The Mock Dock

She’s still alive.

You know what I’m starting to think?  That she might actually be a superhero.  There is simply no other explanation for someone who mistreats themselves this badly to still be alive.

Amy Winehouse is still alive.  I repeat.  Amy Winehouse is still alive.

So apparently Britney Spears won not one, not two, but THREE awards for her video “Piece of Me” on the MTV Music Video awards last night.  Let’s be real, people.  There was nothing awardworthy about that video, except perhaps the lengths that people had to go to in order to make her look skinny in it.  Those 3 awards were good old fashioned, “We feel sorry for you, what with you being an insane lunatic and all” consolation prizes.

Do you know what I’ve always hated about her?  The fact that when she laughs, she always sticks her tongue out – like in the photo above.  It’s possible she always grabs her own ass too, but rarely do we get to see the mirrored image for verification, as we do above.

All that said, there’s no denying she’s slowly becoming normal again.  Which sucks for the Mock Dock.  Oh well, we’ve still got Amy Winehouse…

AMY WINEHOUSE IS STILL ALIVE!

I think the fact that she continues to be physically capable of drawing in breath, day in and day out, legitimately makes her some sort of superhero. 

You know who else is a superhero?  This chick that was on Intervention last week – who snorted like 10 cans of duster a day. Yeah – the duster for your computer keyboard.  TEN CANS A DAY.  And apparently, one third of people who TRY an inhalant like that, die the first time they try it.  So the fact that she was emptying 10 cans DAILY I think legitimately makes her every bit as much of a superhero as Amy Winehouse.  See the duster chick below – at about 2 min in they turn it into a Walking on Sunshine music video (which is kind of awesome), but believe me, you’ll have gotten the jist of it well before that.  Enjoy.

Reports are surfacing that Amy Winehouse is back in the hospital, and I didn’t bother to read why because LOOK AT AMY WINEHOUSE.  Her cheek looks like it’s starting to produce cocaine all by itself. 

I am too lazy to find out what circumstances led to Amy Winehouse posing in this way, but I’d like to believe that this is just one of many easy-to-learn steps to a new line dance.  I would like to believe that we’ll all be doing this at weddings within the next 6-12 months.

Far more likely though, is that Amy Winehouse believes someone is standing within kicking distance behind her, and she’s certain that they have refused to give her drugs, even though she has imagined that entire scenario.

Let’s have a caption contest!  GO!

Amy Winehouse elbowed and then punched someone in the crowd while she performed this past weekend in the UK.  And what’s totally awesome is that someone got it on video and then super slo-mo’d it and put it on repeat play.  LOVE.

She’s on the verge of death and totally crazy and all, but I have to give her snaps for calling Kanye West the c-word, which she also did during this performance.  At least she has SOME sense.

Enjoy.

You may recall that I told you several days ago that Amy Winehouse collapsed and was sent to the hospital.  Well, since then there have been reports that she has tuberculosis and that she DOESN’T have tuberculosis, so I haven’t posted either report.  But now, her dad is speaking out about her condition.  And it turns out she has emphysema.  At 24.  Plus, she’s got some lump in her chest and an irregular heartbeat. 

You know who could totally straighten out Amy Winehouse?  Jeff VanVondern.  He is a total badass interventionist who doesn’t put up with her kind of crap.  Do you guys watch Intervention on A&E on Mondays?  You should.  It’s SO GOOD.  And whenever Jeff is on there he says to whatever cracked out meth-head he happens to be trying to intervene about, “Here’s what we’re going to do.  What I see here is a bunch of people who love you like crazy, and they’re going to say some stuff and you can say some stuff and then we can get out of here.” And most of the time, this totally works.  I love him.

p.s.  Dear Jeff VanVonderen – I am available to promote your show.  I will happily do commercials for you and I don’t sound anything like Mindy Winkler.  Please pay me lots of money.  Thank you.

This article talks about how Amy Winehouse’s doctors have told her that if she doesn’t quit drugs, she will die.  This is supposed to be brand new news.

Really?

Pretty much the ENTIRE HUMAN RACE could have told Amy that, even without wearing a white coat or having a degree in doctoring.

I’m going to make a suggestion to all of you that you stay away from doctors in the UK if you are seriously unhealthy.  My bet for tomorrow’s headline:  Doctors In The UK Advise Against Removing All Blood From Your Body, As It Could Cause Severe Illness Or Even Death.

Amy Winehouse was reportedly taken to the hospital after fainting earlier.  My favorite part of the report was when it said, “Doctors are unsure of the cause of the incident and Amy is currently undergoing tests.”

Are doctors in England this stupid for real?  LOOK AT AMY WINEHOUSE.  I think the real question here is  – how the hell is she defying all logic and reason and still breathing at all?  What kind of tests could they possibly be running at this point?  

You know what they need?  They need some sort of anti-autopsy for Amy Winehouse.  Like – a coroner should perform a full body test on her which shows all of the stuff about her body that’s NOT currently contributing to her death.  This would be far more telling, I think.