The Mock Dock

According to this, Amy Winehouse had to be taken to the hospital due to complications from her $54,000 breast implants, and it’s possible they’ll have to come out, what with her body not reacting to them well and whatnot.

Is it just me, or does anyone else find this COMPLETELY HILARIOUS, considering that her body has reacted amazingly well to cocaine and heroin and God knows what else she’s inflicted upon it? I mean, her body is rejecting SALINE now, you guys.

This has become so uninteresting that I thought twice about posting it, but figured you guys would think I was shirking my celebrity mocking responsibilities if I didn’t provide a bizarre Lady Gaga outfit at least once every few weeks.

P.S.  An alert and astute mockdocker wrote me today saying I hadn’t written about Amy Winehouse in awhile.  And you know what?  You’re RIGHT!  You’ll be happy to know she’s still alive, AND she has new fake boobs.

P.P.S.  Lindsay Lohan is looking positively WRECKED lately:

According to this, Amy Winehouse is pursuing her own line of PERFUME.

Now, of all the possible things Amy Winehouse could try to peddle, would you have ever guessed a FRAGRANCE would be on the list?

Assignment for Mockdockers:  Write a 2-3 line advertisement for Amy’s perfume, which includes in it a description of the smell.  Here’s mine!

New, from Amy Winehouse – Methamphetamology.  A captivating fragrance with undertones of cement, ether and morning breath, this new fragrance from Amy has whispers of sulfer, soft hints of gently aged egg salad, capped off with the delicious aroma of fresh mulch.  You won’t just feel beautiful.  You’ll feel unconscious.  Methamphetamology.  Buy it today at your local dollar store.

Yeah.  Amy Winehouse collapsed in St Lucia this past weekend and was taken to the hospital.  Turns out she was just dehydrated.  You know what?  I’m starting to think that it’s bigger news when NOTHING happens to Amy Winehouse.  I mean, a day when Amy Winehouse just gets up and has a regular day?  That’s NEWS, you guys.

Hey, remember a couple months back when I said that I was pretty sure Amy Winehouse has to be a superhero since she keeps continuing to exist despite every horrible thing she keeps subjecting herself to?

Yeah.  Look at the burn on her leg and try and tell me she’s not a superhero.

According to her reps, Amy spilled a pot of hot pasta on herself.  I don’t believe for one SECOND that Amy Winehouse eats anything, but whatever.  If I had a giant patch of skin burned or otherwise ripped off of my body, you can guarantee that I wouldn’t be frolicking on a sandy beach, smiling and carrying reading material.  I would be on the couch, demanding constant attention and sympathy from Mr. Mock, and basically behaving as though death were imminent.

She’s a superhero,  you guys.  You will not convince me otherwise.

Amy Winehouse, who has not left St Lucia in WEEKS, was hospitalized there on Friday after collapsing and getting a serious case of the shakes.  Her representative stated that she had run out of a “drug replacement” she had been using.

Is there a reason they couldn’t just come out and say “methadone?”  I mean, it’s not like anyone will read that news and think, “Oooo – she must have run out of tylenol – poor thing.”  This is AMY WINEHOUSE we’re talking about.  Actually, the drug replacement  may not have even been methadone – it may have been heroin replacing cocaine or vice versa.

I remain convinced that the only reason she continues to live is because she’s a superhero.  I would, in fact, be more surprised to hear that she died than I would that she leapt a tall building in a single bound.

The Sun is reporting that Amy Winehouse saved the 39 year old woman, pictured above, from drowning.  Apparently the woman was having a sailing lesson when she was thrown out of the boat by a huge wave.  She landed on a bunch of rocks which just happened to be near the stretch of beach where Amy was chilling out.  So Amy raced over to her, helped her to a beach shower, cleaned up her wounded back, and then fetched her some towels.

Later, the two posed together for this photo.

On any given day, I pretty much expect to read that Amy Winehouse has either gotten high, gotten naked, gotten arrested, or gotten killed.  But I never expected this.  When asked about the incident, Amy simply said, “I thought she was gonna drown.”

I’m sure the woman is grateful to Amy Winehouse.  But it’s probably a little embarrassing to have to admit that you got yourself into a predicament that only AMY WINEHOUSE could rescue you from.

…all the photos that are spreading around the internet of Amy Winehouse frolicking around topless in St Lucia are not nearly as frightening as one might have expected, given that just a couple months ago, she looked like this:

I would even go so far as to say that she has nice boobs.  She’s put on some weight, and she’s without all that ridiculous eye make-up, and all in all I would say it’s a huge improvement.  She doesn’t look like she’s on the verge of death or anything!  It’s actually a pretty remarkable turnaround, which I would guess is, at least in part, due to the source of the wristbands she’s sporting in the semi-NSFW pic I’ve put after the jump.

Go on!  See for yourself!  Continue reading ‘All Things Considered…’

Amy Winehouse was apparently hospitalized last night after a drug-induced seizure.  I am in AWE of how she continues to live.

Interestingly, Bunny and I have, on our calendars for Friday at 9.30am, an appointment which reads:  “Check on the living status of Amy Winehouse.”  We set this appointment a year ago, thinking that there was NO WAY she’d make it for an entire year.  And look at her go!  She’s a total superhero.  It’s going to take a lot more than just a measly drug-induced seizure to stop Amy Winehouse.

This is Amy Winehouse’s husband, Blake, who just got out of prison on the condition that he go straight to rehab.  And here’s what he had to say:  “It’s tough inside — bloody horrible, but I’m out and that’s all that matters. It’s brilliant. I’m gonna get myself sorted. I’m gonna get my life back. I’m gonna see my wife and take her knickers down.”

Did you catch that last line?  I’m pretty sure that “take her knickers down” translates into having relations of a sexual nature with AMY WINEHOUSE.

Do people not get to see magazines or tv or God forbid, The MOCKDOCK in prison?  Because if he had seen any or all of those things, he would realize that Amy Winehouse looks like this:

If I was a heterosexual male, you couldn’t pay me enough money to have relations of a sexual nature with that.  Seriously – there is no amount of money that would make that ok.   It kills me that her face is covered in filth, yet she still takes the time to paint her eyeliner on.  I’m not trying to gross you out or anything, but I want you to just close your eyes and imagine for a moment, what sort of shape her vaginular area is in currently.  Because I guarantee you it looks like those Mucinex commercials – where there’s just mucus and germs and infestations of all sorts just hanging out and talking about how awesome the conditions are.

You know what word I hate? Mucus.  I even hate the words that define it:  A slimy, viscous mixture.  I bet your nose is all wrinkled up just reading that, isn’t it?