The Mock Dock

I have never ever seen a more ill-fitting bikini in my entire life.  This is just gross.  Can she not FEEL how poorly this fits?

Can you imagine the frontular view?  GAK!

Where in the holy hell do you buy the kind of self-confidence that this chick has?  Because I’m headed to a warm and sunny beach soon, and I am wearing a tankini in public, NOT a bikini,  and not only am I probably 1/3 of her size, I also only have one buttockular area.  And it’s on the back of me.  And yet here’s this chick, with a whole extra butt, IN THE FRONT NO LESS, just flaunting her stuff around like it’s no big deal.

They should bottle her self-confidence and sell it.  I would totally buy it.

This is apparently what passes for a bikini when you’re the girlfriend of Kanye West.   And you know what?  That piece of string probably cost like $800.

You guys – I’m back from the fair, and I regret to inform you that I got ONE, count ‘em, ONE photo of a landbeast.  Is that why you all haven’t sent in your submissions?  Because pickins are so slim this year?

Seriously.

Seriously?

Does this woman not know ANYONE who could try and stop her from wearing this bathing suit in public?  If she has a single friend in the world, that friend should be swiftly and severely punished.  That’s just MEAN to let your friend be seen like that.  If I was friends with this woman, I’d very nicely and politely hand her a sarong and say, “You miiiiiiiight want to put this on and never ever ever ever take it off ever.” 

Thanks to Bunny for the pic!

Landbeasts and watermelon.  They go together like peas and chocolate, don’t they?

I don’t get it.  I gave up wearing bikinis like 5 years ago, and not just because I clearly lack the self-esteem that these women have in abundance, but because I didn’t want to subject innocent bystanders to the sight of me in a bikini.  I just didn’t think it was fair to people.  And I’m not even a landbeast.

The two women on the outside?  They’re curvy.  They have some heft.   But I don’t find them visually offensive.  But center lady?  WHAT IS THAT BATHING SUIT?  Leopard and mesh?  Is she serious? 

That’s bordering on criminal behavior.  It’s ocular poison.

Donatella Versace.  And I would just like to suggest that women over, say, 55, should just remove their fake boobs.  It looks totally freaky to have perky young boobs and have every other part of your body be all sag-city.

Because it’s Christmas eve, I’m going to spare you the visual on the front page and put it after the jump. That way you can’t blame me for seeing it later.  It’ll be ALL YOUR FAULT.

Continue reading ‘You Know Who Should Never Wear A Bikini Ever?’