The Mock Dock

Someone with flatter pancake boobs than Aretha Franklin!

You guys saw the Betty White ad during the superbowl, right?  It was my favorite, UNTIL I saw this new one, featuring Aretha Franklin and her huge boobs, and Liza Minelli.  LOVE.

I was going to write about all of the fur, but let’s face it, there’s no getting around discussion of Aretha’s boobs.  They are OUT OF CONTROL.   I actually kind of think that her giant fur collar is unnecessary, seeing as how she could just fling one of her boobs around her neck, wrap it around a couple times, and still have boob left to spare.

Aretha needs a stylist.  One who either can instruct her on how to dress without calling attention to the fact that you have giant tube socks in place of boobs, OR one who can provide her with instruction about how to make her boobs more utilitarian.  Why spend money on scarves?  Especially fur ones?

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me this photo, and my first reaction to it was that it must be Aretha Franklin, but then I remembered that Aretha Franklin never wears supportive bras.

Aretha Franklin and her enormously long boobs are 67 years old today.

Many happy returns.

Barack Obama.  Seriously – how much pressure is this country putting on him right now?  He is being treated like the Messiah, and when he can’t deliver, because it’s not humanly possible TO deliver,  just THINK of the backlash.  And I’m not saying this to bash him in any way, because I WANT him to succeed.  We need him to.  But there is no way that any person can live up to the amount of hype that has been created about him.  People are expecting him to cure the world, like yesterday.  No pressure, though, Barack. 

Now then.  On to more important matters – namely, what in God’s name is this hat?  If not for the winter coat, I might have guessed that it was to call attention away from her enormous breastular area.  But clearly, that isn’t the case here.  Aretha is wearing this hat on purpose, in front of perhaps the largest crowd in the history of crowds.  And I submit to you that bows, on ANY accessory or item of clothing, is inappropriate at Aretha Franklin’s age.

I don’t know what it is, but I find this completely hilarious.  You know Frasier just totally looked at Aretha’s boobs, and is wondering to himself, “How the hell does she not require additional seating for those things.”

Something about the two of them sitting next to each other is so ridiculous to me.  What is that hat?  And how many pounds of make-up are actually ON her?

An alert and astute mockdocker sent us this photo of a woman who apparently is in the Guiness Book of World Records for having really crooked knees.

KIDDING.  She’s in there for having boobs the size of small countries.  She’s like a super double ZZZ or something.  Like a bra size that someone just made up out of thin air for lack of having enough actual letters to categorize those monstrosities.

But you know what’s worse?  The email included photos taken at various angles.  And, horrifyingly, there were a couple of photos of those things WITHOUT A BRA to hoist them to waist level.  I’m not going to subject you to the full nakedness, but I do believe it’s important for you to see this:

You know you have big boobs when Aretha Franklin looks flat-chested next to you.

I do not consider myself a huge proponent of plastic surgery, but if there has EVER been a perfect candidate for a breast lift, it would have to be Aretha Franklin.  Except, I’m not even sure if a standard breast lift would even work in this particular situation.  It would have to be more like a breast heave.  I mean, at this point, her nipples are pointing directly south, and if they hosited up each boob and say, stapled them onto her shoulders, there would STILL be enough excess boobage to hang down and create a semi-normal outward facing nipular area.

Clearly I could be of assistance, as a consultant of sorts, to her plastic surgery team.  Due to my scientific background.

In this article which discusses a recent duet album released by legendary and buxom Aretha Franklin, she describes her lack of offers from Hollywood as a result of continuing racism.  She dismisses the fact that Halle Berry and Jennifer Hudson recently won Oscars.

Considering Hollywood’s obsession with weight, I’m pretty sure she’s in denial over why she might not be getting whatever offers she believes she should.  I would suggest that she consider a supportive brassiere and some girdles before playing the race card.