The Mock Dock

So in my quest to provide you with up to date, top of the minute news on Ashley Judd, I saw a few other blogs out there delivering the news about her speech to the UN, and lots of lemmings people commenting on those posts and buying into it all, without having the benefit of all of the background information that we here at the mockdock bring to you.  You’re welcome. 

So I linked back to us, so that people could come on over here and read about Ashley’s antics for themselves.  And do you know what happened?  A couple of rabid holier-than-thou people JUMPED to her defense.  Jumped isn’t even a strong enough word.  They suicidally HURLED themselves to her defense, and then used all the standard comebacks that people use when they don’t really know what they’re talking about but they’re so clearly infatuated with a certain celebrity that they just spout off inane stuff like, “You’re just jealous” or “Go ahead and mock if that’s what helps you sleep at night”, or “Why don’t YOU go be an actor or a racecar driver and give away all your money” etc.   Soooo fun!

So I sparred for a bit and then realized that it would be way more fun to write ABOUT them than it is to fight WITH them.  So I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what Ashley’s loudest defenders probably look like.  And here is what I came up with:

I think I’m right on about this.

Ok - I know this is verging on Ashley Judd overkill, but you guys, I’m just so totally irritated by her.  So I told you that she recently got back from Rwanda and from the DRC.  And don’t misunderstand - I appreciate hers or anyone else’s efforts to do positive things for others.  I’m not ripping on that.  In fact, let me just go on the record as saying that she should get a nice big batch of kudos for any positive difference she’s making.  It’s just that everything else about her makes me involuntarily roll my eyes.

Case in point.  Her journal from each of her humanitarian adventures is accessible on line.  And they’re filled with stories of unspeakable devastation and horrible living conditions and incredibly unfortunate people.  They’re also filled with this sort of tripe:

“I felt guided and led the whole time, in fact. I had some choices about hotel (airport, or city centre?) and did not struggle with the decision. Some key phrases from my daily reading came true: When in doubt, we ask for inspiration or a decision. We don’t struggle. We relax and take it easy. Except for complaining to my husband about the cost of living in Brussels, which I did more to keep up my reputation for being “tighter than two coats of paint,” it was all emotionally effortless. The meeting I found was fantastic and heartening. In my room, I had a chance to read the many, kind emails I had received last week for my birthday. I caught up on voicemail. I finished my book.”

I seriously laughed out loud at the part where she considers herself “tight”.  Seriously?  Um, yeah.  Building a garage to house 20+ vehicles which is attached to your Scottish castle really has me feeling like you are the poster child for frugality there, Ash.  Here’s more from her journal:

“The excitement of my 40th birthday at Skibo, the forced layover in Brussels, and whirlwind and emotional assault of the day; I was exhausted and a little worried I was starting a 14 day trip this tired. To my surprise, because I am experienced “rester” but necessarily a talented “napper,” I fell asleep for an hour and half. I slept with my pretty new sapphire earrings still in my ears, head perfectly straight on the pillow, ankles crossed. I did not flinch, apparently.”

How do you fill pages and pages of paper/blank screen with impossibly horrible tales of woe about victims of genocide and rape and all sorts of other heartbreaking stuff, and literally in the SAME JOURNAL ENTRY express glee about your happy little birthday party or your new sapphire earrings??!

It’s precisely this kind of crap that leaves me feeling at a loss that she still has so many people snowed. 

Help me spread the word, mockers.

HATE.

Week after week, we continue to have people googling “armpit licking” in order to get to this site.  I still don’t understand this utterly bizarre fetish and likely never will, but what I do understand is that Ashley Judd continues to like to show her armpits to everyone.  See also here.

Apparently, Ashley just completed her 3 week trip to Rwanda and to the Democratic Republic of Congo, and she marched on over to the Today Show to tell Kathie Lee Gifford all about it.  There’s video, but other than a few moments when Kathie Lee totally goes off on some crazy tangents and Ashley looks kind of irritated at her, it’s not very mockable.  In fact, I’ll even admit that she is actually quite tolerable in it - and seems more geniune in it than I’ve seen her in quite a while.  (Damn it, Shannon - this is all your fault.) 

Anyway, rather than posting video I can’t mock, I thought I’d provide a little treat to all the armpit lickers.  Now you’ve got spankbank material.  You’re welcome.

Bunny uncovered this gem of a photo yesterday.  And Ernie, before you get all upset that Ashley Judd is being disparaged again, I want you to know that I’m fully aware that this is a photograph of her helping to show poor disadvantaged people the proper use of condoms.  So technically, that means she’s being a humanitarian and selfless and all that.

But come on!!! This picture is priceless. It’s not often you come across a photo of Ashley Judd licking her lips and gleefully clasping her hands together right next to a huge dong.

LOVE. IT.

So an anonymous astute and alert MockDocker sent me a note suggesting I do some digging around about Ashley and Dario’s income versus the amount they spend on charity versus the amount that they spend on homes. 

While it’s tough to get specifics on that sort of thing, I did come across an article about parking spaces in the UK. 

What’s parking got to do with Ashley and Dario, you ask?  Well, I’ll tell you.  Parking isn’t a problem when you’ve got miles of land in TN.  But according to the article, parking is relatively limited in the UK.  Which is a problem when you’ve got a fleet of Ferraris and Porsches and motorcyles on both continents, as Ashley and Dario do. And seeing as how they have their own CASTLE in Scotland (on which they spent roughly six million dollars) and castles aren’t known for their garages, they decided to install a stacking parking system with room for about 20 cars in their home, otherwise known as Rednock Castle in Perthshire.  Computer sensors allow him to store cars just inches apart. Isnt that handy?  Happily, they seem to have plenty of room to store their helicopters as well.  Thank goodness!

Next time you see Ashley in an interview or on tv bemoaning the poor conditions in third world countries and pleading with ordinary people like you and me to send money to all of her causes, just remember this post.