening to Depeche Mode and watching these two super-powers sputter up and down the retractable field of Online Fakey Degree College Statium, I could really only feel cheated… the only way to make the night better would have been to go to a strip club where the dancers wore pasties, drink a non-alcoholic beer, so I can go home and masturbate into a condom and not finish. 

I mean really…17-14…the Giants win.  The Perfect season…the dreamboat…Spygate…Senator Arlen Specter…I dream of Genie?  All of this and that was the best they could do…

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Diarrhea…Mom Love… Britney

Published
by
Holmes
on February 1, 2008
in Britney, Drunk and Holmes Life of Idiocy
. 0 Comments

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Those three words are not clues from an old episode of Password, but rather the latest news form the crazed carnie-driven circus that is “The World According to that Crazy Ho.” 

Apparently, upon entering her court-ordered soft-walled stay, Britney was heard accusing one of (no one is sure which) of her “flavor-savered” boyfriends/ managers/ drivers/ handlers/ trainers/not-interested-in-all-those-virgins of having biblical relations with her own mom.  She was also spewing profanities in front of families…but can you blame her.. she thought she was giving parenting tips.

But maybe on a more critical note, she admitted to ingesting 10 laxatives each and every day.  Though her world has turned upside down, it is amazing that she has not turned inside out.

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Canadian Grit…So Scratchy!

Published
by
Holmes
on January 31, 2008
in Celebrity, Drunk, General Observation and Holmes Life of Idiocy
. 0 Comments

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The other night I was sitting on stool, black-lacquered with red cloth containing some tribal pattern on it, when I realized that wearing shorts in the winter is inappropriate.  Now this awareness had nothin to do with the frigid winter thermometer or the social stigma that is lain upon such animals as me…it is derived from the very fact that the stool upon which I gingerly rested my vasectomized bag of groceries.  It was with the delicate lapping of a cat’s tongue that I realized how coarse the very fabric felt against my newly shorn baggage.  I forgot to mention that all of my shorts are hand-me-downs from Bjorn Borg.

 All of that to say… here are some pics of Avril Lavigne.  She is a Canadian.  She is like sandpaper to my manbag, minus the tribal patterning.

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Blonde Bombedshell

Published
by
Mockarena
on January 10, 2008
in Celebrity, Drunk and Mockery
. 0 Comments

Amy Winehouse traded her signature beehive hair for this new do.  Presumably on purpose, but most likely under the influence of some wicked pharmaceuticals.  Any guesses on what’s about to fall out of her mouth?

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Tara Reid Has a Horrible New Haircut

Published
by
Mockarena
on January 8, 2008
in Celebrity, Drunk, Freak and Mockery
. 0 Comments

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Other sites are reporting that this photo of Tara Reid suggests that she might be intoxicated.  But I’m betting it has less to do with alcohol than it does the fact that she weights about 68 pounds.  I don’t think her legs are capable of supporting her anymore.  Thank goodness that this guy, who looks like the byproduct of Clive Owen and Michael Stipe, was there to stop Tara from wiping out completely.

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