The Mock Dock

…but this looks like the most over-acted, over dramatic, over the top bunch of crap I’ve ever seen.

But what else would you expect with Ashley? This is her new tv series starting up in March. It’s called Missing, in case you want to make a note of what show you should ignore.

If you don’t feel like suffering through the video, here are a couple of my favorite moments:

Abercrombie and Fitch.

I freaking HATE THAT STORE.

And you know what I hate most about it? I’ve never been in one, and yet, I can’t even pass BY one without suffocating from the piles and piles of perfume they have circulating in there. How do people actually SHOP in that store without losing consciousness?

Besides, it’s a clothing store, I think, and yet any ad I’ve ever seen for them EVER is of naked teenagers. Which is another reason I hate them.

And you know what else? If you are over the age of, say, 35, you shouldn’t even be ALLOWED to buy anything for yourself in Abercrombie and Fitch, or Aeropostale, or any of those stupid related stores, because you look like a tool.

I’m sorry if I’ve offended any fans of those stores, but SERIOUSLY. I should be able to walk past them without needing a mask.

But you know the sure fire cure for my irritation with Abercrombie and Fitch? Horrible photos of Ashley Judd. And this one’s brand new!

…but I believe what Ashley is trying to ask her followers is, “Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?”

Holy mother of psychobabble.

BEHOLD:  An earlier tweet:

I’m sure all of those victims are THANKING THEIR LUCKY STARS that Ashley Judd is dedicating her yoga practice to them.  Because a celebrity millionaire’s yoga session is soooo helpful to them.

Some completely awesome person responded to her:

EXACTLY.

And in addition to Ashley believing that her downward dogs and planks are saving the world, she would also like you to know that she is ESPECIALLY beautiful today.  Not just her normal beautiful, mind you, but ESPECIALLY beautiful.

Look.  I’m a fan of self-esteem.  I happen to be my own biggest fan, as a matter of fact.  But this is just over the top.  A little humility would do Ashley some good.

Naturally, the reasons she likes to fight on camera are all inexplicably feminine justicey and gender violencey and completely ridiculous, but nevertheless, she likes to fight on camera. “To fight on film” she says, “is a symbolic expression for me personally of women everywhere being able to fight back.”

THAT is how important and significant she is to herself, you guys. Her fight scenes in her TV series for which she is being paid millions is the symbolic expression of women everywhere fighting against gender inequities. Because, you know, it’s important that you to learn to speak the language of violence, as only Ashley Judd’s fight scenes can teach you.

What a self-important blowhard.

Remember when I told you that Ashley Judd was struggling to manage her grueling MBA program at Harvard because she was, at the time, only getting 9 hours of sleep per night, when she requires 10 in order to function?

Well, I thought you should know that 10 hours per night is no longer adequate. She now requires 10 and a HALF.

It takes DISCIPLINE to sleep that much, she says.

Actually, I’d argue that it simply takes being a spoiled rotten multi-millionaire who can set your own schedule in your movie contracts and have an entire staff of people who serve all of your needs and hang on your every word.  It doesn’t take discipline – it takes the MEANS to be able to sleep almost half of every day away.

I can see where she’d get that confused with “discipline” though.

So, if you follow Ashley Judd’s tweets (which I don’t do OFFICIALLY but do without Actually Following her), you’ve seen her exchange tweets with a dude who always gives her a play by play of every race that she doesn’t attend in person.

You might recall that I told you about how she criticized Will Power after a race a couple months back. Will Power is now referred to by her twitter race buddy as “Stinkweed,” which Ashley liked:

A few days later, she posted a quote, which she does from time to time when she’s trying to be profound.

So fast forward a few more days.  She sent this tweet to her racing buddy, and copied her husband.  (FYI – Will Power’s car number is 12.)

HILARIOUS!  Her friend implied that Will Power is a baby.  HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!  Side-splitting humor!  Her friend should obviously be making millions as a professional comedian!

And now fast forward to this past weekend, where Ashley has decided “Stinkweed” no longer suits Will Power.  She’s now upped the ante:

“Poopy Diaper Boy” she now calls Will Power.  Which of course begs the question, “If speaking ill of others is a dishonest way of praising” yourself, then what exactly is she saying about herself when she calls Will Power a Poopy Diaper Boy?   I’m obviously waaaay too dense to understand her kind of hypocritical elitism.

GAWD.

BEHOLD: A delightful exchange between a loyal Ashley tweet-follower, and Ashley herself, about whether or not Ashley would like to pursue a PhD:

“What is the question to the bottom of which I must get?” she asks.

Perhaps she can write her thesis on How To Speak Like Yoda – because it’s obviously something she knows well.

MOCKDOCK CHALLENGE:  Respond to this post only in yoda-speak, you will.

We’re five days away from Vegas, mockdockers, and that means that it’s almost time for Buckeye Bob to do the entertaining around here. He and I have just completed our “How To Post On The Mock Dock” teleconference, and so you might see a post or two from him over the next few days before he kicks it into high gear on Friday evening and becomes King Of The Mock Dock this weekend.

Be gentle with him, for he’s CONVINCED he’s going to screw something up, which I have insisted is impossible. He’s going to do great, but hopefully you will all still miss me a little bit and I won’t have hundreds of emails telling me to just stay in Vegas and let Bob take over full time.

Anyway, my point is that Vegas is only 5 days away, and we are getting SO TOTALLY PSYCHED. And knowing that I’ve got Buckeye Bob at the helm is making it a lot easier to leave my laptop behind and just ENJOY Sin City with the girls.

Meantime, here’s a horrible picture of Ashley Judd.

So, Ashley’s husband won yesterday’s Indycar race.  It was a total crashfest, and the driver competing with Dario for the championship, Will Power, was taken out of the race BY Dario, in a move that some people called just a “racing incident” but which others said Dario should have been penalized for.

Will Power was FURIOUS, and had some very critical things to say about Ashley’s man. In an interview on TV, Will Power said, “It doesn’t surprise me that he didn’t get a penalty, because he never gets penalized, it’s pretty typical. It was a pretty dirty move. He just turned me around. Does anyone ever penalize this guy? He’s as dirty as you like.  I left the inside open on the brakes. I’m really disappointed with Dario. I always race him clean, and he always races me dirty. He did the same at St Pete, though I didn’t say anything, and he did the same today.  Disappointed in Dario. The guy that mouths off about everyone and whines about everyone, and he’s the guy who races the most dirty, never gets a penalty from IndyCar. It’s just not right.”

And then, on Twitter, he said this:

‘

To which Dario replied:

And then Will said:

Yeah.  He’s mad.  But here’s where it gets positively hilarious, because Dario’s WIFE got into the mix of things, and said this:

I love that.  “It’s not my place to comment, so BEHOLD MY COMMENT!”  And she didn’t stop there.

She is Actually Suggesting that Will Power, in the heat of his anger, should have considered using the term “Prince” to describe Dario, instead of “Princess,” because using “Princess” is “gendered term” which is therefore insulting to women.

OMG.  If Dario isn’t completely MORTIFIED by this, then there is seriously something wrong with him.

I had to giggle at this response to her from some other dude:

And see – this is why, despite the fact that Dario is charming and super nice and all that, I CANNOT RESPECT HIM.  Because he’s MARRIED to a woman who finds nothing wrong with opening her husband up to even MORE ridicule.

ICK.

PS.  I love twitter.