This week’s episode starts with a bunch of Vienna police cars driving around. I think I’m supposed to know why, but can’t bring myself to care.
Violet and company enter the creepy church to look for Ashley and company. Meanwhile, in the basement of the creepy church, Paul and Ashley are coming to grips with the reality that mentor dude is SUSPECT ZERO OMG. Paul says, “Ugh -I put my life on the line so many times for that guy.” And Ashley says, “We both did.” Because even on a stupid TV show, it always has to be ALL ABOUT ASHLEY.
All of a sudden, ex-boyfriend comes bursting in ready to shoot everyone, but Ashley rushes to his side and tells him all is well. They all get ready to leave, but blonde dude is having pangs of guilt over shooting both of his parents, so Ashley rushes over to him and says, “You didn’t kill Paul! And you didn’t kill me! And you like totes could have!” Which is hilarious, because just as she would in Actual Life, Ashley is demonstrating that it’s really no big deal if he was a psycho murderous wackjob to OTHER people, as long as he was nice to HER.
Blonde dude starts crying and saying his life is over and he wishes Ashley could have been his mom, and she kisses him on the head and tells him to come along with them, but he’s all, “No. My life is over.” And so she tearfully breaks free from him and follows the others.
Because this is the level of writing we’re dealing with.
Violet comes bursting into the basement where blonde dude is still being a big fat crybaby, and asks where Ashley and company went. He ignores her and says, “Don’t you ever get tired of this, Violet?” and then she sees his daddy the oil dude dead on the ground and asks if he did it. When she realizes he did, she says, and I’m not making this up, “That’s not good, Max.” That’s what she Actually Says. He tells her, “I’m like, so over all of this” and points his gun at her, but she shoots him first. And he dies.
Ashley hears the shots and makes this super pained expression, but Paul and exboyfriend urge her to go on. Outside, CIA dude is all, “I’m going in” because he’s clearly missing out on all the action.
Magically, Paul, Ashley and ex-boyfriend find their way out of the basement and burst into the daylight, finding a handy dandy police motorcycle conveniently waiting for them. Ex-boyfriend dramatically grabs Ashley and says, “GO WITH PAUL.” And Ashley says, “Why? I don’t want to go without you.” And he says, “Michael needs to be found by his parents. And then we’ll be together.” And she looks like this:
And then they make out, and Paul sees, and it’s ridiculous.
Ashley and Paul speed off on the motorcycle, and Violet comes out pointing a gun at ex-boyfriend. He holds his hands up and asks to talk to the CIA dude. Violet shoots him. Ashley whips her head around to see him fall to the ground and does this:
I don’t know about you all, but her face looks kinda puffy there. <– (See what I did there?)
Anyway, Violet tells CIA dude that ex-boyfriend shot her first, which is obviously a lie, but CIA dude doesn’t know that Violet is a psychopath yet, so he buys it. It turns out ex-boyfriend isn’t dead though – he’s just super wounded.
Violet tells CIA dude that the local police want to talk to her, and he says, “Only tell them what they need to know.” And she says, “Can I tell them they have stupid uniforms? Because they need to know that.” Which is basically my favorite line from this entire series. Meanwhile, back in the basement, the way that blonde dude is laying is causing CIA people to wonder about Violet’s story. Oooooooooo.
Flash to Michael and Oxana in the van, with mentor in the front seat, which is weird because the van drove off without mentor dude in the last episode, but not weird enough for me to care, because this is the level of writing we’re accustomed to dealing with. Michael is still obsessing about how he killed a dude. Mentor says all sorts of cryptic stuff that’s supposed to have double meaning and be really powerful about how in this business, you might be a good person but it’s easy to cross a line and then be all bad and stuff. Seriously – the Actual Line wasn’t much better than that.
Flash back to Ashley and Paul who are somehow on a city train. He tells her they need to head to Turkey, because “according to his research” (OMG I cannot stop laughing at that) that’s where Martin is heading. Ashley is too busy worried about ex-boyfriend and about what a craptacular mom she is for letting all of this happen to her kid. Paul looks like any husband of Ashley Judd would:
Once they’re off the train, Paul is all, “Hey – we should really start trusting each other and telling the truth now.” And she completely wigs out and is all, “Um – where have you been the last 10 years?” And then they get into a car that is magically waiting for them and drive off.
Flash to CIA headquarters in Vienna, where Violet is having a hissy fit over having her guns taken away by the local police. CIA dude is all, “That’s what you get when you shoot two dudes in 20 minutes.” Some really hot blonde Interpol lady shows up and tells CIA dude that ex-boyfriend sent her and she’s there to help. I know. I have no idea either.
Flash to Michael and Oxana hanging out in the van while mentor talks to Violet on the phone and instructs her not to let ex-boyfriend say anything.
Flash to Ashley and Paul driving with an incredibly fake looking background. He tells her it’s going to take 20 hours to get to Bulgaria. I forget why they’re going there. Whatever. She asks if he’s had any other women in the past 10 years, and he admits he has. Then they get all nostalgic about their little family, and he says he watched them from afar the whole time and she looks pained some more.
Flash to Bulgaria, where mentor, Michael and Oxana are walking down the street talking about getting some fake passports. Flash to Ashley and Paul trying to get across the border. They get through, but then security dude immediately calls mentor to alert him of their arrival and tells him the plate number of the car.
Flash to Vienna. Ex-boyfriend is in a medically induced coma. CIA dude and Violet are at the hospital visiting him. They start to leave, and Violet pretends she left her phone behind so she can try to poison ex-boyfriend. She sets one of his IV’s to pump in a whole bunch more of whatever drug he’s getting than he’s supposed to get.
Flash to CIA headquarters where hot interpol chick is showing satellite images of some stuff I am too disinterested in to write about, but it somehow means that they realize Ashley is telling the truth about whatever they think she was lying about. I forget.
CIA dude gets a phone call from the hospital and they tell him ex-boyfriend is all sorts of dead. Everyone looks appropriately grave and serious, except Violet, who looks kinda smirky, what with her being the reason and whatnot.
Flash to Bulgaria, where Ashley and Paul are sitting outside at a cafe rehashing their whole entire marriage again.
Flash to Istanbul, where mentor, Michael and Oxana are sailing happily on a yacht. I’m not even making that up. They approach some completely kickass mansion where mentor informs them they’ll be staying until they can find Ashley.
Between that place and the castle Michael was held in before, I’d say this was a pretty awesome kidnapping adventure, and he should really be kind of grateful.
Flash to some creepy dude coming out of the fake passport place back in Bulgaria. Ashley and Paul are watching him from a distance. When he’s at a safe distance, they go in, because naturally Paul has a key to the passport place. You know. While they’re rummaging around the passport place, Ashley asks Paul why he had to do the whole blowing up in front of Michael thing when he faked his death. And he said, “It was the only way you’d have believed I died.” And she said, “You’re right.”
GRIPPING.
After opening a total of ONE DRAWER, Ashley stumbles upon copies of mentor, Michael, and Oxana’s fake passports, and then discovers a whole bunch of evidence that mentor is engaging in a big fat sex trafficking scheme, of which Oxana is obviously a victim, and she tells Paul that what Oxana has gone through is probably indescribably horrible, and stops short of telling him about the God Of Her Understanding. But just barely.
Flash to Michael and Oxana and mentor getting off the boat. Some creepy dude extends his hand to help Oxana, and she recognizes him as being pure evil and passes out. They help her to a couch, where she comes around. Mentor tells Michael to go fetch some juice while he gets Oxana some air. When they go outside, mentor says uber creepy stuff to her about how she’s a whore and a slave and that if she keeps quiet he’ll get her a new identity and make sure she can “push out babies” with Michael and live happily ever after. He tells her if she says anything, it’ll put Michael in danger. So she promises she won’t, and then he kisses her on the forehead and says, “Welcome to the family” and it’s all really creepy.
And naturally Michael doesn’t hear any of this, because apparently it takes him a freaking HOUR AND A HALF to fetch juice.
Flash to a sleazy bedroom in which CIA dude and Violet have apparently exchanged some bodily fluids. He’s now on the computer playing with neato CIA graphics. He tells her that Ashley and Paul are being set up and he’s figured out who, but he says all this with his back to Violet. She reaches for a gun and starts to try to shoot him, but there are no bullets. So he turns around and she’s all, “How did you figure this out?” And he explains it, but I don’t care, except that OMG ex-boyfriend is ALIVE and he was totes messing with her when he told everyone that he was dead! She looks pretty freaked by that, and tries to run out, where naturally the other CIA people are there to arrest her. But at least CIA dude got laid one more time, so, you know, we have that.
Flash to Ashley and Paul staking out the passport place again, where they spy the same dude who helped Oxana off the boat go in. Paul’s all, “OMG I totally know him.” When he comes out, Ashley follows him.
Flash to CIA headquarters, where Violet is refusing to speak, and CIA dude is breaking down all of mentor’s novels to try to figure out what he’s doing. He gets a call that he needs to go to Istanbul.
Flash to Istanbul, where Ashley and Paul are still following the Oxana-helping boat dude. They see their car surrounded by all sorts of cops and realize mentor is setting them up and that the car probably is loaded with all sorts of illegal stuff. A zillion guns are pointed that them, but Paul is all, “Hey – go towards that street over there while I create a diversion!” And then he grabs her face and says, “I’ll always love you” and Whitney Houston’s voice bellows in the background.
I made that last part up.
Ashley runs, Paul creates a diversion and ends up being totally arrested by a zillion cops.
Flash to the CIA crew showing up in hazmat gear to check out a train tanker.
Flash to police chasing Ashley. Somehow she gets away like this:
No idea how she got there, of course. She just got there. Because that is the level of writing we’re dealing with.
Flash to the train tanker. It’s empty.
Flash to the mansion, where mentor is lowering whatever radioactive crap the hazmat team was looking for into the sea.
Flash to Paul entering prison. He gets into a wicked fight with a couple of other inmates, and wins, but then the prison guards beat the crap out of him.
Flash to the mansion, where mentor tells creepy helper dude to kill Michael and Oxana if Ashley doesn’t show up soon. He then walks out to hug on Michael and Oxana and says, “Your mom is on her way!” and they’re all smiley and happy looking.
The end.
ONE MORE TO GO!!!!!! And then my nightmare ends.
Recent Comments