The Mock Dock

The wait is over, Mockdockers.  The sleepless nights, the wondering, the agonizing over whether or not the Kinoki Foot Pads would ever reach me – it’s finally come to an end. 

THEY HAVE ARRIVED.

I will test one out tonight, but wanted to provide you with a true play-by-play update.  The kind you’ve come to expect from me.  And that means you need to know everything about these foot pads.  For instance, you need to know that it cost SIXTEEN DOLLARS to ship them.  They were shipped regular mail, and it took approximately eight weeks to get here.   So I think it’s safe to assume that Mr. Kinoki-san is sitting in some palace somewhere mocking me for buying into this crap.

Anyway, my first impression, after removing one pad from its sterile protective envelope (pictured above) is that they REEK.  And, you can see that there is like a smaller square of stuff sort of within the big square.  To ensure that I was providing you all with the most in-depth reporting possible, I tore a little hole into that square of stuff to check it out.  And it’s basically dirt.  Like the kind of dirt that you empty out of your vacuum cleaner.  Only stinkier.

The amount of faith I have that applying vacuum dirt to the bottom of my foot will make me feel like a superhero is approximately equal to the amount of faith I have that Ashley Judd will cease to be mentioned by Nascar.  Minus pi.

So basically very little faith.

Nevertheless, I made a promise to my 17 faithful readers that we would follow through with this first ever MockDock experiment, and I intend to do just that.  Check back tomorrow, when you’ll see photographic evidence of what the foot pad looks like after I peel it off. 

Let the good times roll.

Don’t get too excited.  Even though this is the first official report, I still haven’t gotten them yet.  BUT, I do have news to share about my first ever Kinoki Customer Service Experience.

So, remember how I told you that if you call their 1-800 number you’re just prompted to leave a message which is then promptly never returned?  Yesterday, I decided to try the number again.  And lo and behold, I was greeted by a new message, which said something along the lines of this:

“Thank you for calling Kinoki.  Your call is important to us.  Our representatives are currently handling other customer calls, but please hold the line and you will be connected to the first available representative.”

Which sounds promising, right?

Until a second voice came on and said, “Your approximate wait time is 35 minutes.”

Even though that’s completely ridiculous, I decided Hey! I have speakerphone.  I will just lay the phone next to me and busy myself with other things until they answer.  So that’s what I did.  And as promised, approximately 30 -35 minutes later, the most annoyed, bored, and life-hating person answered.  Our conversation went a little something like this:

Life Hating Person (LHP): (practically inaudibly) Kinoki can I help you.

Me: Yeah – I was calling to check on…

LHP: (interrupting) What’s your zip code?

Me: (Gave my zip code)

LHP: Name?

Me: Mockarena (only obviously I gave him my real name – but wouldn’t it have been cool if I’d said Mockarena and he’d said, “NO WAY – I love your site so much!” and then told me he was giving me a year’s supply of Kinoki Foot Pads for free?  Yeah – it would have. But here’s what he really said:)

LHP: Soooo….what do you want to know?

Me:  Um, well, so I placed this order like 6 weeks ago…

LHP: (interrupting) So what do you want to know about it?

Me: <begin sarcasm> I don’t know – I was thinking you and I could just talk for awhile.  You know – get to know each other a little bit.  What are your hopes and dreams?  What are your secret fears? <end sarcasm>  What do you THINK I want to know about it?

LHP: Your order is supposed to ship tomorrow.

Me: So supposing that it does.  When might I expect it to actually arrive?

LHP: 2 weeks.

Me:  <begin sarcasm>  You’ve been a tremendous help.

LHP:  (hangs up on me)

If this is any indication of what to expect from the actual results of the foot pads, I think we’re all going to be disappointed.  Stay tuned.

Remember how I promised you that we’d be doing a Mockdock experiment on the Detox Foot Pads  a few weeks ago?  Well, my first report is this:

THEY STILL HAVEN’T FREAKING COME YET.

I was told after my order was confirmed that it would take 2-4 weeks for them to be shipped.  Monday marks 4 weeks, so if they don’t come Monday, I will be raising some serious hell with the Kinoki Customer Service people – I’ll be sure to tell them that my tens of readers are just as disappointed as I am.

So while watching TV today with my husband, we saw an ad for the most bizarre product ever (well, 2nd most bizarre if you count kitty wigs).  And, because I am a complete sucker for even the most ridiculous marketing ploys, and my husband apparently is also, we BOUGHT said product.  Let me just frame this up for you.

The commercial showed people putting on these patch-like bandaid thingies on the soles of their feet before going to bed.  And then, when they wake up, they take these thingies off, and the thingies are COVERED with black gooey grossness, which is supposed to be all the horrible toxins and poisons which are running through your bloodstream.  And these thingies are supposed to work because of all the acupuncture reflexology pressure points in your feet.  And if you use these pads daily, then after about a week or so, they become less and less black and gooey, as your body becomes less and less toxin-filled.  And once you’re less toxin-filled, you apparently feel awesome and you sleep better and have more energy and you basically become a super hero.

I am not making this up.  My husband and I looked at each other, and he said, “We must have those”.  This is why we are married.  So they are on order, and I’ve decided to chronicle our results right here on MockDock.  For all 12 of our faithful readers.

The Kinoki Detox Food Pads are expected to arrive within a week or two.  I will alert you upon their arrival and let you know how gross they are after the first night.