Archive for the 'I Hate Ashley Judd' Category

More About Ashley Judd from the Town and Country Magazine

My husband and I were at the grocery store today and I saw the Town and Country mag which features Ashley on the cover.  Shockingly, the cover photo looked nothing like the above, which is a TRUE representation of what she looks like and not a heavily photoshopped and airbrushed one. 

Anyway.

Due to my commitment to you, all 32 of you, I spent FOUR DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS on this magazine, specifically to find content to mock, so that you won’t have to buy it yourself (and yes, Ernie, I mean you).  By the way, if there are others out there besides Ernie who are worried about possibly hurting Ashley’s feelings, you’ll be happy to know that the article states that she refuses to read what’s been written about her.  She’s previously stated that “It’s none of my business what other people think of me.”  And to that I say, “YAY!”  <begin sarcasm> And here I was CERTAIN that Ashley was a regular visitor to this site. <end sarcasm> 

Let me back up for just a moment. So, as it turns out, this magazine is geared toward filthy rich people.  All of the ads are for jewelry, and when I say jewelry I am not talking about Claire’s Boutique.  One of the first ads, for Kaufmann de Suisse, featured a woman wearing a 25 carat cushion-cut diamond ring.  And that was just the center stone.  It was flanked by around 10 additional carats of emergency back-up diamonds. 

I must have been visibly affected by this, because my husband promptly informed me that I was never allowed to purchase this magazine again.  He’s right - we’re not even rich enough to have the magazine in our house.  There should in fact be a prerequisite annual income (somewhere around the million mark) before you’re even allowed to SEE this magazine in stores. 

So the first inside photo of Ashley features her with her two dogs.  Most of the rest of the photos are of Ashley hugging and feeding various sick and/or starving people.  The article highlights her humanitarian efforts, and doesn’t really say anything we haven’t already talked about here at the MockDock, but there are some quotes that were worthy of mention.  Oh yeah, and the fact that she has a “meditation teacher.”  <gag>

Ashley says:  “Ultimately, real happiness can come only from seeing what we can pack into the stream of life, what kind of service we can do.”  She describes her ability to be attentive and respectful to women struggling with HIV as “a state of grace.”  She further says, “I feel the presence of the spirit of life…it’s the presence of the God of my understanding.”  She references the God of her understanding several times actually, to the point where you kind of just want to punch her in the face.  And by that I mean even more so than usual.  For once I would just like her to talk like a normal human being.  I would even be willing to suspend mockery of her for say, an entire weather season, if she would just not say stuff that sounds like it’s out of a Deepak Chopra book.

Overall, it wasn’t scoopworthy enough to spend $4.50 due to the fact that Town and Country probably promised her that they would make her sound like Mother Teresa herself.  Interestingly, no mention was made of what Ashley herself has contributed to her various causes, other than showing up at really sad places and getting photographed kissing children.  Sorry guys.  I know we were all hoping for more.  But it’s ASHLEY JUDD, for crying out loud.  She’s bound to do something totally obnoxious in the next month or two.

HATE.

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Parking Solutions: By Ashley Judd and Dario Franchitti

So an anonymous astute and alert MockDocker sent me a note suggesting I do some digging around about Ashley and Dario’s income versus the amount they spend on charity versus the amount that they spend on homes. 

While it’s tough to get specifics on that sort of thing, I did come across an article about parking spaces in the UK. 

What’s parking got to do with Ashley and Dario, you ask?  Well, I’ll tell you.  Parking isn’t a problem when you’ve got miles of land in TN.  But according to the article, parking is relatively limited in the UK.  Which is a problem when you’ve got a fleet of Ferraris and Porsches and motorcyles on both continents, as Ashley and Dario do. And seeing as how they have their own CASTLE in Scotland (on which they spent roughly six million dollars) and castles aren’t known for their garages, they decided to install a stacking parking system with room for about 20 cars in their home, otherwise known as Rednock Castle in Perthshire.  Computer sensors allow him to store cars just inches apart. Isnt that handy?  Happily, they seem to have plenty of room to store their helicopters as well.  Thank goodness!

Next time you see Ashley in an interview or on tv bemoaning the poor conditions in third world countries and pleading with ordinary people like you and me to send money to all of her causes, just remember this post. 

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It’s A Hondaful Life!

Back in the day (2000) when Ashley Judd didn’t look as utterly wrecked as she looks today, she made a ridiculous Japanese commercial, in which she sports blonde big hair and makes exaggerated facial expressions, only to cap the whole thing off by yelling, “It’s a Hondaful Life!”

It’s every bit as retarded as I am making it sound.  Click on the pic to take a look!

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Happy Mother’s Day, Naomi Judd!

Just in time for Mother’s Day, a new issue of Town and Country Magazine (?) features Ashley Judd on the cover, and an article in which Ashley proceeds to make her mom look like a complete child abuser.  She says:

“I had a very unsafe and unstable childhood about ten months out of the year. I didn’t have my normal, natural little girl needs met.”  She goes on to say that she “…had my first childhood depression at eight - severe, intense, hole-in-the-soul loneliness. No one noticed.”

Nicely done, Ashley. 

Once she got through ripping her mom to shreds, she blathered on about her humanitarian efforts by remarking, ”It’s unmistakable to me that it’s a holy and righteous thing to be with the poor.”

So make no mistake about it, people.  Ashley Judd believes she’s bought herself a ticket to heaven by hanging out with poor people. 

HATE.

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Well, This Has To Be Embarassing

So remember how I told you that Ashley’s husband, Dario Franchitti, broke his ankle yesterday and therefore had to miss the Talledega race today?  So his team decided to use a dude by the name of David Stremme, who Dario REPLACED this year, as a substitute in today’s race.  And he started dead last, because that’s where Dario had qualified the car.  And then he proceeded to have a totally badass run, including even leading a lap at one point.  He would have finished in the top 5 had he not been caught up in a random accident on the last lap.  Which all just goes to show that Chip Ganassi is an idiot for hiring Dario to replace Stremme in the first place, and that Dario isn’t nearly as much of an “elite talent” as Ashley insists he is.

Anyway.  I like to imagine that in the photo above, she’s saying, “Shhh.  I know he’s not that good but I don’t want him to hear me saying that.”  Only if that’s what she were really saying, it’d be more like, “Silence.  I am cognizant of the reality that my betrothed is not in possession of the level of skill which I have previously indicated; however, it is my preference that he not be made aware of this sentiment through any auditory means.”

 

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Ashley Judd’s Husband Gets An Owie While She Hangs Out In Rwanda

Dario Franchitti broke his ankle yesterday in the Nationwide race, and couldn’t count on Ashley to kiss away the boo-boo because she was off in Rwanda, complaining about how the US didn’t do anything to help prevent the 1994 genocide, and “almost fainting twice” at the genocide memorial.  She also promised the Rwandan government, “I will do my part to ensure such a tragedy never happens”, which I’m sure was a huge relief to them.  I’m sure they have just been sitting around governing their country thinking, “If only Ashley Judd could provide us with some reassurance about the possibility of future tragedies.”

Perhaps Ashley should have brought up the whole genocide thing to Bill Clinton when she was introducing him at a Texas rally for his wife not long ago.  She could have asked him for that apology she obviously thinks he didn’t do a very good job at the first time around.

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Ashley Judd is 40 Years Old Today

You know what’s totally awesome about today being Ashley’s birthday?  The fact that she will ALWAYS be older than me. 

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Ashley Judd’s Husband Continues To Utterly SUCK At NASCAR

Ashley Judd’s husband Dario couldn’t manage to qualify for this Sunday’s race in Texas.  He’ll be sitting on the sidelines, wondering how in the world he could become so irrelevant in the world of motorsports so quickly.

It’s unlikely she’ll be there to comfort him, because she’s probably too embarrassed.   Although she wasn’t too embarrassed to show herself in public after completely screwing up a spray tan (see picture below), so I could be wrong.

 

HATE.

 

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Ashley Judd Tried to Impress Craig Ferguson

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I just saw a clip from an Ashley Judd appearance on the Craig Ferguson show, promoting her horrible godawful boring movie of last year, Come Early Morning.  And you know how much I hate her and her seeming inability to get through a single conversation without injecting 28-letter words into as many sentences as possible.  I mean, if you said, “Hi” to her, she’d probably reply, “How delightful of you to bestow upon me such a breviloquent salutation,” or something to that effect.

Anyway.  I jotted down, verbatim I might add, the following gems from her interview.

1.  Referring to the paparazzi in the UK, Ashley said, “They’ve completely disabused me of the high school notion that there should be some verisimilitude of truth in the news.”  I’m not kidding you.  She used the word verisimilitude in a CASUAL CONVERSATION ON A TALK SHOW.

2. Responding to Craig’s comment about Ashley picking up a bit of a Scottish accent, she replied, “I used to have this crisis of conscience about my identity - I didn’t have a consolidated sense of self, so wherever I am, I’ll sort of drift into some reflections of that (accent).”  Who talks like this?

So anyway, I watched this video and was so sickened by it that I felt a need to find a picture of her in shoes incredibly similar to ones I wore in high school show choir and a hideous eggplant dress that makes her look 5 months pregnant, and lo and behold, this popped up in my google search.   Sweet, sweet justice.

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This Is What A Feminist Looks Like

Were you guys ever subjected to the movie “Twisted” in which Ashley Judd played a detective who slept with all kinds of people and then blacked out afterwords and couldn’t remember whether or not she killed them? I’m not kidding - that was the Actual Plot.

Anyway, in my quest to find things to mock about her, I stumbled upon this prize of a movie clip, which seems to be the prelude to one such tryst. It reminds me of Ashley’s favorite t-shirt slogan, only 25 times more gay.

fem.jpg

HATE.

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