The Mock Dock

Remember when I told y’all about that crazy psycho woman who was giving her eight year old daughter botox injections so that she’d get famous and stuff?  Yeah.  Apparently, when you go on national tv to brag about that sort of thing, then you run the risk of being investigated by Child Protective Services.

That’s what’s happening, thankfully, to that crazy psycho woman.

Here’s her appearance on GMA. SICK AND WRONG.

…an 18 year old feels like she needs Botox.

According to this, that adorable teenage singer Charice Pempengco from the Philippines is going to guest star on Glee, and has undergone an “anti-aging procedure” along with Botox injections so that she will “look fresh on camera.”

This chick got that stuff called Thermage, which is SUPPOSED to be for older, wrinklier women. Charice said, about her “preparations” – “All people will be anticipating how will Charice look? Is she good enough to pit against Rachel Berry? So of course there is tremendous pressure.”

HOW SAD IS THAT, you guys? I mean, really – it’s just SAD.

I swear, a couple decades from now it will be unacceptable to look 15. Models will have to look, say, 8 or 9 TOPS in order to have any success whatsoever.

HATE.

The nurse just came into the waiting room, and said, “Surgery began at 9:26am.” I’d just like to point out that that was precisely four minutes AHEAD of schedule. This morning’s experience (so far) at the hospital has been the least annoying hospital experience in recent memory. I got a message last night from someone who wanted to “pre-register” Junior Mock for surgery. I didn’t return the call, because it was after hours, and honestly anytime he’s been pre-registered, I end up answering all the same questions approximately 28 more times at Actual Registration anyway. So I was worried, coming in this morning, that registration was going to be a nightmare because he wasn’t pre-registered.

I don’t understand the concept of pre-registering, anyway. What’s wrong with just plain old registering?

Surgery is expected to take about an hour. They’re going to make slices behind each knee and on either side of his groin, and then they’re going to snip those tendons/muscles and elongate him, and then they’re going to put him in knee immobilizers for recovery. They’re also going to inject a whole bunch of botox in his biceps and his shoulder muscles.

I am hoping hoping hoping they won’t want to keep him overnight; they say it all depends on how he’s managing the pain. So I should know more in a few hours!

Say some prayers for my big monkey-boy this morning if you have a chance.

I don’t think I’ve told you guys that Junior Mock is having surgery again! This time, it’s not cutting any bone, which automatically means that it’s not quite as horrific, but it’s surgery and cutting nonetheless, which means it’ll suck.

On the 7th, he’ll be having his hamstrings cut (right behind his knees) and his hip adductors snipped as well. He’s unable to straighten his legs because of how impossibly tight those muscles are. This will be a permanent fix, so he’ll no longer have botox injections in his legs. During the surgery, they WILL put botox in his armpits and inner elbows, because those appear to be the new spots that his spasticity is really out of control. It’s become hard to get shirts on and off of him because of it, so hopefully this will provide some relief. For all of us. Despite how serious all that sounds, he will only have to stay in the hospital overnight!

Here’s a pic of him taken on Christmas eve. Isn’t he like, the most handsome almost 13-year old you’ve ever seen?

And now, for the TMI part. On the 18th, I’m getting my uterus taken out!!! Recovery is going to suck – because even though it’s laparascopic there are three incisions involved. Listen how cool this is – they put a camera into the incision near my belly button, and then they slice a line on either side my pelvis near where my uterus is. And in one slice goes a vacuum thingy, and in the other slice goes like a microscopic machete – which goes in and cuts my uterus away from the ovaries and cervix, and then chops it up in a million pieces so that the vacuum thingy can suck it out. HOW COOL IS THAT???

Apparently, I have fibroids, and so my doc said I should just have the whole thing taken out. Which I am TOTALLY cool with, since it means I will never have periods ever ever ever again. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

There is a guy I work with who is completely freaked out by any HINT of talk of female reproductive organs. I mean, he just wigs out. So you can imagine my glee at informing him about my upcoming surgery. Every time I see him, I try to think of ways I can talk about it. If he says something about the weather, for example, I say, “Yeah – it’s crappy out. Hopefully it won’t be crappy when I HAVE MY UTERUS REMOVED.” And he just shudders and runs away. I love this.

Anyway, it’s going to be a very surgical January. I shall keep you apprised of how it all turns out, since I know it’ll be ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT.

Despite obvious surgical attempts to look otherwise, Madonna is looking 50ish. There’s pretty much no getting around it anymore.  She’s got that tell-tale look of puffiness that you get when you go batcrap crazy over collagen and botox and other fillers.   Plus, the horrid Cruella de Ville coat isn’t helping matters any.

I don’t know if I’ve ever told you about my eye problem (how’s that for a fluid transition to a new topic?)  But you’ll see how it connects in a second.  I have these super super duper low eyebrows.  They are so low, that my eyelashes nearly touch them.  And the outside corners sort of turn down, like eyebrows do, but mine do it even more than normal, and what’s sloooooowly starting to happen is that I’m losing peripheral vision.  It’s kind of inevitable that I’ll need to get that fixed at some point – maybe 5-10 years from now.  And apparently the only way to do that is with an eyebrow lift, which gives me the heebies.  But it’s either heebies and full range of sight, or no heebies and side blindness.  So you see my dilemma.

Anyway, I tell you all that because I want you to be prepared for the day that I tell you I need an eyebrow lift, so that you don’t go all judgmental on me and assume I’m only doing it because I want to look like Madonna or something.  I’m going to do it so I can, you know, continue to SEE and stuff.

BUT, if I EVER EVER EVER suggest to you that I want any kind of filler or crap in my face that’s purely cosmetic, I want you to stop me.  Aging kind of sucks, and wrinkles suck, but I don’t want to turn into one of those women who LOOKS like they’ve had botox or filler or other crap injected into their face.  That is the WORST.

Daisy and I were discussing Botox earlier today, what with us aging and all.  When you get to your late 30s and early 40s, you notice stuff like wrinkles and lines and other stuff on your face that has no business being there, because that stuff belongs on old people.  And we don’t FEEL old.

Anyway, I get the appeal of Botox and fillers and all the other stuff that people do to themselves to get youngified.

But you know what I’ve decided about Botox and Botox related products?  All they really do is make you look like you’ve had Botox.  I mean, does Madonna’s skin look smooth and wrinkle-free?  Yes.  Does she look younger?  No – she looks like she’s about 50 with a really good Botox job.

I think I’ll just age gracefully.

Actually, scratch that.  I think I’ll just age NATURALLY, but with absolutely no grace.

Ok granted – I think she’s at a photo shoot or something, but STILL.  I’d like to believe that this IS actually what she wears to the park, when she’s planning on frolicking around, swinging on swings and sliding down slides and climbing on monkey bars.  Because you know what?  She could do all of those things in those heels, completely effortlessly.

I survived in my heels (probably a good 2 inches lower than the ones Vic is wearing above) without breaking anything.  But did I walk in to Mini-Mock’s pre-school after work barefoot because I could no longer feel my Achilles tendons?  Yes.  Yes, I did.  And his teachers totally commiserated.  They were like, “Ooo – high heels?”  And I said, “YES. OMG. I couldn’t wait to get them off.” And they were all, “Yeah – beauty is pain, Mock.  Beauty is pain.”

Ka-Duh and I decided today that Victoria Beckham probably has either Achilles Tendon implants of some sort or she’s had botox injections into them so that she can no longer feel them.  That is the only explanation.

Look at Victoria’s biceps, you guys.  And look at her complete lack of stomach.  And look at the fabulously fierce expression on her face.

LOVE.

I know this will come as a shock to many of you, but that frightening monster on the right side of the picture is a woman who has had a lot of plastic surgery.

I know.  I was surprised too.

According to this, Margaret King is just 49 years old, but has spent around 70k on cosmetic surgery.  And whatever, right?  I mean, if she wants to spend a ridiculous amount of money on plastic surgery to turn herself into something barely resembling a human, that’s her prerogative.  But here’s the thing.  The girl on the left?  That’s her daughter.  Who just turned 18.  And her mother’s birthday gift to her?  BOTOX for all the horrific wrinkles plaguing her forehead.

I kid you not. Margaret didn’t like the way that her daughter Jodie “gets pronounced lines when she makes facial expressions.”

So now, Jodie has become a bit of an addict herself, and has already spent $1500 on Botox injections.  Margaret thinks this is swell, and wants to buy Jodie a nose job for her 21st birthday.  She’s already gotten her a consultation for a boob job too.  

Jodie says, “My mum’s always looked so glamorous and she uses cosmetic surgery and botox to keep her looking young.  I plan to follow in her footsteps. So what if I’m a teenage botox addict?  I can’t think of anything worse than looking old.  I’ll always find a way to pay for botox.  Now that I’ve started I can’t stop. ”

How completely fracked up is that, you guys? ”Glamorous” is probably on the list of the very last words in the entire English language that I would use to describe Margaret’s appearance.  “Grotesque” and “mutant-like” would rank in the top ten.

Tom and Meg. Always together in the 90′s. So fresh and fun.

Now…not so fresh… Continue reading ‘You’ve Got Botox’