The Mock Dock

I love when I get an opportunity to make someone feel good when they weren’t expecting it at all. That is SO FUN. It’s way more fun for me, in fact, than I think it is even for the person I’m making feel good. Case in point, you remember the story of KT the Breakfast Waiter. I mean, how fun was that, right?

Today, I got to make an unsuspecting person feel good again. And even better, I brought attention to how much of a heinous beast Ashley Judd is all at the same time. Talk about win/win!

So you know how Ashley’s been on her anti-coal-mining kick lately? And she’s been crying and carrying on at various events about it? Well, a school teacher in Kentucky named Janette Jude wrote an open letter to Ashley, which I posted at my other site (along with some a few observations of my own, natch). And people really responded to this letter, because it’s freaking AWESOME. And so I thought to myself, “Self – you need to figure out a way that Janette Jude can see this post, and all of the great comments on it, because that will make her feel good.” So I found Janette on Facebook, and sent her a message along with a link to the post. And Janette wrote back and was super happy about it, and even commented on the post herself to thank everyone for sticking up for her.

And now over 330 people have clicked the “like” button at the bottom of that post, which means it’s going up on those 330 facebook profiles, and hopefully tons more people see it than might have been otherwise possible. AND, the editor of Coal People Magazine commented that he wants to reprint her letter in their next edition, and give her a free subscription. TELL me that’s not the most awesome thing ever!!

I’m so happy for Janette Jude, even though I don’t know her, because her letter was amazing and perfect and because she’s getting lots of COTR and FB attention from it now. And I’m happy that I got to help do that.

YAY FOR JANETTE JUDE!!!

You knew it was coming, right? I mean, my birthday was two days ago, which in my world means that it is still happening, which means I will continue to talk about it as long as possible. And since Mr. Mock’s present has not yet arrived, I’ll get to talk about it when it DOES too.

I love birthdays.

ANYWAY, yesterday Bunny and I went shopping and then headed up to Hacienda in Kokomo for my now-annual birthday feast.  We were browsing through Kohl’s, and trying to avoid the smattering of Ashley Judd photos in the cosmetics section.  But I couldn’t help but be momentarily annoyed remembering how she was on the Ellen Degeneres show once, and claimed that her Kohl’s photo advertisements were void of any retouching/airbrushing whatsoever.  She Actually Claimed this.  Let’s review.

Here’s a Kohl’s photo ad:

And here’s Actual Reality:

I don’t think that’s just a difference in make-up, you guys.  But that’s just me.

Anyway, during our browsing, we came across the lingerie section, when the BIGGEST UNDERWEAR WE HAVE EVER SEEN EVER caught our eye.  Along with the biggest bra.  Here is what those items look like compared to Bunny:

The crotch is at her KNEES, you guys.  Now, you would think that seeing those might have encouraged us to have a bit less of an appetite at Hacienda, but you’d be wrong.  We ate ourselves silly.  And I got a birthday sombrero along with my hot chocolate chip cookie with three ice cream scoops and chocolate drizzle dessert:

Have I ever told you guys how much I love Hacienda?

Earlier in the day, I had to take Mini-Mock to get fitted for a tuxedo to wear for J’s wedding next weekend (as you may recall J is Junior-Mock’s caregiver).  Both of the boys are going to be in the wedding!  And while Mini-Mock wasn’t altogether pleased about getting measured (particularly in the shoes – holy crap I don’t know how you boys wear those horrid things), he looked positively EDIBLE:

The lady at the tux shop told me that the cost of rental for the two tuxes was going to be TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY DOLLARS.  Can you even believe that?  I love that both of my boys get to be in the wedding, but I’m officially hoping that they’re not going to be in any more of them in the future.  I even asked the woman what the difference would be to just BUY the tuxes, and it was over double that amount.  They charge $75 for the plain white dress shirt alone.  ROBBERY.

Anyway, it’s worth it just to see how completely PRECIOUS they’re going to look.  I will take lots of pictures.

The birthday continues today at my parents’ house, where I will have my favorite mom-prepared meal, and additional fuss. 

According to this, some dude who spent $100,000 to have dinner with Ashley Judd and Coach John Calipari (auctioned to benefit Haiti), is finally getting a peek at what the menu will be for said dinner.

I don’t know about you guys, but finally, I feel like I can go on living now that I don’t have to wonder what Ashley Judd’s private chef is going to serve for dinner. And you can too. Just look:

■ Hors d’oeuvres: Slow-roasted tomato tartlets with Purple Haze goat cheese and pine nuts, fried baby artichokes, Meyer lemon aioli cucumber shooters and cheddar wafers.
■ First course: Handmade pappardelle with butter de Reggiano Parmesan, shaved Umbrian white truffles, Parmigiano-Reggiano and chives.
■ Second course: A composed salad of heirloom tomatoes, roasted yellow beets, arugula, baby jewel tomatoes, Maytag blue cheese, candied spiced walnuts and frizzled leeks with basil vinaigrette.
■ Third course: Seared halibut fillet with ratatouille.
■ Fourth course: A prime rib-eye steak grilled over hickory, gratin cheddar potatoes, haricot vert, tomato fondue and smoky shallot rings.
■ A cheese and fruit course will follow.
■ Dessert: Tiramisu and coffee.

I don’t even know what some of those things ARE. But here’s a horrible picture of Ashley.

BEHOLD: Bristol Palin’s acting debut. It’s painfully awfully horribly bad, as if she took acting lessons from Ashley Judd or something.

Thoughts?

I have no idea how much it would cost to buy a print from Getty Images, but this could seriously be my new favorite photograph of Ashley Judd OF ALL TIME.

She’s all over the news today, you guys, because apparently she’s getting a bit of a paranoid streak AND she’s busy comparing mountaintop coal removal to spousal rape. You know.  All in a day’s work.

Look. I get being afraid of snakes. I’m afraid of snakes. But her reaction to this snake is like the most out of control over the top reaction ever. And how about instead of nearly stabbing the person next to you with your stilettos, you take off your shoes and just, you know, RUN.

Salma, you disappoint me. First you’re best friends with Ashley Judd, and now you’re a drama queen about snakes.

Not cool.

According to this, the pearl-wearing, wolf-saving, thunder-stealing, thesaurus-happy Ashley Judd will star opposite Patrick Dempsey in an “indie bank heist comedy” called Flypaper.  She is replacing Liv Tyler, so I’m assuming they’ve re-written the role to be appropriate for someone a full decade older, or they plan on using lots and lots and lots of make-up.

This comes as a bit of a surprise, since I’ve been CONVINCED that Ashley’s recent Master’s in Public Administration from Harvard was a big pre-cursor to a run for office.  Instead, she’ll start filming in Louisiana next week.  Although,  I suppose she could still find time to do that AND prepare for a 2012 run for something.

The movie is described as “the tale of a bank robbed by two groups of crooks at the same time. However, they both come under attack by a secret enemy (Dempsey), to save the bank teller whom he loves.”

Gripping.

You know how much I hate those big giant stupid pearls that Ashley Judd insists on wearing, right?  I think I’ve mentioned that several times before.   They’re back tonight, for the Indy 500 banquet, and you can see them in the below screen grab:

I think she’s scowling there because she’s not, in that moment, being fawned over by someone.  It was post-race photo op day earlier this morning, and naturally, it was All. About. Ashley.  Can you even tell, from this picture, who actually WON the race? Because she’s a thunder-stealer, that Ashley.

Dario is a swell guy, so I take nothing away from HIM for his win.  It’s his insufferable wife who makes me root against him.  That said, I LOATHE his hair.  You know who he looks like with that hair?

Talladega Nights, anyone?

Ashley Judd’s husband won the Indy 500 today.  And if that isn’t painful enough, I was THERE to see it.

I think it’s because I laughed at this.

Update:  This photo makes me feel better somehow:

This site will sell you crabs.

And I’m not talking about the kind of crabs you’d want to eat.  I’m talking the kind of crabs you’d find on your nether region after sleeping with a less-than-savory character.

They call themselves “Retail Crab Lice Specialists” and are willing to “Custom Breed Aggressive Species” and I am not making this up.

For as low (?) as $99, you can buy a “clutch” of 50 crab eggs, sprinkle them in someone’s bed, and voila!  Crab City.

The site got started out of pure revenge towards an ex, and I’ll be honest, their Q&A is kind of hilarious.  Here’s a sample:

What is the return policy?
If you’re honestly asking what our policy is as it pertains to mailing live pubic crabs back to us so you can get your money back, sadly the answer is that you can’t, and not because you’re not a good person, but because you’re delusional. Why would we want your crabs back? Odds are they’re dead, or worse, they’re still alive. If you need a refund or replacement shipment please contact our customer care department by email, but don’t mail us crabs. We’re not your ex and we don’t deserve that, no matter what condition they are in. Gross dude, seriously.

Anyway, the site was started by a few college dudes, and yes, it’s gross and mean and all that, but at the same time, it’s a brilliant display of entrepreneurialism, so I’ll give them that.  Plus, the site is funny.  Even though it’s evil.

PS:  I’m not writing about it to encourage anyone to buy crabs.

PPS:  Unless you happen to have access to Ashley Judd’s bed linens.