The Mock Dock

I cannot stop laughing at Ashley Judd’s man-voice in this clip.

It’s only 3 seconds long. You can do it.

Most. Unintentionally hilarious. Show. EVER.

There is so much to mock I don’t even know where to begin. I will try to summarize. And if you didn’t watch it, you can see the entire episode right here.

So, as an audience, we are being asked to believe the following:

1. Ashley Judd is a flower-shop owner/PTA soccer mom, who is ex-CIA, and hasn’t been a CIA agent in 10 years.

2. SOMEHOW, when realizing her son is missing in Italy, she is able to:

a. Go there, and within just moments of arriving there, find his apartment building based solely on PICTURES he texted her prior to his disappearance
b. Find his exact apartment and enter it with no key
c. Pick up and put down a cereal box for NO REASON
d. Kill an intruder using her ex-CIA fighting skills that she presumably hasn’t used in 10 years.

3. Inexplicably, the CIA knows that it was Ashley who killed the intruder, even though they have no reason to even know her son is missing or that she is in Italy in the first place or WHO SHE EVEN IS. I’m not kidding, you guys. All of a sudden, within moments of the intruder being killed, THE ENTIRE WORLD is after her, even though she has been just a regular flower shop owner for the past decade, and there is no explanation as to why they know to look for her.

4. When browsing through pictures on her phone, she notices that in one picture, there’s a security camera hanging off a building. And so she goes to that building, breaks in by unwiring some security lock thingy using her ex-CIA lock-breaking skills, and then makes the most ludicrous attempt at humor ever by saying, “Time for an upgrade” in her deepest manly voice. And then she is able to MIRACULOUSLY see the precise moment, with perfect clarity, that her son was thrown into a van and kidnapped. On a store security camera. The video records of which are miraculously available to her with the touch of a button.

5. When like 5 guys with guns approach Ashley in a dark alleyway, she manages to just HAPPEN to be next to a bike/moped shop, where a bike just HAPPENS to be in the display window, and miraculously, she is able to break in and START THE BIKE WITH NO PROBLEM, while being shot at by like 5 guys. And in the most hilarious scene ever, she rides the bike THROUGH THE WINDOW and speeds off.

6. The next night, she gets into an inexplicable fight with a chick on the train, with the audience having no idea who the chick is or how Ashley even noticed her, and she kicks the chick’s ass even though the night before, she was too sore to even REMOVE HER OWN SHIRT. But yeah – the next day? Like 4 separate fights in which she kicks the asses of basically everyone around her.

7. She’s brought in for questioning by the CIA, during which time she insists she has “passports all over the world” even though supposedly she’s been out of the CIA for 10 years. And passports are only active for 10 years (unless, apparently, you’re Ashley Judd in the world’s stupidest TV show).

8. She gets shot and falls into the Seine. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene.

That was the first episode, you guys. And of course, we know that SOMEHOW she’ll escape death in the Seine, because there were previews for episode two, in which she appears to be very much alive and ass-kicky.

In between all of those ridiculous scenes, Ashley pretty much either looks totally stone-faced and mean, or she’s doing that ugly-cry thing that she does in every movie she ever does ever. And she talks about how she’s a mother looking for her son. A LOT.

The whole thing is so preposterous, that they might as well throw in a leprechaun and a couple of vampires into the storyline too.

Obviously, I will be watching every single episode, so that I can mock them. Join me, won’t you?

OMG did you guys SEE IT?!!? It was hilarious.

But before we can even get into the show, I need to share with you what she said in an interview today, because her ego has exploded into a whole other galaxy.

According to this, Ashley Judd had this to say about herself. This is a DIRECT QUOTE, you guys. (Emphasis mine).

“Sometimes when I’m being introduced at one of my speaking engagements and the person with that honor begins speaking about my credits and experiences, I have an out of body experience because even I don’t think I could do all of what I’ve done.”

OMG.

She’s been self-centered and egotistical before, but that’s like a new level of ego, even for her.

LOOK!  This dude, who I don’t know but instantly adore,  totally called out the diva on her “service” dog.

Can’t wait to see if she acknowledges him.  Any bets on what her response will be?

UPDATE:  She responded, and as I expected, claims that her animals are “psychiatrist support animals.”  Isn’t that convenient?  I don’t even wanna GUESS what she is referring to with respect to the discrimination comment.

…you should watch Ashley Judd’s interview with some TV host chick in Canada I’ve never heard of. I’d embed the video here, but it’s not embeddable so far as I can tell. So just click here to watch it. And if you don’t want to, because you’re not a total masochist like I am, allow me to capture a few of my favorite lines and moments here:

1. About her stupid new show Missing which premieres Thursday: “I’ve seen the pilot a few times and I like it, however, I just watched episode 2 with some of my friends, and I actually thought it was amazing. I thought episode 2 was pretty incredible. When I cry over my own performance…”

Yeah. She actually CRIED OVER HER OWN ACTING, you guys. To which I would just like to say, “Ashley – welcome to what the rest of the world does when we watch you act.”

2. At around the 5.40 minute mark, she watches her own clip of the show, and you HAVE TO SEE HER REACTION TO HERSELF. Nauseating.

And here’s what she looked like in another interview, where the lighting didn’t help her AT ALL.

I cannot express to you the amount of glees that this article gives me.  The ENTIRE ARTICLE is devoted to how puffy Ashley Judd’s face is lately, and it is CHOCK FULL of gloriously terrible photos of her looking red and puffy and horrible.  The title of the article?  “What has happened to Ashley Judd’s face?”

BEHOLD:

Are those not the BEST PHOTOS EVER?  I love them SO MUCH.

But even though those pictures give me the glees, what with the face puffiness and whatnot, Mr. Mock (being the alert and astute husband he is) noticed something else.  He said, “Why does she get to claim her dog is a service dog?”

AND HE IS EXACTLY RIGHT.  According to this, anyone can buy a service dog vest off the internet and claim that their dog is an “emotional support animal.”  Which is precisely what Ashley obviously did, because she is a diva.  And clearly, I’m not going to argue the fact that she is emotionally disabled, because I think that it’s obvious to anyone who listens to her for more than 60 seconds that she is seriously MENTAL.

It would be SO AWESOME if all of you fellow Ashley Judd-despising mockdockers could come over to my house next Thursday for the premiere of her new stupid show. Bunny is coming over, and it’ll probably take two full hours to get through the 1 hour show, because we’ll have to pause it 7000 times to make fun of it.

After the jump is an extended “sneak peek” for the show, and I already am laughing SO HARD at SO MANY things. Jump in to see the video and my analysis.
Continue reading ‘Do You Know What Would Be Totally Awesome?’

So, Ashley Judd’s new tv show starts on the 15th, and here’s a short review I read on it this morning.

“Missing”: 7 p.m. Thursdays, ABC, premieres March 15. You won’t invest if you don’t believe. Pretty much every moment of this mom-on-a-mission spy thriller feels forced and fake, but the central problem lies in the casting. Perhaps you will believe Ashley Judd as an ex-CIA agent kicking butt and taking names across Europe as she searches for her kidnapped son, but I didn’t. Not for a second.

Ouch.

Ashley Judd forced and fake???  SHOCKING.

Today, Ashley asked her sheep followers:

One of her followers must have asked her to explain further, an opportunity on which Ashley was all too eager to pounce.  And here was her extraordinarily self-indulgent, obnoxious, typical psycho-nonsense response:

Did y’all get that?

Ashley Judd is a fruit stain.  I think that sums up her psychobabble bullsh*t nicely.

This totally gave me the giggles.

She recieved and was insipried, you guys.

Apparently all that was missing from that “outstanding education” was a spelling requirement.