The Smoking Gun reports that Ronald Miller, age 56, was hanging out at home with his windows and doors wide open, when police drove by and noticed that anyone driving down the road could easily see him all exposed and naked and doing unspeakable things to himself. So they approached the house, and got close enough to see very clearly that Ronald was busying himself with putting a hefty bag covered claw hammer into his analular area. Yup! Riiiiiight in there. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, how might one go about inserting a claw hammer into one’s anus without proper lubrication?
Ronald, as it turns out, was waaaaay ahead of the game, and had lubed himself up nicely with MOTOR OIL.
The police walked right into his house and it wasn’t until they actually spoke to him that Ronald bothered to even acknowledge their presence. They informed him they’d arrest him for public indecency and cruelty to claw hammers. (Ok - maybe not the claw hammer part, but I certainly feel sorry for it…)
One of the cops happened to see a neighbor witnessing this whole thing and asked her questions about Ronald. She had the following observation to share:
“He’s not right.”
Nice detective work, neighbor. Very astute observation indeed. Was it the motor oil that gave it away?
I would love this story even more if the dude didn’t live just 2.5 hours away from here. <shudder>
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This lady. This lady paid FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS to have her pit bull Booger cloned into 5 puppies. Watch how crazy she is. Especially at the end. She is seriously orgasmic over the puppies.
I appreciate people who love their pets, but this is flat crazy.
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An alert and astute mockdocker sent us a link to some photos of a DUDE putting on a pair of pantyhose. Only they aren’t even regular pantyhose - they are MANTYhose, because they have the front fly thingy that boy underwear has. Someone has actually created a pantyhose product for men.
Anyway, you can imagine my intrigue. The pictures then linked back to this other website which is a blog seemingly DEVOTED to pantyhose-wearing dudes. The intro actually reads as follows:
Men, as well as women,
wear nylon legwear (tights and pantyhose)
for a number of reasons.
Fashion, warmth, comfort, athletic performance, healthy legs
or just because they feel good to wear.
I’m going to need some help from our male readers on this one. How, I ask you, might mantyhose assist with athletic performance? I mean, all the other reasons listed are ridiculous too, but that one really stood out.
And feel good to wear? What the hell? One of the primary reasons I have the job I do is so that I don’t have to wear pantyhose. I’ve actually managed to go at least the past whole decade without having to wear a single pair, and I consider that an actual job benefit.
Anyway, the site is hilarious. There are personal accounts of men who wear hose and how their girlfriends help them pick out hose, etc. You have to see it to believe it.
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I would so love to know something about the photographer for this pic. Like, do you think he/she said, “Ok you two. Let’s go ahead and do this without shirts - we really want to capture all three of you, if you know what I mean. And how about a hand on her ass? That’ll add some ‘edge’ to what would otherwise be just your average everyday engagement photo. Ready? Say cheese!”
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Will someone please explain what the hell is happening with/to Courtney Love in this photo? Guitar? Crazy bathing suit, complete with waist corsage? Footbrace? Bizarre hand gesture? Whaaa?
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You guys, as I was collecting some archived instant messages exchanged between me and my fellow mockers earlier today, I came across an exchange between me and Holmes, shortly after I (along with the entire rest of the blogging community) posted the first “Leave Me Alone” Chris Crocker video. And the exchange was as follows:
Mockarena: Go. At once. To mockdock. And watch the crazy fan. Holy mother of crap!
Holmes: I think I just met my future bride…. I love the snot-wrangling that is done after each outburst… I love the sheet pulled over her head as if she is hoping Haley Joel Osment will come and find safety with her
Mockarena: Dude. I think he’s a guy.
Holmes: what
Mockarena: yeah - I think it’s a guy
Holmes: that is a dude… then it is Haley Joel Osment. I must now go and kill myself
Mockarena: You just had a near-gay experience!!
Holmes: it has been nice knowing you… but I have found the need to not live any longer…. holy mother of crap
Mockarena: I just copied and pasted this entire exchange to Dame - I am crying with laughter right now
Holmes: me tooo
Anyway, can you even imagine if the video above was the first time Holmes saw Chris Crocker? He would have fallen in love. Because, and I say this with no shame whatsoever, Chris Crocker is a beautiful girl, particularly in this video. You know I’m right. Admit it.
So Chris Crocker is leaving YouTube to start his own website, and naturally he’s all huffy and hairflippy about it. Enjoy.
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Woman with the biggest face ever + unfortunate furry date + corsages that look like crabs + zigzag sweater in the background + bald men in gold chains about to make out = BEST.PHOTO.EVER.
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You know what’s really amazing about this picture? The girl doesn’t look remotely embarrassed. She looks perfectly happy to be in the arms of a dude who looks about as human as Jude Law’s character in AI.
LOOK at the sheen this guy’s skin has. He’s practically radioactive. And his lips - are you seeing the color of his lips? And the goo on top of his head? It’s not even like he just finger-combed some pomade through there - it’s like someone picked him up and turned him upside down, hanging by his ankles, and then they dipped him into a vat of sticky oil, turned him back over, blotted off excess oil and sent him on his way.
Either that, or that’s a merkin on his head.
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