The Mock Dock

According to TMZ, People and OK Magazines are in a bidding war for dibs on the forthcoming twins which will emerge from the uterine area of Angelina Jolie.

And, apparently bidding has now reached FIFTEEN MILLION DOLLARS.  Can you believe this?  More money than I can ever hope to see in my entire lifetime is going to be paid out for like three lousy pictures of two helpless newborns.  It’s just insane.

But it got me to thinking.  If Ashley Judd is so wrecked over walking out of orphanages, as she claimed to be yesterday, why doesn’t she just adopt a few 15 kids from one of them, and then sell the photos to OK or People Magazine?  She might not get 15 mill, but she could probably get enough money that she could then, I don’t know, say, feed and heal the entire nation of the Congo or Madagascar.  One of those “beautiful countires” she likes to visit and then claim to need to stay in bed for three weeks to recover from seeing.

Behold: A video in which Ashley Judd is asked about her spirituality. A video in which Ashley Judd, to my absolute DELIGHT, says, “My vocabulary is full of shortcomings.” A video which is completely irrelevant, because Ashley Judd’s spirituality is totally inconsequential. And lastly, it’s a video in which Ashley Judd looks about 60 years old and dog tired.

LOVE.

My husband and I were at the grocery store today and I saw the Town and Country mag which features Ashley on the cover.  Shockingly, the cover photo looked nothing like the above, which is a TRUE representation of what she looks like and not a heavily photoshopped and airbrushed one. 

Anyway.

Due to my commitment to you, all 32 of you, I spent FOUR DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS on this magazine, specifically to find content to mock, so that you won’t have to buy it yourself (and yes, Ernie, I mean you).  By the way, if there are others out there besides Ernie who are worried about possibly hurting Ashley’s feelings, you’ll be happy to know that the article states that she refuses to read what’s been written about her.  She’s previously stated that “It’s none of my business what other people think of me.”  And to that I say, “YAY!”  <begin sarcasm> And here I was CERTAIN that Ashley was a regular visitor to this site. <end sarcasm> 

Let me back up for just a moment. So, as it turns out, this magazine is geared toward filthy rich people.  All of the ads are for jewelry, and when I say jewelry I am not talking about Claire’s Boutique.  One of the first ads, for Kaufmann de Suisse, featured a woman wearing a 25 carat cushion-cut diamond ring.  And that was just the center stone.  It was flanked by around 10 additional carats of emergency back-up diamonds. 

I must have been visibly affected by this, because my husband promptly informed me that I was never allowed to purchase this magazine again.  He’s right - we’re not even rich enough to have the magazine in our house.  There should in fact be a prerequisite annual income (somewhere around the million mark) before you’re even allowed to SEE this magazine in stores. 

So the first inside photo of Ashley features her with her two dogs.  Most of the rest of the photos are of Ashley hugging and feeding various sick and/or starving people.  The article highlights her humanitarian efforts, and doesn’t really say anything we haven’t already talked about here at the MockDock, but there are some quotes that were worthy of mention.  Oh yeah, and the fact that she has a “meditation teacher.”  <gag>

Ashley says:  “Ultimately, real happiness can come only from seeing what we can pack into the stream of life, what kind of service we can do.”  She describes her ability to be attentive and respectful to women struggling with HIV as “a state of grace.”  She further says, “I feel the presence of the spirit of life…it’s the presence of the God of my understanding.”  She references the God of her understanding several times actually, to the point where you kind of just want to punch her in the face.  And by that I mean even more so than usual.  For once I would just like her to talk like a normal human being.  I would even be willing to suspend mockery of her for say, an entire weather season, if she would just not say stuff that sounds like it’s out of a Deepak Chopra book.

Overall, it wasn’t scoopworthy enough to spend $4.50 due to the fact that Town and Country probably promised her that they would make her sound like Mother Teresa herself.  Interestingly, no mention was made of what Ashley herself has contributed to her various causes, other than showing up at really sad places and getting photographed kissing children.  Sorry guys.  I know we were all hoping for more.  But it’s ASHLEY JUDD, for crying out loud.  She’s bound to do something totally obnoxious in the next month or two.

HATE.

Back in the day (2000) when Ashley Judd didn’t look as utterly wrecked as she looks today, she made a ridiculous Japanese commercial, in which she sports blonde big hair and makes exaggerated facial expressions, only to cap the whole thing off by yelling, “It’s a Hondaful Life!”

It’s every bit as retarded as I am making it sound.  Click on the pic to take a look!