I don’t know if you guys have heard this or not, but Roseanne Barr went OFF on her blog the other day, and the victims ranged from Jon Voight to Glen Beck to the demi-gods themselves (Brad and Angelina). And it wasn’t like a normal person expressing a political opinion - it was full on crazy psycho talk. I didn’t bother posting it earlier, because it’s completely wacked out stuff and she should clearly be committed, but today, I am bringing it up because Jon Voight has written a rebuttal. If you’re so inclined, I’m sure you’re all resourceful enough to go have a look at Roseanne’s meltdown at her website. As for Voight’s letter, it’s after the jump. It’s well-written and coherent, which means Roseanne likely won’t be able to make heads or tails of it. Personally, I don’t think her drivel warranted any kind of response, but respond he did, and I’m sure this won’t be the last we’ll be hearing about this fight.
So in INDIANAPOLIS news today, Sandy Allen, the world’s tallest woman at 7 ft 7 in, has died at age 53. What the??? How have I lived here forever and not ever seen her? I mean, it’s not like you wouldn’t be able to spot her in a crowd.
Our adorable governor, Mitch Daniels, said that he’d met her twice, and that “then, and from a distance, I admired very much the way she handled a uniquely difficult situation with uncomplaining grace.” Our governor is like, the cutest little kermit person EVER. The kind of adorable where I TOTALLY want to put him right in my pocket, and get him out every now and then to perch him on my shoulder and feed him a saltine cracker. LOOK AT HIM.
Anyway, a really really really tall lady that our governor met twice died today. Sad.
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I’ve gotten like 62 messages about the crazy dog cloning woman I posted about a few days ago. So clearly, you are all very interested in hearing our thoughts about the latest development, being, of course, that this lady had a mormon missionary man slave 31 years ago.
So the story goes that she met a mormon missionary man in college, and when he went off on his missionary trip, she followed him, and with the help of a friend, abducted him and handcuffed him to a bed in some house and forced him to have all kinds of relations of a sexual nature with her. She said at the time, “I loved him so much that I would ski naked down Mount Everest in the nude with a carnation up my nose if he asked me to.”
She later said that the missionary man was a willing participant and there was no way she could force him to do anything, claiming, “I didn’t rape no 300-pound man. He was built like a Green Bay Packer.”
You guys, I know this is like, a big deal and all, but frankly I find the whole puppy cloning thing waaaaay more alarming than her sexual exploits. The chick is flat crazy, no question about it.
My favorite part of this article is the end, where some dude who knew of this crazy chick back in the day, said, “She’s ugly as sin now, but sure enough, that’s her.” LOVE.
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When the mighty fall, and not even just fall….but descend into hell multiple staircases at a time, tumbling down down down into a burning abyss of adulterous fire. And by “mighty” we of course mean the lecherous, despicable, $400-haircut-getting DOUCHEBAG known widely for his tearful pleas for the unborn in our courts of law, John Edwards.
THIS IS SO AWESOME. Today, he has finally confirmed what the NATIONAL ENQUIRER (way to go, AP) broke weeks ago - and that is that he cheated on his cancer-stricken wife in 2006. BUT before you start drinking the John Edwards Hatorade, he had a few TOTALLY LEGITIMATE excuses, including but not limited to:
1. He didn’t love the other woman.
2. His wife’s cancer was in remission at the time.
3. The affair didn’t last all that long.
4. He is ONE THOUSAND PERCENT SURE he is NOT the father of her baby, Maury.
AND, he told his wife about the affair. So see? Really, all should be forgiven.
KIDDING! He should get totally, mercilessly dragged through the mud for YEARS for this, and to all of those who supported him as a presidential candidate? Nice. Nice choice. For Pretty Boy’s entire statement, click through the jump. It’s priceless. He says he’s been “stripped bare”, so if we want to beat him up, we should feel free. I think stripping bare was the whole problem to begin with.
Brett Favre. Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on what’s going on with his coming out of retirement, except for what Mr. Mock has tried to explain to me, but here’s what I have gathered so far.
Brett Favre retired, with all kinds of tearful, emotional announcements and tons of fanfare, approximately four months ago. And now, Brett Favre is all, “Waaah! I don’t wanna be retired!” and now he’s throwing a tantrum about wanting to be back with Green Bay. And apparently the latest is that they have just reinstated him, but possibly only to be back up to the new quarterback (who by the way ought to be PISSED OFF at all of this nonsense) but as backup he will still earn 12 million dollars, and now there is talk that he’s going to be pissy if he’s just backup and might try to get traded, and all of it just sounds like he’s being a big fat crybaby.
I have never been a fan, (although I did totally get weepy at his tearful announcement) but now, I’m as far away from being a fan as you can be. I’m like the polar opposite of fan. I’m the anti-fan. Brett Favre, you’re being a jerk, and you should learn to pronounce your last name the way it’s spelled.
UPDATE - 8.7.08: Brett is going to the New York Jets, because the Packers are sick of him. I hope the Jets enjoy his going in and out of retirement like 78 more times.
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Ok I realized I just sort of slammed her in the previous post, but I must give her MAD PROPS for playing along with the good folks at funnyordie.com to make this parody on the McCain ad. LOVE LOVE LOVE.
UPDATE: OMG guess what! When asked for comment about this video, the Obama camp’s rep emailed, “Whatever” and McCain’s camp’s rep said the following brilliant brilliant thing:
“It sounds like Paris Hilton supports John McCain’s ‘all of the above’ approach to America’s energy crisis - including both alternatives and drilling. Paris Hilton might not be as big a celebrity as Barack Obama, but she obviously has a better energy plan.”
LOVE!!!
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I just read an article about how docs in Australia are growing increasingly concerned about cinics which offer various vaginal area procedures to women. Apparently, there is a trend towards these kind of procedures which include “vaginal rejuvenation, revirgination, designer vaginoplasty and G-spot amplification”.
I am not making this up. You can actually become “revirginized” or you can ”amplify your G-spot,” all for the low low price of around $10k.
Anyway, the concerned Australian folks say that there are all sorts of risks associated with these procedures, which include things like scarring and disfigurement, infection, or dyspareunia. (I know. I had to look it up too.)
So these concerned Australian doctors are suggesting that these procedures may “exploit vulnerable women” and “might prey on people with insecurities and fears who actually need psychological help.”
Well, thanks Australian doctors. If you hadn’t said that, I would never have guessed that a woman who would pay ten grand to VOLUNTARILY have any part of her vaginal area knifed into miiiight be in need of psychological help.
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Apparently Liz Taylor is in the hospital recovering from some heart trouble. Reading about her made me think about this priceless video of her. Again. I’m sure I speak for all of us mockdockers when I howl, “Liz - get well soooooooooooooooooooooon.”
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Remember when I posted about Chief Bratton before? Well, I continue to love him, and he continues to say the best stuff ever. Today, he said that the whole paparazzi issue has calmed down substantially since “Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody anymore, thank God, and evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don’t seem to have much of an issue.” How great is that?
He was speaking about some dumb proposal that creates really dumb, completely unenforceable laws to crack down on the paparazzi, when in fact, it’s the celebrities themselves causing much of the commotion. He said further, “If the ones that attract the paparazzi behave in the first place, like we expect of anybody, that solves about 90 percent of the problem. The rest we can deal with.“
You can just tell how much he loves celebrities, can’t you? I mean, the love is just ooooozing out of him. I totally agree with him, except that it’s kind of a bummer for us at the Mock Dock when celebrities behave.
How much do you love that he totally called out Lindsay Lohan for “going gay”? SO great.
LOVE.
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A new song by Ludacris has been leaked, and it’s like, totally offensive on so many levels. And you know what I thought when I read it? What a total and complete freakout people would have if someone white ever uttered anything even remotely similar to this drivel. Let’s imagine, if you will, someone like Toby Keith writing lyrics saying that Obama is is mentally handicapped or that he is a b*&tard who’s irrelevant or that he doesn’t belong in any chair unless he’s paralyzed. Do you realize the public WRATH that Toby Keith would have to face? He’d be ostracized and there would be media outrage and it would be the top news on every media outlet for like a year.
Fortunately for Ludacris, he lives in a country that allows him to spew this garbage. Unfortunately for everyone on The Mock Dock, I’m subjecting you to it.
Lyrics: I’m back on it like I just signed my record deal
yeah the best is here, the Bentley Coup paint is dripping wet, it got sex appeal
never should have hated
you never should’ve doubted him
with a slot in the president’s iPod Obama shattered ‘em
Said I handled his biz and I’m one of his favorite rappers
Well give Luda a special pardon if I’m ever in the slammer
Better yet put him in office, make me your vice president Hillary hated on you, so that b^$&%* is irrelevant
Jesse talking slick and apologizing for what?
if you said it then you meant it how you want it have a gut!
and all you other politicians trying to hate on my man,
watch us win a majority vote in every state on my man
you can’t stop what’s bout to happen, we bout to make history
the first black president is destined and it’s meant to be
the threats ain’t fazing us, the nooses or the jokes
so get off your ass, black people, it’s time to get out and vote!
paint the White House black and I’m sure that’s got ‘em terrified McCain don’t belong in ANY chair unless he’s paralyzed
Yeah I said it cause Bush is mentally handicapped
Ball up all of his speeches and I throw em like candy wrap
cause what you talking I hear nothing even relevant
and you the worst of all 43 presidents
get out and vote or the end will be near
the world is ready for change because Obama is here!
cause Obama is here
The world is ready for change because Obama is here!
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