The Mock Dock

…we have pretty much captured the 3 main levels of tan here.  Ghost, Average, and Charbroiled.

Big Feature McFreakFace was out shopping  and looked like this.  Now, I’m not going to say I hate her dress because I don’t.  It’s kind of adorable.  But she does not have legs.  What Anne Hathaway has are stalks.  Long, shapeless stalks.

Not attractive.

According to Star Magazine, Gigantic McFeatureFace  is considering getting boobular implants.  Because she needs more parts of her body to be noticeable, apparently.

Then again, this is Star Magazine we’re talking about.

You might want to grab some tissues before you read this.

Raffaello Follieri, the dude that used to date Freaky McBigFeatureFace (Anne Hathaway, in case you’re new here) before he got all criminal-tastic, is crying about how much jail sucks.

His attorneys say that the jail conditions are poor, and that the Rafster is having to contend with bad food, bad smells, and unclean potties, and that due to these poor conditions, he’s got a fever and blood in his urine.  Yeah.  You read that right.  Blood in his urine.  Naturally, he’s requesting a transfer.

How much are you crying right now?  Are the tears just flowing? 

Newsflash, Raff – jail is SUPPOSED to suck.

Seriously.  What is with celebrities now dressing like clams and ostriches and other unidentified wildlife?  Frankly, I expected better out of Freaky McHugefeatureface.

This whole get-up makes her skin look corpse-y.

Freaky McBigFace Hathaway was seen on a red carpet (clearly) wearing this dress.  And I am very curious to know what you all think about it.  I have a feeling this is going to get some mixed reviews.  You know what I think about it?

I think it looks like someone was making a dress out of a mound of fabric, and when they were halfway done cutting off the excess fabric, there was an emergency which required their immediate attention, and they left the dress with mounds of fabric still ON it, and someone walked in and found it and thought, “Oh – this must be the way they wanted this dress to be” and took it and gave it to Anne Hathaway as is. 

I won’t say, “HATE” but I will say:

DISLIKE.

Highwaisted stuff.  These shorts are ridiculous.  Now, I’m not going to deny that there might be a tiiiiiiny bit of waist envy here, because I have a really really really short waist.  Such that if I were to wear these shorts, they would come up to my chin.

I know Anne Hathaway is going through a bit of a time, considering her ex-boyfriend is like, a huge criminal and all, but I don’t think that excuses this outfit.

Pursuant to your post of yesterday, Dame – behold: she wears shiny leathery skintight pants. 

I win.

Anne Hathaway.  And I know Dame disagrees with me on this and thinks Anne is lovely, but you guys, every single feature on her entire face is like super-sized, and it’s really starting to get on my nerves.

I mean, it’s one thing to have really great big eyes, and then normal sized everything else.  Then people can say, “Wow – you have SUCH pretty eyes!” and it’s not weird.  Or, a great big smile, for instance.  People will say, “Wow – what a lovely smile you have!” and it’s fine.  But when you take GIANT eyes and a GIANT mouth and, let’s face it, a pretty good sized schnozz…well, that is just too much.

When I look at her, I immediately want to zoom out. 

p.s.  She’s on the cover of In Style magazine this month.  In case you wondered why I thought of her.

I can’t decide what I think about Anne Hathaway. Sometimes I think she is really pretty, but other times, like in this Oscar-arrival photo, it seems to me that most every facial feature that she possesses is like, CRAZY bigger than normal.  Are her ears, eyes, and mouth just bizarrely bigger than your average person’s?  Or is that just me?