The Mock Dock

If you’re interested in hearing what Ashley Judd sounds like when she’s just woken up, look no further than this radio interview, which is kinda awesome because the interviewer isn’t particularly easy on her. Make sure to get your Ashley Bingo Card ready (scroll down to the next post if you haven’t printed it off yet.)

Click here to listen!

I guarantee you that her voice is deeper than her husband’s in the morning. I LOVE that the guy totally calls her out on saying she’s abstinent from the media but is basically making all the media rounds. LOVE.

You’re disappointed that there’s no horrible pictures of her in that clip, aren’t you? Well, this oughta tide you over till my next rant.

Now, I will say that I am a HUGE FAN of true-story movies which feature children and animals, so even though Ashley stars in the Dolphin Tale, coming out later this year, I will totally see it. You can watch the trailer right here.

I love you guys so much. SO MANY of you sent me links to pictures of Ashley Judd’s make-up mishap yesterday. Originally, I wasn’t going to post them because I thought perhaps you might be growing tired of hearing me rant about her, but I can’t resist now that y’all keep sending them my way, PLUS there is all sorts of new stuff to mock about her today anyway.

First of all – apparently she needs to find a new make-up artist, like, pronto. She went to two different events yesterday, and at both of them, the powder that was used around her eyes was GHOST WHITE, and hilariously obvious. BEHOLD:

That was during the day.  Then at night, she looked like this:

As you can see, the dreaded pearls are back.   Along with make-up that looks like she’s preparing to mime something.

But wait! There’s more.

She was featured in an AP interview video, wearing what appears to be an Actual Curtain.  BEHOLD:

And she was also on The View, looking like this:

The appearance on The View was every bit as nauseating as you might expect, with choice quotes like, “I looked really good on the outside” (which she also said on the Today Show) and “Ooo – my pretty earring!” when one fell out of her ear.  And of course there was talk about the god of her understanding again, which made me decide, thanks to an alert and astute mockdocker, that the only appropriate thing to do was create a Bingo Game based on Ashleyisms.  Please feel free to copy and distribute, and use any time you hear her in a future interview.

But wait!  There’s more.  Now that her book has been out for a total of one day, and she’s been whoring herself out non-stop to promote it, she’s discovered that she’s UNHAPPY with the way it’s being covered.  I’m not making this up.  The same person who claimed that she would be “abstinent to the press” because she couldn’t control how the media talked about it is now complaining about the press and media talking about it.   According to this, she is disappointed that the press is focusing on her sexual abuse so much and she feels sorry for her mother for now getting such a bad rap.

HELLO YOU MORON – this is your fault.  That’s sort of what happens when you write a book ripping your mother to shreds and talk about being sexually abused.  OMG.  The title of that sourcelink totally cracked me up – “Ashley Judd writes about being sexually abused; dislikes press writing about her being sexually abused.”  LOVE.

These posts just write themselves, you guys.  Ashley never ceases to offer up fresh material.

According to this, more tidbits and quotes and excerpts are coming out of Ashley Judd’s new book, and I found this passage particularly interesting (emphasis mine):

“I believe that the social construction of gender — the cultural beliefs and practices that divide the sexes and institutionalize and normalize the unequal treatment of girls and women, privilege the interests of boys and men, and, most nefariously, incessantly sexualize girls and women — is the root cause of poverty and suffering around the world.”

Hmmm.

Question.

What message, then, is Ashley trying to convey when she poses for photos like these?

First of all, you have to know how painful it was for me to post Actually Flattering photos of her here.  Your empathy is appreciated in advance.

But secondly, am I to assume that she is not trying to be overtly sexual in these photos?  That these are meant to showcase her innocence and chastity?  That she is trying to avoid, at all costs, being sexualized here?

Keep in mind, the second top photo was from the cover of a magazine which came out just DAYS after she was on the radio being openly grossed out that FHM magazine called her one of the sexiest women alive.  She was GROSSED OUT by mens’ magazines sexualizing women, you guys, and even asked, “Wouldn’t it be nice if those magazines didn’t exist?”

Yeah.  But by all means, show up nude on the cover of WOMEN’s mags, because men won’t see those.  /end sarcasm.

Way to contribute to poverty and suffering across the world there, Ashley.

GAWD.

She was on the Today Show this morning, and I watched the video, because apparently I’m a total masochist. And then I read the transcript and accompanying story to be sure that what I had just heard was for real.

AND IT IS.

I’ve already read in earlier columns that all of this sexual abuse that Ashley supposedly suffered was repressed, and it only came out when therapists at her treatment center brought them to light a few years ago, when she was in in-patient treatment for over 40 days. I find that HIGHLY SUSPECT. I just really don’t buy into all of those therapy-produced memories. It’s waaaaaay too easy for people to be manipulated, particularly when they’re looking for an excuse as to why they are TOTALLY BATCRAP CRAZY.

Anyway. In addition to UN-SUPPRESSING all of the memories of being molested by a family member, and raped by a Frenchman who hung out in bars with her when she was FIFTEEN in Japan and nearly forced to perform oral sex on some male model, she was forced to suffer what she calls “covert sexual abuse.” You know what that is? That’s when you hear your parents having sex.

I’m not making this up, you guys. Hearing your parents having sex, while unpleasant at worst, is NOT FREAKING ABUSE OMG.

There’s no question but that she HAD to become an actress, what with describing her childhood this dramatically: “I took to playing with mom’s gun, trying to decide if it would be worth it to shoot myself. There were many days after school … I would expertly check the chamber, load bullets, give it a spin and with a jerk of my wrist click the chamber into place, cock the trigger and then hold then gun to my right temple. To me, the way my family lived was already killing me.”

I’ll wait a second while you stop gagging.

In the interview with Meredith Vieira, she says the following GROSSLY SELF-ABSORBED PIECE OF TRIPE:

“I was taking a walk and this is where I get emotional because I love the god of my understanding. I was taking a walk in the park and having a talk with god going, this is absolutely amazing. To think that I, who very much played the lost child in this family system, would have the opportunity to travel all over the world and sit with and hold and love and encourage people who are pretty lost in our global family system is remarkable. While the conditions in which I was raised were very different, I identify.”

She identifies, you guys. With women who sell their bodies dozens of times a day simply so that they can earn a couple dollars to feed their children. She identifies with people who don’t know what it means to drink clean water. She identifies with people who live in mud huts and share the living space, if you can call it that, with dozens of family members and God knows what sorts of creatures. She identifies.

GAWD.

The news about all of the abuse and neglect and horrors of Ashley’s childhood continues, you guys. And she answered some questions about writing and her book and other stuff to USA Today, which included nauseating video with choice quotes like these:

About writing: “It integrates, it ameliorates, it unifies the narrative. The idea that things are unique and separate is actually a delusion. It’s how I organize and make meaning.”

About how she’d spend her perfect day: “Sleep late, really linger in my prayer and meditation, not have to stop it at a certain time, but let it just expand out into the day and not to have to choose between reading inspirational material and journaling, prayer and meditation…”

About releasing the book: “My job was to stay continually willing and to remember that it’s none of my business how it turns out or what the outcome may be. I’m just asked to be in the moment and share my truth. When I stay in that space, things are generally pretty easy.”

About her recovery from all of her mental illness: “I’m able to stand autonomously now with the god of my understanding.”

About taking on the new TV role: “I don’t know that I ever worked emotionally sober before recovery, so I’m really looking forward to having that really grueling, intensive acting experience while importing all of my new skills.”

The column author noted that Ashley is “vividly in tune with her emotions, saying she’d had a ‘purifying cry’ that morning.”

Ashley’s tweet last night? “Book debut. Took a meditative walk to talk with God, grounding. Found myself weeping with gratitude. Called both my parents, thanking them.”

I’m just wondering if it’s possible for Ashley Judd to form a sentence which doesn’t include some level of psychobabbling bullsh*t. I’m also wondering how her husband deals with the fact that she apparently is CONSTANTLY CRYING. You can watch the video after the jump, but here’s what’s most hilarious about it. When Ashley talks, she CANNOT HELP but twist her face into the most unnatural, most unusual, most unflattering contortions, and so I amused myself during the horrible Butler basketball game last night by capturing some freezeframes of my favorites. BEHOLD:

Gleeees!

Continue reading ‘Prepare To Be Nauseated.’

I asked you to send anti-KY vibes to Houston last night, and you obviously did, as they lost. It was a good fight, but in the end, Ashley Judd ended her night feeling like this:

Found that gem of a photo on the twitter page of some dude named Brad215, and it is AWESOME.

GO BUTLER BULLDOGS!!!!!

I told you in an earlier post, my arch nemesis Ashley is going to be in the news CONSTANTLY for the next few months, and today’s spread in the USA Today is no exception.

But I am TOTALLY GLEED OUT over the photo they chose to use. Behold:

She looks like she just swallowed a bug.  I LOVE THIS.

There’s nothing terribly surprising or newsworthy in the article itself, except for the tidbit from Naomi that she’s only read a couple of chapters of the book.   She said she wants to “honor her reality,”  and that  “Everybody’s going to have a different reality.” Translation:  Ashley’s accounts of all of her trauma and horrific upbringing are basically a big ole dramatic exaggeration.

….I have decided to share with you one of Ashley Judd’s weekend tweets. I debated about it, because I didn’t want to be the reason some of you closet Ashley-lovers ended up following her, but then I thought, “No – this is the kind of tweet that ought to be shared.”

Don’t misunderstand, I do NOT follow her. I simply LOOK at her twitter page from time to time, to see if there is anything which is particularly mockable. When I first saw this tweet, I thought, “GOD – that is SO TYPICAL ASHLEY.” And then I thought maybe it was just me who saw the annoying-ness of it, because I’m so hypersensitive to all the annoying stuff she does. But then, an alert and astute mockdocker ALSO forwarded the tweet to me, saying, “I think you’ll appreciate this Ashley Judd gem from twitter.” And I knew I wasn’t alone. And Daisy agreed that I should mock it as well.

So here you go, mockdockers:

“Imagine how fun it is to be me,” she said.  How much do you want to punch her in the face right now?  Look.  She’s even giving you a bindi target in this photo (although I like that it’s blurry because instead of looking like a bindi – which is annoying on its own – it looks like a giant zit.)

Catty? Yup.  It’s what I do.

My Jayhawks lost.

Ashley’s Cats won.

Devastated.

But this helps:

I know you’re all aware that Ashley Judd ranks pretty high on the list of people who annoy the crap out of me.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate her humanitarian efforts, because it’s awesome if she’s helping people.  Yay for her for helping.  But it’s pretty much everything ELSE about her that drives me crazy.  It’s her politics, her pretentiousness, her arrogance, her out-of-control ego, her hypocrisy, her incessant need to use gigantic words when it’s totally unnecessary, etc. etc. etc.

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but she’s going to be starring in a new ABC miniseries called Missing.  And you have GOT TO READ how she decided to do it.  She said, and I’m not making this up, “And what I have decided to boldly believe is that I can reconnect with the creative process on that sustained, full-time basis in ways that are congruent with how I construct meaning, that are in keeping with my values and principles.”

I think I speak for many many many normal people when I say, “WHIZZUH WHUZZAH?”

Mr. Mock has had to listen to my Ashley complaints for years now, and while he has always been sympathetic to my cause, it wasn’t until I read him that paragraph this evening that I think he really GOT what I’ve been so irritated about for so long.  He had me read it to him like 3 times, because he was that incredulous.  I mean, she’s just insufferable.

Anyway, we’re about to be subjected to non-stop Ashley over the next few months, because of that show, the Who Do You Think You Are show she’s going to be on, her memoirs being released, and the racing season starting again.  And you know what else?  It’s ENTIRELY POSSIBLE that her Kentucky Wildcats are going to play in the finals against my Kansas Jayhawks.

It’s all too much to bear.  But my photo arsenal is full, you guys.  BEHOLD: