Back in the day (2000) when Ashley Judd didn’t look as utterly wrecked as she looks today, she made a ridiculous Japanese commercial, in which she sports blonde big hair and makes exaggerated facial expressions, only to cap the whole thing off by yelling, “It’s a Hondaful Life!”
It’s every bit as retarded as I am making it sound. Click on the pic to take a look!
Just in time for Mother’s Day, a new issue of Town and Country Magazine (?) features Ashley Judd on the cover, and an article in which Ashley proceeds to make her mom look like a complete child abuser. She says:
“I had a very unsafe and unstable childhood about ten months out of the year. I didn’t have my normal, natural little girl needs met.” She goes on to say that she “…had my first childhood depression at eight - severe, intense, hole-in-the-soul loneliness. No one noticed.”
Nicely done, Ashley.
Once she got through ripping her mom to shreds, she blathered on about her humanitarian efforts by remarking, ”It’s unmistakable to me that it’s a holy and righteous thing to be with the poor.”
So make no mistake about it, people. Ashley Judd believes she’s bought herself a ticket to heaven by hanging out with poor people.
HATE.
So remember how I told you that Ashley’s husband, Dario Franchitti, broke his ankle yesterday and therefore had to miss the Talledega race today? So his team decided to use a dude by the name of David Stremme, who Dario REPLACED this year, as a substitute in today’s race. And he started dead last, because that’s where Dario had qualified the car. And then he proceeded to have a totally badass run, including even leading a lap at one point. He would have finished in the top 5 had he not been caught up in a random accident on the last lap. Which all just goes to show that Chip Ganassi is an idiot for hiring Dario to replace Stremme in the first place, and that Dario isn’t nearly as much of an “elite talent” as Ashley insists he is.
Anyway. I like to imagine that in the photo above, she’s saying, “Shhh. I know he’s not that good but I don’t want him to hear me saying that.” Only if that’s what she were really saying, it’d be more like, “Silence. I am cognizant of the reality that my betrothed is not in possession of the level of skill which I have previously indicated; however, it is my preference that he not be made aware of this sentiment through any auditory means.”
Dario Franchitti broke his ankle yesterday in the Nationwide race, and couldn’t count on Ashley to kiss away the boo-boo because she was off in Rwanda, complaining about how the US didn’t do anything to help prevent the 1994 genocide, and “almost fainting twice” at the genocide memorial. She also promised the Rwandan government, “I will do my part to ensure such a tragedy never happens”, which I’m sure was a huge relief to them. I’m sure they have just been sitting around governing their country thinking, “If only Ashley Judd could provide us with some reassurance about the possibility of future tragedies.”
Perhaps Ashley should have brought up the whole genocide thing to Bill Clinton when she was introducing him at a Texas rally for his wife not long ago. She could have asked him for that apology she obviously thinks he didn’t do a very good job at the first time around.
You know what’s totally awesome about today being Ashley’s birthday? The fact that she will ALWAYS be older than me.
Ashley Judd’s husband Dario couldn’t manage to qualify for this Sunday’s race in Texas. He’ll be sitting on the sidelines, wondering how in the world he could become so irrelevant in the world of motorsports so quickly.
It’s unlikely she’ll be there to comfort him, because she’s probably too embarrassed. Although she wasn’t too embarrassed to show herself in public after completely screwing up a spray tan (see picture below), so I could be wrong.
HATE.
I just saw a clip from an Ashley Judd appearance on the Craig Ferguson show, promoting her horrible godawful boring movie of last year, Come Early Morning. And you know how much I hate her and her seeming inability to get through a single conversation without injecting 28-letter words into as many sentences as possible. I mean, if you said, “Hi” to her, she’d probably reply, “How delightful of you to bestow upon me such a breviloquent salutation,” or something to that effect.
Anyway. I jotted down, verbatim I might add, the following gems from her interview.
1. Referring to the paparazzi in the UK, Ashley said, “They’ve completely disabused me of the high school notion that there should be some verisimilitude of truth in the news.” I’m not kidding you. She used the word verisimilitude in a CASUAL CONVERSATION ON A TALK SHOW.
2. Responding to Craig’s comment about Ashley picking up a bit of a Scottish accent, she replied, “I used to have this crisis of conscience about my identity - I didn’t have a consolidated sense of self, so wherever I am, I’ll sort of drift into some reflections of that (accent).” Who talks like this?
So anyway, I watched this video and was so sickened by it that I felt a need to find a picture of her in shoes incredibly similar to ones I wore in high school show choir and a hideous eggplant dress that makes her look 5 months pregnant, and lo and behold, this popped up in my google search. Sweet, sweet justice.
Were you guys ever subjected to the movie “Twisted” in which Ashley Judd played a detective who slept with all kinds of people and then blacked out afterwords and couldn’t remember whether or not she killed them? I’m not kidding - that was the Actual Plot.
Anyway, in my quest to find things to mock about her, I stumbled upon this prize of a movie clip, which seems to be the prelude to one such tryst. It reminds me of Ashley’s favorite t-shirt slogan, only 25 times more gay.
HATE.
Dario Franchitti continued his streak of crappiness at the Bristol Nascar race this past weekend. Finishing 38th, Dario said, “It’s tough to be learning everything that we’re learning racing against these type of people. These guys know what they’re doing so it’s very difficult for us to even stay in the top-35 right now.”
In a related story, ESPN.com has a headline which reads in part, “Sam Hornish lands a top-35 finish.” So apparently finishing in the top-35 is like a huge success for these jokers now. Which is retarded considering there are generally fewer than 45 total drivers in any given race.
Anyway, Dario’s best finish of the season to date is 32nd. Which has to be hard on Ashley, who is used to describing her husband with all kinds of flowery and overly complimentary and ridiculously long words. There’s probably not a lot of big words she can use which translate into “top-40 finisher”.
So most people who watch Ashley Judd in this clip would probably have a hard time finding a reason to mock her, when she’s explaining a truly fascinating P&G product which purifies hideous looking water practically instantaneously. But that’s because most people do not have the deep-rooted hatred for her that I have, which uniquely qualifies me to find even the most minute mockworthy details.
So you may have seen my previous post referring to the Iconoclasts episode featuring Ashley and Madeleine Albright. This is from the same show. Anyway, here’s what annoys me about it.
First, Ashley’s using that same 3rd grade teacher tone that she used in the last clip, as if there was literally nothing in the universe more important to her than proper enunciation. Secondly, she calls a packet a “sachet” for absolutely no reason other than she felt that the word “packet” was simply too common. Thirdly, I LOATHE AND DETEST her husky throaty laugh. It sends shivers up my spine. Fourthly, she quotes the DAKOTA TRIBE, for god’s sake. Who DOES that?!?
HATE. HATE. HATE.
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