Archive for the 'phooooooooooooot' Category

You Know What I Hate?

Published
by
Mockarena
on August 26, 2008
in phooooooooooooot
. 20 Comments

I hate it when stores are named names which indicate that they sell something specific, and then you go in to the store only to find out that they don’t sell that specific thing at all.  CASE IN POINT:  Wild Birds Unlimited.  If you go into a Wild Birds Unlimited, I submit to you that you should be able to purchase an unlimited number of wild birds.  But you can’t!  You can only purchase bird-related items.  I find this completely unacceptable. 

There are loads of other examples.  Dame suggested two others - Pier One and Pottery Barn.  You can find neither piers nor pottery in either of those stores.

Let me tell you the story that actually inspired this post.  A couple of years ago, I needed a dress.  I don’t even remember what the occasion was, but I recall that the event for which I required a dress was sometime early in the year - January or February-ish.  So I thought, what better place to find a dress than the Dress Barn?  Why, “Dress” is right there in the name of the store!!  They probably have zillions of dresses and nothing but dresses!!

So I went to the Dress Barn and started to walk the aisles, looking for a dress.  I saw skirts, and pants, and pantsuits, and sweaters, and various tops.  I walked further and saw jewelry and shoes and various accessories.  NOWHERE did I see a dress.  So I approached one of the salespeople and had the following exchange:

Me:  Hi.  Can you tell me where I might find your dress section?

Salesperson:  Oh, I’m sorry.  We don’t have any dresses.

Me:  (silent bewildered and somewhat accusatory staring)

Salesperson:  Were you looking for something in particular?

Me:  Yes.  I am looking for a dress.  Am I, or am I not, in The Dress Barn?

Salesperson:  Yes, this is The Dress Barn.  Ordinarily, we get dresses in stock in time for Easter and Christmas.  We don’t always carry dresses.

Me:  May I suggest that you change the name of your store then, to Everything But Dresses Barn?  Because this is like, total false advertising.

Salesperson:  (silent deathstare)

Me:  I bid you good day.

Seriously.  How do you even justify calling yourself The Dress Barn unless you are chock full of dresses ALL THE TIME!?

I asked Holmes if he could think of similar examples…and all he could come up with was this:

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This Is What We Saw At A Picnic Today

Published
by
Mockarena
on August 24, 2008
in phooooooooooooot
. 6 Comments

My 2.5 year old was born enormously prematurely, and spent 8 weeks in NICU, growing meat on his bones and figuring out how to do important stuff like breathe and eat and maintain normal body temperature before he could come home.  One of the privileges he gets as an NICU graduate is an invitation to the annual NICU Reunion picnic held each summer.  Today, we went.  And this landbeast is the first thing we saw.  My mom was with me, since Mr. Mock is traveling, and I said, “Mom - hold mini-Mock’s hand a second - I gotta take a picture for the mockdock.”  

This is the extent to which this blog has infiltrated my life.

Anyway, this enormous person was sitting, in the middle of the lawn, watching people sign in, and inexplicably wearing a plastic firehat.  She wasn’t the only attraction at the event - we also saw a grown woman in short shorts with more cellulite than I have ever seen on a person IN MY LIFE cut in line in front of masses of excited and eager children, to ride a pony.  I would have taken photos of the mount and dismount for you, but admittedly was so jarred by what I was seeing that I completely forgot.  I can’t tell you how much pity I had for that pony.  I watched, mesmerized, as one of the volunteers helped this woman dismount the poor creature, and it was literally in stages - like, her legs first, and then all of the cellulite from her legs followed, and then her torso, and then the subgut from her torso, and then her arms, and then the flaps under her arms.  It was that bad.  And what the hell?  The ride was for KIDS.  She was older than I am, for crying out loud. 

Next year, I’ll be sure to be on the lookout for PonyRider McCellulite early, and will capture the horror on film for you all.  Promise.

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How Much Would It Suck To Be A Phone Repairman In India?

Published
by
Mockarena
on August 22, 2008
in Mockery and phooooooooooooot
. 7 Comments

Would you LOOK at this rat’s nest of wire?  This is what the back of our entertainment center or our computer desk would look like if I was allowed to touch anything in my house that has electrical cords involved.  Mr. Mock is like, one of the most organized and precise people I know when it comes to stuff like this.  In fact, I guarantee that he sees this picture and immediately either gets a migraine from seeing something so disorderly, or he will start trying to find the source of the knot.

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She Was Evil…But I Loved Her.

Published
by
Mockarena
on August 20, 2008
in phooooooooooooot
. 15 Comments

 

It’s nearly the one year anniversary of the day I had to put my beloved cat, creatively named Kitty Kitty, to sleep.  I thought it appropriate to write a tribute post in her honor, even though there are maaaaybe two people reading this who will care.  But that’s the beauty of being one of this site’s owners - I get to write about whatever I want and you can’t stop me.  Mnaaa!

Anyway, I adopted Kitty Kitty from the Humane Society in January of 1988 when she was just 4 weeks old.  Four weeks, coincidentally, is about the same amount of time that Kitty Kitty was friendly to people.  It took her no time at all to decide that people were, for the most part, total jerks with whom she was being forced to share the planet, and that the lone exception was me, who she merely tolerated.  Barely.  Even Bunny, who loves animals more than anyone I know - couldn’t get through to her.  Bunny could have covered herself with catnip and held two open cans of tuna out to Kitty Kitty, and still gotten scratched and hissed at, or worse - ignored.  There’s nothing worse than cat contempt.

Like all cats, Kitty Kitty had her quirks.  I once heard her making noise in my hall bathroom, went in to see what all the fuss was about, and couldn’t find her anywere.  I looked in the tub, looked behind the toilet, looked in every possible cat-enticing corner, and…nothing.  It wasn’t until I glanced in the mirror that I noticed the reflection of her TEETERING ON TOP OF THE DOOR. She had jumped from the counter to the top of the door, which is approximately an inch and half wide, for no reason, except to cause me to get up off the couch.  This is how bitchy she could be.

Kitty Kitty started her midnight howling once she hit 19 years of age.  This was the most aggravating, horrible noise you can imagine.  Worse that that cat-puking sound - you know, when they start that gulping noise and you know you’re about to have a tuna-covered hairball deposited on either your bed pillow or the lightest colored carpeting in your house?  Yeah - worse than that.  To this day, I have no idea how it was even physically possible for a sound that loud and that permeating to come out of such a scrawny cat.  Scrawny, that is, except for the flap of belly pooch that would swing back and forth whenever she ran.  (She gets that from me).

Kitty Kitty developed cancer in her mouth and was put to sleep at home, in my arms, just four months before she was going to be the big 2-0.  You guys, I am not ashamed to say I SOBBED.  Like choking, sputtering, guttural sobs.  19 years is a long time to have a cat, especially one that hates everybody.

She was evil…but I loved her.

p.s.  Dame also lost her old cat at about the same time I lost Kitty Kitty.  August of 2007 was not a good month for mockdock cats.  RIP, mockdock cats.  RIP.

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I’m just sayin’…this might be because of me…

Published
by
Dame Aufschneider
on August 19, 2008
in phooooooooooooot
. 8 Comments

So, the Internets are saying this evening that the two pictured above are back together. Let me back up for all of you know don’t know who this is. These are the two stars of the movie “The Notebook,” which is a movie-adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks book.

*Dorky Confession: I am a total girlie girl about Nicholas Sparks books. I have read almost all of them. I turn to mush from these stories. Aw jeeze…I am so going to get made fun of for this.

Anywhoo, the two stars, Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams (see above) FELL IN LOVE during the making of this movie. Which is so cheese-alicious that I can’t barely stand it. When I was planning my wedding, I remember that she was on the cover of a bridal magazine. So that tells me that she totally thought things with Ryan-O would take off. But, alas, they broke up. The news today is that things are back on.

And this is where I come in. Good things are happening in my life right now people. My husband got the job of his freaking dreams, I am starting back to get another degree, we are moving which is exciting, and basically everyone in my life has something fabulous going on right now (you know who you are).

So, when I read this story about these two star-crossed lovers, I KNEW that my good-vibes reached to Hollywood-Land. Here’s why: Totally randomly and without reason, I watched the Notebook this weekend. I know that Ryan and Rachel have only ME to thank. My cheesy, giddy, happy-go-luckiness watched the two of them embrace and now they are reaping the benefits. To them, I say, “You’re welcome.”

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You Know What I Hate?

Published
by
Bunny
on August 19, 2008
in General Observation, Mockery, Product Watch and phooooooooooooot
. 13 Comments

These bizarre-looking new school buses.  They look like scary, futuristic, Battlestar Galactica-ish transport vehicles.  They have lost all their “old school” charm and are, frankly, totally creepy.  If I were a small child I would be terrified to board one for fear that doing so would be like entering the Twilight Zone.  But then, I also have a completely irrational fear of street cleaners, so maybe I am overreacting.

Speaking of school buses and schoolchildren and school, you know what else I hate?  The 25mph speed limit in school zones.  Even in HIGH SCHOOL zones, where the students themselves drive like complete maniacs.  When I was in school, we children had to fend for ourselves.  We actually had to look both ways before crossing the street, and obey actual traffic warnings, and use appropriate crosswalks instead of simply plowing into oncoming traffic with reckless abandon.  You know, COMMON SENSE.  Now, I am not suggesting that people drive 50mph in school zones.  BUT - I will say that I am so obsessed with not wanting to get a speeding ticket in school zones that I am barely watching the road at all, because my eyes are totally glued to my speedometer.  Can you imagine the irony of running over a gaggle of schoolchildren because you were watching your speedometer instead of the road because you weren’t supposed to go over 25mph or you would get a speeding ticket, all in the name of keeping our schoolchildren safe?

Perhaps I should start using the public bus system.  That is, as long as they aren’t those creepy new buses.

I have spent WAY too much energy on this post.

Safe travels to you all!

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Random Cat + Random Spaghetti = Best TV MOMENT EVER!

Published
by
Mockarena
on August 19, 2008
in phooooooooooooot
. 2 Comments

You guys. This is like, the best 1 minute and 7 seconds of TV ever. I soooo love Joel McHale anyway, but the randomness of this clip makes me giggle SO MUCH, even more so than my usual Joel McHale giggliness.

I defy you not to laugh.

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Indiana State Fair: Day Two Sightings

Published
by
Mockarena
on August 17, 2008
in phooooooooooooot
. 8 Comments

Another great day at the fair was had by me and Mr. Mock, Bunny and Mr. Bunny, and Holmes and the future Mrs. Holmes (that’s right, ladies - he’s TAKEN NOW!).  In addition to eating ourselves practically into oblivion, we had the privilege of sharing the fairgrounds with these interesting characters:

She is either trying to color coordinate herself with her lemon shake-up, or she is actually becoming a lemon shake-up.  Jury’s still out.

See this girl in pink?  I don’t know if you can fully appreciate it from this photo, but this girl’s hair was pulled back in the tightest pigtails ever captured on film.  Bunny even remarked that she was surprised the girl could chew without actually having her scalp detach itself from her skull. 

Then we saw one of those uber-motherly types pushing her kid around in a stroller:

Seriously.  Stilettos?  To the fair?

Lastly, the superfly super macdaddy pimpmaster machine was spotted helping himself to some hot apple dumplings.  Perhaps stiletto mom was an employee?

I love love love love the state fair.  LOVE.

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Why?

Published
by
Bunny
on August 14, 2008
in Eeeew, Freak, General Observation, Mockery and phooooooooooooot
. 11 Comments

Why why why why WHY do women do this???  Why do they subject themselves to the torture of ripping perfectly good eyebrow hairs from their follicles, only to then DRAW THEM BACK ON???  I mean, I can understand shaping…contouring…manicuring.  But this?  No.  I do not understand. And as someone who has the worst “hair genes” on the planet and is desperately lacking in the eyebrowular area, this process confounds my mind and infuriates my soul.

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You Know What’s Totally Awesome?

Published
by
Mockarena
on August 12, 2008
in phooooooooooooot
. 12 Comments

When really good stuff happens to really good people.  Isn’t that the greatest?  Case in point:  Dame’s husband was just selected as FIRST PICK for a local fire department.  This is a person who, long before he ever even APPLIED to be a fireman, you would look at and say, “You know what that guy should do for a living? Fight fire.  That dude would totally kick fire’s ass.”  He just has that look about him.  And now, his dream of fighting fires, and rescuing cats from trees, and tending to emergencies of all sorts is finally becoming a reality.  He is going to be tied for the best fireman ever (sharing that honor with Bunny’s husband).

Anyway, the cutest thing is that he totally cried like a girl when he got the call from the Fire Chief with the good news.  It’s been like MONTHS of excruciating agonizing waiting to find out - so it was like one of those cries that you have when you’re so happy and relieved all at the same time that your body doesn’t know what else to do but cry.  And Dame promptly video taped him telling his family, her family, their friends, etc.  and everyone of them totally cried.  And Bunny and I totally cried watching them all cry on video, because it’s just the BEST THING EVER when really good stuff happens to really good people.  And Dame and Mr. Dame are so genuinely impossibly good that you almost just want to punch them in the face, except that if you did they would probably just look at you and go, “Awww - come here and give me a hug, you!” so instead you just end up loving them even harder.  THAT is how good they are. 

Anyway, the community officially just got a little more safe from fires last night.  CONGRATS TO MR. DAME!!!

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