The Mock Dock

I told you in an earlier post, my arch nemesis Ashley is going to be in the news CONSTANTLY for the next few months, and today’s spread in the USA Today is no exception.

But I am TOTALLY GLEED OUT over the photo they chose to use. Behold:

She looks like she just swallowed a bug.  I LOVE THIS.

There’s nothing terribly surprising or newsworthy in the article itself, except for the tidbit from Naomi that she’s only read a couple of chapters of the book.   She said she wants to “honor her reality,”  and that  “Everybody’s going to have a different reality.” Translation:  Ashley’s accounts of all of her trauma and horrific upbringing are basically a big ole dramatic exaggeration.

….I have decided to share with you one of Ashley Judd’s weekend tweets. I debated about it, because I didn’t want to be the reason some of you closet Ashley-lovers ended up following her, but then I thought, “No – this is the kind of tweet that ought to be shared.”

Don’t misunderstand, I do NOT follow her. I simply LOOK at her twitter page from time to time, to see if there is anything which is particularly mockable. When I first saw this tweet, I thought, “GOD – that is SO TYPICAL ASHLEY.” And then I thought maybe it was just me who saw the annoying-ness of it, because I’m so hypersensitive to all the annoying stuff she does. But then, an alert and astute mockdocker ALSO forwarded the tweet to me, saying, “I think you’ll appreciate this Ashley Judd gem from twitter.” And I knew I wasn’t alone. And Daisy agreed that I should mock it as well.

So here you go, mockdockers:

“Imagine how fun it is to be me,” she said.  How much do you want to punch her in the face right now?  Look.  She’s even giving you a bindi target in this photo (although I like that it’s blurry because instead of looking like a bindi – which is annoying on its own – it looks like a giant zit.)

Catty? Yup.  It’s what I do.

My Jayhawks lost.

Ashley’s Cats won.

Devastated.

But this helps:

I know you’re all aware that Ashley Judd ranks pretty high on the list of people who annoy the crap out of me.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate her humanitarian efforts, because it’s awesome if she’s helping people.  Yay for her for helping.  But it’s pretty much everything ELSE about her that drives me crazy.  It’s her politics, her pretentiousness, her arrogance, her out-of-control ego, her hypocrisy, her incessant need to use gigantic words when it’s totally unnecessary, etc. etc. etc.

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but she’s going to be starring in a new ABC miniseries called Missing.  And you have GOT TO READ how she decided to do it.  She said, and I’m not making this up, “And what I have decided to boldly believe is that I can reconnect with the creative process on that sustained, full-time basis in ways that are congruent with how I construct meaning, that are in keeping with my values and principles.”

I think I speak for many many many normal people when I say, “WHIZZUH WHUZZAH?”

Mr. Mock has had to listen to my Ashley complaints for years now, and while he has always been sympathetic to my cause, it wasn’t until I read him that paragraph this evening that I think he really GOT what I’ve been so irritated about for so long.  He had me read it to him like 3 times, because he was that incredulous.  I mean, she’s just insufferable.

Anyway, we’re about to be subjected to non-stop Ashley over the next few months, because of that show, the Who Do You Think You Are show she’s going to be on, her memoirs being released, and the racing season starting again.  And you know what else?  It’s ENTIRELY POSSIBLE that her Kentucky Wildcats are going to play in the finals against my Kansas Jayhawks.

It’s all too much to bear.  But my photo arsenal is full, you guys.  BEHOLD:

According to this,  Jason Patric, who worked with Ashley Judd on Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, didn’t have the nicest stuff to say about her in a recent interview.

Specifically, he said “She’s lazy, selfish and arrogant.”

Ouch.

I wouldn’t have guessed the lazy part, but selfish and arrogant? Why, yes.  I do believe we’ve covered those traits here before.

According to this, Ashley Judd is going to star in a new TV series on ABC, and the plot basically sounds like a combination of all of the movies she’s ever done ever.

It’s about “a devoted single mom who, after her 18-year-old son disappears in Italy where he’d been working on architecture fellowship, takes it upon herself to travel to Europe and track him down. It soon becomes clear that (she) is a former CIA agent who will stop at nothing to bring her son home alive.”

Riveting.

And to add insult to injury, her memoir comes out in April. It’s like an all-out Ashley Assault on us, you guys.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this breakdown of the feminism argument so much. LOVE.

Remember last night how I was all excited about the SMORGASBORD of horrible Ashley photos from this past weekend?

Well, LOOK AT THIS.  An entire article has been devoted to Ashley’s pitstains.

It’s like CHRISTMAS, you guys.

And because it’s a British press article, they say things like, “As she left Ashley could be seen covering her armpit with her hat. At another point she was spotted apparently attempting to cool off by holding her hands aloft.” Can’t you just totally imagine someone saying that in a British accent?

And remember, Ashley doesn’t like to take attention away from her husband at the track.  Which is why she wears BRIGHT FUSCHIA DRESSES and hats the size of Guam.

GAWD.

I just realized this post will totally appeal to armpit lickers.

HI PERVS!!!!

Don’t you think the photographer who captured these pictures of Ashley after her husband won the Indy Car championship this past weekend HAD to have been thinking, “Mock is going to LOVE these?”  DON’T YOU?  Because I SO DO.  I couldn’t even choose between them – there were so many to love.

For all of you crazy armpit lickers out there:

And for the rest of the pervs:

Hi pervs!!!

I love when I get an opportunity to make someone feel good when they weren’t expecting it at all. That is SO FUN. It’s way more fun for me, in fact, than I think it is even for the person I’m making feel good. Case in point, you remember the story of KT the Breakfast Waiter. I mean, how fun was that, right?

Today, I got to make an unsuspecting person feel good again. And even better, I brought attention to how much of a heinous beast Ashley Judd is all at the same time. Talk about win/win!

So you know how Ashley’s been on her anti-coal-mining kick lately? And she’s been crying and carrying on at various events about it? Well, a school teacher in Kentucky named Janette Jude wrote an open letter to Ashley, which I posted at my other site (along with some a few observations of my own, natch). And people really responded to this letter, because it’s freaking AWESOME. And so I thought to myself, “Self – you need to figure out a way that Janette Jude can see this post, and all of the great comments on it, because that will make her feel good.” So I found Janette on Facebook, and sent her a message along with a link to the post. And Janette wrote back and was super happy about it, and even commented on the post herself to thank everyone for sticking up for her.

And now over 330 people have clicked the “like” button at the bottom of that post, which means it’s going up on those 330 facebook profiles, and hopefully tons more people see it than might have been otherwise possible. AND, the editor of Coal People Magazine commented that he wants to reprint her letter in their next edition, and give her a free subscription. TELL me that’s not the most awesome thing ever!!

I’m so happy for Janette Jude, even though I don’t know her, because her letter was amazing and perfect and because she’s getting lots of COTR and FB attention from it now. And I’m happy that I got to help do that.

YAY FOR JANETTE JUDE!!!