The Mock Dock

Can someone please help me understand that one-shoe-in-the-road phenomenon?

What IS that? Under what possible circumstances do you lose one shoe in the middle of the road?

As I’ve left work for the past couple days, I keep noticing that there’s this one lonely shoe on the road that leads out of my office, and every time I pass by it, I wonder how it could have gotten left behind without a) someone noticing or b) the matching shoe.

Have you ever lost one shoe, outside your home-ular area?  Because I need to know how this happens with such frequency.

When leather thigh high stripper boots don’t send a clear enough message, go clear thigh high stripper boots.

YOU GUYS! The shoes have arrived! The ones that I ended up getting for $9.99 from ebay!!! The ones I told you about right here! And they are PERFECTION. And in black already, so I don’t have to mess with dye or any of that nonsense. They are ready-to-wear.

I promised pics. And they are below. You know what cracks me up? I was thinking that I better write, “Ignore the mess in my closet and the fact that I haven’t vacuumed it yet this weekend” and then I realized that the entire community of mockdockers not only knows what the inside of my closet looks like, but you all know that it’s perpetually messy, too. And oddly, there is something strangely comforting about that.

Anyway, ignore the mess in my closet. And ignore the fact that I haven’t vacuumed yet this weekend. JUST LOOK AT THE SHOES, and how they can totally go with fancy dresses or dressed down in jeans. THEY ARE PERFECTION.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! I love shoes. Especially when they’re $9.99.

Hey, remember last week when I told you about that pair of shoes from Kohl’s that I wanted? And how Daisy convinced me to order the blue ones and just dye them black? And how I went ahead and ordered the blue ones?

Yeah. This is the email I got from Kohl’s this weekend:

“We’re sorry, but we’ve modified Order Number 48#### for the following reason(s): 48####?!?!?: System Cancellation. Your changes are reflected in the Order Summary below. Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience. Any Kohl’s Gift Card(s) you used for this purchase have been restored to the value they held prior to this order (see details below). Additionally, your credit card has not been charged for the cancelled item(s).”

Can you even believe that? So what they were basically telling me is, “Hey Mock! We know you were going to try and sneak dye these shoes, and so you can suck it. We’re not sending them to you.”

So you know what I did? I looked on ebay and found a pair of display ones, IN BLACK, for $9.99. In my size. Miraculously. Now, it says that there are little holes drilled in the bottom (where the security/display tag thingy gets attached) and that one of the heels is slightly scuffed, but in the pictures they looked fine, and they were TEN DOLLARS, and so I bought them.

I will alert you when they arrive, because I know that right now, my shoes are All. You. Can. Think. About.

BEHOLD: Our post-lunch IM chat:

Mock: I was just at Kohl’s and saw the most fabulous shoe on display, which was my size, in the color I wanted, and it had no match, and they are now discontinued. And to top it all off, it was super comfortable. HATE.
Daisy: Why on earth would that horrific place torture you like that? BASTARDS.
Mock: I KNOW! I even looked on line – they have them available in blue, but I don’t want blue.
Daisy: You should write a letter, threatening to sue with a shoe lawyer for your obvious pain and suffering. Seriously. Shoe lawyers exist, right? I mean, they have lawyers for everything these days.
Mock: They SHOULD. We should be shoe lawyers.
Daisy: We totally should.
Mock: You would be the most compassionate and understanding shoe lawyer ever…
Daisy: We could have a joint practice….
Mock: …and you wouldn’t let Kohl’s do this kind of crap…
Daisy: SHOESUE.com
Mock: …because YOU UNDERSTAND THE PAIN.
Daisy: I do.
Mock: SHOESUE – - HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Daisy: Between them having a clothing line sponsored by Ashley McKnowItAll and the shoe thing, we may have to boycott Kohl’s.
Daisy: Again…..BASTARDS
Mock: Look at them and imagine their awesomeness in black:

Daisy: Ok those are adorable. Are you getting them online?
Mock: No – they don’t exist anymore in black, only that dark blue, which I have no use for.
Daisy: T-straps are totally flattering on everyone, too.
Mock: And they’re super soft suede – they’re SO COMFY
Daisy: I don’t know – I’d probably get the blue, then buy an outfit to go with them. But I’m weird like that.
Mock: HA
Mock: That’s a pretty limiting blue, unless you just do jeans and a white top.
Daisy: My Mom bought turquoise shoes once, when I was a kid, and then said, “now I have to find a fabulous outfit to wear with them.” This is obviously where I get my sickness.
Mock: HA
Daisy: You could totally wear those shoes with red, white, or black.
Mock: I don’t know if I can describe for you how comfy and fabulous the lone single black shoe was. I wonder if I could buy the blue ones, and then DYE them.
Daisy: I found the perfect white blouse like two weeks ago, and it had makeup all over it. And there was no guarantee it would come off. And they only offered 10% off, which was completely and totally lame.
Mock: That IS lame
Daisy: So I walked away and almost cried. I feel your pain.
Mock: YES – THIS is the pain.
Daisy: OMG. You COULD dye them.
Mock: I could???? You can do that? How do you do that?
Daisy: You could dye them. Or call Candie’s corporate and bitch about how you want them in black and SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE in the United States has to have a pair. I just don’t believe that they don’t exist.
Mock: I already wrote Kohl’s and am waiting for a reply. They’re the only distributor for Candie’s. And if they HAVE the one shoe, then SOMEWHERE there’s the other, and it’s got to be IN THAT STORE.
Daisy: You’re right! I mean, did it just get up and walk away? I think not.
Mock: Exactly
Daisy: Again….BASTARDS.
Mock: I love that you will spend this much time with me discussing shoes.
Daisy: Wait. Holy crap…they’re 22 bucks???? OMG GET THE BLUE ONES.
Mock: Really???
Daisy: You’re crazy if you don’t for 22 bucks. Seriously.
Mock: Can I dye them?
Daisy: Yes. 22 bucks? That’s like lunch. And you could ask a bridal place that dyes shoes if they’d dye them. I bet they would.
Mock: Hmmmmm – I find this idea intriguing.
Daisy: Bridesmaids always wear dyed shoes.
Mock: And black has to be SUPER easy.
Daisy: C dyed the bridesmaid DRESS she wore in my wedding.
Mock: OMG – then SURELY this is an easy feat
Daisy: No lie. It was a royal blue dress….the cut was awesome…..and she loved it, but didn’t want it to be royal blue….so she dyed it black. And wore it a lot, she said.
Mock: Holy crap.
Daisy: You can do this. I’m just sayin.
Mock: Ok. So I should order the blue ones? Should I wait to see if Kohl’s responds first or just do it?
Daisy: Order the blue ones…then order the black ones, too, if they find them. 44 bucks for two awesome, comfortable pairs of shoes? Slam. Dunk. There should be no negotiation here.
Mock: OMG you are SO RIGHT
Mock: I’m doing it.
Daisy: You buy the shoes if they’re under 25 bucks. No questions asked.
Mock: I love you.
Daisy: I am right. I’m not right about most things, but I am usually right about shoes.
Daisy: And I love you. Now go forth and purchase.
Mock: This is like the best IM conversation ever. I may have to Mock it.
Daisy: It kinda is. Ha ha ha ha. You should!

And then a few minutes later:

Mock: Done. Bought. I even got $2.20 off because I found a 10% promo coupon.
Daisy: I’m sending you a text message with a very important life lesson. it’s a picture….should be there in a few.

That’s a plaque which hangs in Daisy’s home office. A commandment, if you will.  Words to live by.

This is why I turn to Daisy in times of shoe crisis.  LOVE.

Yeah – they’re dumb, but this is like the best example of recycling ever.  These are dumb GREEN shoes, if you will.

Al Gore should get some.

It’s my birthday + 7 days! And today, my present from Mr. Mock arrived. BEHOLD:

I’m probably going to wear them to sleep tonight.  Especially seeing as how I can barely WALK in them, so I might as well lounge in them looking fabulous as often as possible.

Seriously how totally FEROCIOUS are these shoes? I’m so totally Vicky B in them.

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me this photo of Beyonce, and I am totally baffled by how someone could put together clothing which looks like it was retrieved from a dumpster, with one of the most fabulous pairs of shoes I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Why would she ruin awesome shoes like this?  Why?

Doesn’t she know it’s my birthday weekend?

You knew it was coming, right? I mean, my birthday was two days ago, which in my world means that it is still happening, which means I will continue to talk about it as long as possible. And since Mr. Mock’s present has not yet arrived, I’ll get to talk about it when it DOES too.

I love birthdays.

ANYWAY, yesterday Bunny and I went shopping and then headed up to Hacienda in Kokomo for my now-annual birthday feast.  We were browsing through Kohl’s, and trying to avoid the smattering of Ashley Judd photos in the cosmetics section.  But I couldn’t help but be momentarily annoyed remembering how she was on the Ellen Degeneres show once, and claimed that her Kohl’s photo advertisements were void of any retouching/airbrushing whatsoever.  She Actually Claimed this.  Let’s review.

Here’s a Kohl’s photo ad:

And here’s Actual Reality:

I don’t think that’s just a difference in make-up, you guys.  But that’s just me.

Anyway, during our browsing, we came across the lingerie section, when the BIGGEST UNDERWEAR WE HAVE EVER SEEN EVER caught our eye.  Along with the biggest bra.  Here is what those items look like compared to Bunny:

The crotch is at her KNEES, you guys.  Now, you would think that seeing those might have encouraged us to have a bit less of an appetite at Hacienda, but you’d be wrong.  We ate ourselves silly.  And I got a birthday sombrero along with my hot chocolate chip cookie with three ice cream scoops and chocolate drizzle dessert:

Have I ever told you guys how much I love Hacienda?

Earlier in the day, I had to take Mini-Mock to get fitted for a tuxedo to wear for J’s wedding next weekend (as you may recall J is Junior-Mock’s caregiver).  Both of the boys are going to be in the wedding!  And while Mini-Mock wasn’t altogether pleased about getting measured (particularly in the shoes – holy crap I don’t know how you boys wear those horrid things), he looked positively EDIBLE:

The lady at the tux shop told me that the cost of rental for the two tuxes was going to be TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY DOLLARS.  Can you even believe that?  I love that both of my boys get to be in the wedding, but I’m officially hoping that they’re not going to be in any more of them in the future.  I even asked the woman what the difference would be to just BUY the tuxes, and it was over double that amount.  They charge $75 for the plain white dress shirt alone.  ROBBERY.

Anyway, it’s worth it just to see how completely PRECIOUS they’re going to look.  I will take lots of pictures.

The birthday continues today at my parents’ house, where I will have my favorite mom-prepared meal, and additional fuss. 

Shirt?  Check.

Shoes?  Check.

Service?  OhdearGodpleaseno.